Does anyone *not* love using their bidet?

I have occasional bathroom issues caused by food sensitivities (damn your delicious yet toxic nature, nacho cheese).

These bathroom issues involves pooping a bunch of times in one day. The frequent pooping and wiping severely irritate my poor butthole, aggravating hemorrhoids and anal fissures.

I know lots of people around here swear by the miracle of bidets, but before I start shopping around, I’m wondering if there are any naysayers out there who just don’t like bidets, along with why that’s the case.

Bonus question: how do I use a bidet? Most of the instructions I’ve found are a bit delicate about the details. Anyone want to give me a detailed description of how and what to do?

My swollen, bloody anus thanks you.


We have a bidet attachment and my partner loves it, but i don't like it at all.

cedarmesa, (edited ) avatar



I can’t believe I’m saying all this on the internet but here it goes.

I have TONS of food sensitivities, and IBS-C (mostly). Needless to say, I see the toilet a fair amount. I can’t believe I’m posting this. lol.

Pre bidet, things got tender, fissures, hemorrhoids, bleeding, etc were all pretty common. Post bidet, like never, or at least very rarely. I have to something incredibly stupid for any major issues now.

I got one of the expensive ones that has heated seat, deodorizer, heated water with multiple temp settings, multiple spray options, dryer (takes too long), etc. it wasn’t cheap. Every time I have to use the toilet in the wild, it’s terrible.

We went on vacation a while ago, and that whole week was rough. Never felt clean, and my rear was definitely sorer than when at home.

Basically, totally worth every penny. I can never go back.

To answer the bonus question, it will partly depend on the budget you get. If you get a manual one, it has a lever to move the water flow around. If it doesn’t, you just wiggle around a bit, to get the water where you want it. If you get one of the expensive ones, with a moving water nozzle, it does the bulk of the work for you, but you may still have to wiggle a little to get everywhere.

Once the water has washed everything away, you can either wait to drip dry, or if your bidet has a dryer you can use that, but typically I just take like 4-5 squares of TP to dry off. I use WAY less TP than ever.

Depending on the bidet you get, be ready for needing to get some conversion hardware to install it. The kohler one I got, didn’t have the correct fittings for standard American plumbing (doesn’t make a lot of sense but Home Depot guy already knew exactly what was going on and said it was super common).

I can answer any other specific questions you have too. Just ask.


The answer is no, bidets are the best way to clean up. Humanity has been using bidets dramatically longer than toilet paper has existed


Naw I love high pressure ice water blasted deep into my anus

theodewere avatar

are there private clubs for that or something?


This, but not ironically. Okay, might be too strong a word but it’s very effective for thorough cleaning and you get used to it pretty quickly.


I wasn’t being ironic. I truly love it.


Haha, well then! Though we may be kindred souls, I don’t think I’ll be looking to hang out and bond over our shared appreciation of… this kind of thing.

miz_nocturnal, avatar

Since my question on bidet use for women was answered here, what about for obese people? Would using a bidet make things easier or more difficult? I see a lot here about shifting your weight and all that but I wonder if this is feasible for someone who is 100lbs + overweight.


I don’t mind bidets, though I’ve never installed one, since I can’t imagine they’d be fun to clean.

Here’s the thing, though…I have a system I consider superior to a bidet in pretty much every way. See, I noticed a long time ago that I poop somewhere between 0.9 and 1.1 times per day on average, and I aim to shower at least once per day. I don’t know about you, but I noticed a certain opportunity for synergy there. I call it the PoopShower system (patent pending), and after many years of using it, I don’t feel adequately clean even after using a bidet. So my personal ranking is: PoopShower, (looooong gap), bidet, TP, newspaper, leaves.


I feel like this is more common than people are willing to admit. Thank you for being brave enough to admit what many of us never have before. This is 100% the best method, especially if you have the “hose/faucet” setting on your shower head.


You waffle stomp?!


Not op, but I believe their system involves pooping in the toilet followed by normal wiping and then a full shower. Most of the bulk should end up in the toilet, rendering any stomping unnecessary.




Still the funniest word picture the internet has created.


I like to shower after I poop, but the timing doesn’t always line up appropriately, especially if you happen to be a bit ill like OP.

And even when the stars align, I still want to use toilet paper first to get the worst of it off.


Definitely TP before shower.

And I dunno. occasionally the timing doesn’t line up, but the vast majority of the time…I can just wait.


I have 2 in my home, one is the fancy one (not that fancy but 200 bucks from Costco on sale) the other is basic. Fancy one I feel like anyone would love, seat is warmed a little on cold mornings, has a heated tank for a perfectly gentle temperature, can adjust pressure and position (forward or back), can have a gentle pulse for extra cleaning assistance, and a dryer. The basic one is unheated and has a pressure knob that can go from gentle all the way up to blast you off the toilet, and you have to adjust yourself to the right spot. If you’re willing to spend more for the nice options and have an outlet close enough to your toilet you’ll likely be very happy. The basic one I’m very happy to use if the other is inaccessible and took some getting used to but still miles better than nothing. I never feel clean without a bidet anymore.


HOW does the fancy one adjust? Is it motorized so you can do it while sitting down, or you have to reach in there and adjust it then sit back down, then adjust, then sit back down and then adjust hoping that you finally got it right.

We got no outlets that are that close to the tank which kills any interest in me trying one out since having just cold water is pretty much a deal breaker in my opinion. I know I could wire one in there, but this is obviously more work.


It has a remote control, so you just tap the button for forward or back and it adjusts.


I just don’t like the way it feels, but that might be due to personal sensory issues. My family uses bidets and there was a time when the seat heater malfunctioned and would heat up on its own, which was inconvenient and unpleasant in the summer but nothing serious.


how do I use a bidet?

  1. After pooping, you continue to sit on the toilet.
  2. You turn the knob on the bidet handle.
  3. The stream sprays the shit flecks off your asshole, they go down into toilet.
  4. Then you use a tiny portion of the TP you are accustomed to use to dry the whole situation.

Alternatively, if your bidet has the strength and you’re manly enough not to be confused by getting ass fucked every day, loosen up a bit and let the mighty Poseidon fuck your ass, then push the water [and the extra poop] out once you feel the water mounting up. Repeat a few times, then tighten back up for the wiping shot.

Warning: this can make your anal muscles lazy, and it’s admittedly taboo to get ass fucked by your bidet, but I’ll swear by it until the day someone tells me it causes cancer, and then I’ll keep swearing by it until I get cancer.


I mean…I started out getting buttfucked by my bidet and now I’m leaning hard into being bisexual.

DharmaCurious, avatar

This is interesting. I started out getting butt fucked by men, and now I’m very bidet-curious (because it might make it easier and more convenient to get butt fucked by men).


As someone who doesn’t get butt fucked by men, I think it WOULD be convenient; it’s a great and quick douching solution. I do think bidet water pressure and even positioning/toilet shape play a big role here, though, so do keep that in mind. I’ve installed a bunch of them in other bathrooms for friends and family and haven’t gotten as ass fucked by those as by the one in my own bathroom.

DharmaCurious, avatar

… sometimes I forget that comments on lemmy aren’t like reddit. I’m not just saying things into a void here, and people might actually see it. Lol. Now I’m embarrassed, but also very appreciative of the information!


Forget the gay agenda, beware the bisexual bidet


So…you ass gargle? I am greatly amused, mildly curious and slightly horrified all at once.


The horror fades away and the glory of a clean and sophisticated ass overcomes all.


All except weak rectal muscles apparently lol


this can make your anal muscles lazy

Do you have a source on this one?


I only use my bidet if I had a very soft movement. I find if I use it after a harder one, it causes irritation (I use a wet wipe instead).


Get a washlet brand bidet if you can. Have had mine several years now and it still works great. I miss it when I’m not at home

jerkface, avatar

Eat some fricking fiber.

sleepisajokeanyway avatar

The only downside I can think of are firstly that the water pressure for an attachment one can be painful if you turn it up to fast at first if you haven't gotten used to the knob. I did buy a cheap one without hot water at first but ended up buying another one with hot water as well. I'd be fine with the only cold water one, it's still 1000x better than toilet paper, but the hot water is nice in the winter. It's also annoying to clean around somewhat.

I guess I don't really fit the description in your title though, those are the downsides I can think of with mine though, also mine were the bidet attachments, not a full bidet.


Check out the Toto Washlet - they have heated seats but are $$$ though


There should be a bidet that sprays you with ~60ppm hypochlorous acid.

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