I had to get a neck brace last year....
I haven’t looked back since.
What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I’m writing a musical about puns.
It’s a play on words.
I’m finally writing a dad joke about spices.
It’s about thyme.
I used to work at the gym, it wasn't working out
…so I gave my too weak notice.
What's a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?
Tearinmyshoe.
You know why melons have such extravagant weddings?
Because they cantaloupe
It would be a Hanukkah miracle...
… if we could all agree on the spelling of Chanukah.
Why couldn’t the melons get married?
Because they’re cantaloupes.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickle-less!
Was driving on Sedan Dr today...
And didn’t see a single house with four doors
Why doesn’t St. Nick give presents to naughty children?
It’d Krampus style.
Why did Santa's helper see a therapist?
They had low Elf-esteem.
Did you hear about the guy who was fired from the keyboard factory?
He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
You might be bored
But at least you’re not one of the people getting on a ship.
What are the best Christmas sweaters made of?
Fleece-navidad!
Watson: Sherlock, where do lemons come from?
Sherlock: A lemon tree, Watson
In the past you watched the television,
In the present the television watches you!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olf!
The horse government never gets anything done.
The politicians always vote “neigh.”
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it.
My massage business keeps losing customers.
I guess I rub people the wrong way.
I'm having trouble organizing a hide-and-seek league.
Good players are hard to find.
Someone stole all my lamps. You'd think I would be upset, but actually...
I’m de-lighted.