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required, 4 months ago

omfg

required, 4 months ago

I’m really trying to not make this a way to mess up with my mental state, but instead a search on how to achieve the best of myself. I just want to know how these people are waking up in the morning and do the stuff they do.

required, 4 months ago

I know this might be dangerous to think about but I don’t feel good about what I have done myself without any guidance in the past. Like, not at all. I want to take advantage of many opportunities around me and be the best of myself. I’ve been taking some steps especially since last year but I think I’m still missing the main idea.
I could say I haven’t really defined a “purpose” in my life, but I can see these kind of people are definitely somewhere close to what I might want to head towards.

required, 4 months ago

I really feel like the older I get, the less control I have around me. The older people around me seem like they don’t want to move an inch from their comfort zone.

I’m actually applying to colleges as an international student (a really out-of-box thing to do, I’m proud of that sure) which is how I kind of found these people exist (you know, “extracurriculars” stuff) and this kind of stuff are doable. I’m thinking of who I was 365 days ago and I improved myself so much. But I also missed so many opportunities in these 365 days.

There is a lot in front of me and I’m anxious I’ll waste my opportunities again, like I did. Perhaps I’m still not really doing as much as I should be and closer to what I’ve been in the past but I just can’t see it yet, only future me could know.

required, 4 months ago (edited 4 months ago)

I just want to. And I believe I can, can’t I? I don’t think I lack anything they have. This is more of “I’m sad because of these people doing better than me” but “Oh, I can’t believe I missed this. How can I do it myself as well?” approach.

required, 4 months ago

if you don’t do them all before you’re 30 then you’re old and wasted your life and that could not be further from the truth.

I think they’re actually right. I just look around, older people don’t want to move an inch from their comfort zone. It’s almost always what they do in their youth that defined who they are. If they are still doing good things in their life still, they were usually not sleeping around in their youth either. I think there is something about getting old that makes you less flexible in general, psychologically.

I’m definitely not where I want to be. I look at my last year, last 2 years, last 4 years, last 6 years etc. and it’s as if I never done anything right with exceptions (something something broken clock). And when I try to do something today, many times I struggle because I didn’t start early, or I just straight up can’t. I can give so many examples to this today. Me sleeping around only hurts me in the future.

required, 4 months ago

Let’s not even think about these as “accomplishments”. I really don’t think they’re as unpleased about what they’re doing as much as I do, hence the title. Of course everyone have their regrets, that’s not my point really. I need to do better because I feel the lack of it, isn’t this valid enough?

required, 4 months ago

Yes, I wish I could surround myself around such people more and more, it just helps you see things so much clearer. I’m still “looked up on” by most people around me and it actually pisses me up. Why are you telling me I’m doing very good, I’m the best etc.? It doesn’t help me grow at all!

required, 4 months ago

Maybe the title is kind of making you say what you’re saying, but I really don’t like how I’ve been using my time in the past. And I’m not using that to feel bad about myself. I just don’t think I’m seeing through my mistakes enough. I can still change, like a lot.

required, 4 months ago

What you’re saying really doesn’t satisfy whatever it is inside me. In fact, I could sacrifice these at least partially to achieve whatever it is that will satisfy me

I know some of those people so at least they’re not lying. I told myself this all the time: “Oh they’re lying for no reason on internet” “It’s just being too privileged that makes you do these” etc. but there are really many people that are just genuinely good at using their time and opportunities efficiently. Lately I managed to at least partially do some the stuff I envied of other people, and it just makes me say “I want ALL of it”. I want to know what they’re doing when they wake up. I want to know how they think. Just whatever it is.

required, 4 months ago

I’m pretty harsh on my past, I just don’t see why I shouldn’t. I can find all the things I shouldn’t be doing there, all the mistakes I did and some still do. I’d try to be as far away as possible and never come back.
I actually do feel pressurized. Time flows so fast. My birthdays come and go in a blink, as if, they don’t even feel that special anymore. And when I go to sleep, I miss a gold. It’s so fast I can’t make the right steps all the time and accidentally step on sht so often. And there is no map either, except the wrongly written guides that just make you step more on sht for some reason.

required, 4 months ago

This is really something I’d like to try myself. You’re right that I’m just overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I can do and I don’t know where to start. I also need to change some of my habits as well, but maybe I can try to attempt at least, which to me is the hardest part

required, 4 months ago

Now that I’m much older it grieves deeply me all the things I took for granted. All the missed opportunities. All because of some mix of laziness, lack of a long term perspective, lack of focus, lack of self discipline, and cowardice. Looking back, I realize many of my peers were more mature and focused.

I really feel this comment, especially the quote. I made so many mistakes that I regret now. And I’m just 17. I’m not sure how I came to this point. I want to avoid having my future self feeling similar to how I’m feeling.

required, 4 months ago

It’s really the reverse. I really only focused on stuff that mattered the least to me while others focused on exactly what I strived for.
I was unguided. Or ignorant. I feel like the line between these two are pretty blurry anyway. Perhaps a combination of these.

required, 4 months ago

My world view might have become too materialistic. But I just want more prestige, satisfaction, validation. More and more of it. Yes I probably won’t ever feel “this is enough” because it requires a constant gradient of growth.
I’m not sure I even want to be happy. What even is meant by happiness? No, I know what happiness is. It just doesn’t feel meaningful anymore, all these emotions. Like, nothing that makes me happy actually matter to me. I never feel happy for doing what I actually need. I don’t feel happy while preparing food but I feel happy but only when I sit down and eat the food, even though eating food wasn’t the harder part that I must be focused on. Happiness feels like mind’s bait that is so addicting everyone is hooked on and want more of it. Some experiences admittedly contribute to me saying this as well
I don’t really want to feel anything sad or happy, but focus on work.
Also for number 4, I really believe there are some objectively good and objectively bad decisions. I can see so many of the bad decisions I made it’s too hard to ignore, and things that have implications to my personal life. When I want to do something, it turns out I’m too late. Or I have to do much more effort others don’t have to spend. Or I make an effort on wrong things that have no benefit to me. And I can see what I should’ve been doing by looking at some people.
My reply might be kinda too contrasting to what you’re saying but I’d like to hear your thoughts as well.

required, 4 months ago

Sorry I don’t understand. How does this relate to the post?

required, 4 months ago

I just gave a few examples. They’re just doing something that is good for them, good for people around you, and definitely fulfilling. Especially contrasting with what I’ve been doing while these were happening.
It’s not that I don’t want to work. I really do. I actually worked a lot as well but I worked on stuff that doesn’t help me. I’m very ambitious
I don’t know what to do. But I can kind of point out with my finger towards what I’m looking for

required, 4 months ago

It’s not really about being happy or sad. I just want to be like these people. I don’t think this by itself would really help with what I’m looking for. I’d rather be unsatisfied instead of being satisfied without growth as well.

Also, I indeed went through some mental shittery in the past. I’m also kind of feeling the title because I was being an absolutely unproductive shit for two years in the prime years of my youth. Like, all that over literally nothing. Nothing that makes the slightest sense.
I think I successfully came over it though. Proud for that, but the time wasted won’t come back. You’d think I won’t let my time wasted like that again

required, 4 months ago

Relatable in everything you mentioned

Like how the fuck do you run a startup? I have a goddamn master’s degree and I can’t figure out how to register a business let alone run one

Yes, I really feel like this is not something that is gained by conventional wisdom. And it’s sad because when you ask people to explain, literally “tell me”, they give some useless answer all the time

required, 4 months ago

I hope you’re right. I don’t think I’m doing enough to get into the state where I’m satisfied for the moment.
Of course I’m doing a lot in general (and definitely outlast my past by far) but everyone does, especially at my age. It feels more like the rate of growth that is important here.
And I want to “undo” mistakes. I want to work harder and do something so I can “catch up”, perhaps not even a real person but the person I’d be if I spent my time productively. That’s why comparing with myself doesn’t feel satisfying

required, 4 months ago

Yes I have no claim that they’re special people. I can see myself being close that or just be that if I actually changed some (I mean, a lot of) stuff in the past
I’m worried because I end up like some of those people. And time is passing really fast. Even years don’t feel as long now. I think college will start and end before I realize it

required, 4 months ago

And that entire time I could think about anything but how little I’ve done with my life. How boring I must sound talking to anyone because I have zero experiences. But about 8 years ago, I got diagnosed and medicated.

I’m suffering from a similarly-caused “unexperiencedness” of but thankfully I could get out it before it in just two years - which is really still long enough to make you feel missing out. I have far fewer to tell people about but thankfully I still manage to be somewhat interesting most of the time, especially recently. On unrelated note, tips on how to build experiences and things to talk about post-recovery, or mitigate the effect of effectively doing nothing in the last years?
I definitely think of what would happen if I just, you know, didn’t get depressed at all and worked on myself.

If I don’t compare myself I think I’ll miss out from seeing some fundamental perspective. I benefitted so much from comparing myself with people after that unlucky period. But the unhealthy comparisons I made during that period made me go all the way downhill. It probably depends a lot on how you view it.

required, 4 months ago

I think my life goal is getting myself satisfied. Just getting more achievements to boost ego, and feeling pride etc.
Idk that’s just how life looks like to me. I don’t even seem to care about much else

required, 4 months ago

You seem to have figured it out at least. Happy for you!

required, 4 months ago

I’m aware of this effect. And I can say I’m pretty better positioned than many people I know irl. But I can still find people to envy to.
I’m also really materialistic in my world view recently. I think I’d want prestige and money and validation over anything else. Not sure how correct this thinking is but I don’t think I really have anything else to look up to^___^

required, 4 months ago

money hungry ladder climber

I think this is pretty close to my life outlook right now. I really don’t have any dream like that tbh 😭

required, 4 months ago

I don’t mean “sleeping around” literally, I just didn’t know what phrase to use to describe just kind of not doing any out-of-box activity and missing opportunities around you in general.
I did this too much it kind of affects some of my personal life negatively atm.
Context: I’m hope-to-be international student
I’m whining I have so little time to prepare for college admissions but… I could literally start preparing 2 years ago but I didn’t know I could study abroad at the time. Which is, kind of the dumbest assumption I made in my life. Have I never seen a single international student? Why would they not let you enroll? Why I decided I couldn’t study abroad for some reason? Why I took the words of the principal or family for a topic like that, they literally can’t speak English? Worse, I got really upset for not being able to study abroad for two years bc it was like my dream - this combined with some others factors made a few years of high school a mental hell for me
I could attend an international high school that would help with the process but I (literally this time) slept around instead of researching high schools.
I didn’t learn German even though I set that myself as a goal before, now I can’t apply to German universities, which would be free so I wouldn’t be stressed for getting scholarships right now
My examples are academic only but similar stuff exist in my social life as well, or like any other area
And time passes so fast I feel the pressure on my shoulders to not sleep around at least because I know I’ll regret that later on

required, 4 months ago

I’m not history-level obsessed on fame/glory/prestige (yet, lol) but I just want to prove myself or get validation etc. tbh
I just don’t feel like I’m on the right track for the life I want.

Besides, you don’t know how many people out there are looking at you right now and going, “damn, wish I was OP, having the maturity to question their place in the universe at only xx years old!”

And I’m saying the same for 14 year olds 😭 They’re so mature and have some understanding of the life lmao, something I definitely didn’t have. I was so dumb at the time.

required, 4 months ago

I hinted in the post I was 17
What I achieved doesn’t satisfy me (nor my actions), and I want to change that

required, 4 months ago

Psst you are 17. You can’t even legally waste your life on alcohol or drugs yet in Canada. Maybe you are/were messing around and causing trouble. You can still get out of it at this stage.

I wasn’t really causing trouble to people around me, but I definitely caused trouble for myself. Either by lack of awareness or by laziness or mental problems. I just didn’t do anything for myself. I think I don’t miss anything that has happened in the past a lot, I just did regular stuff that was just enough to keep me afloat

I know almost everyone has a parent or relativ tell a kid to be the next Galileo, Mozart, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, or invent the next thingymajig. But it’s more about what you desire to do, what you desire to be.

No one tells me that. In fact, everyone around me usually tells me “I’m proud of you” “I wish I was you” or stuff like that mostly for some good stuff I did in the last year
I’m just not content with myself. I want more, and seeing people that have more makes me feel bad so I also want that

required, 4 months ago

Nobody expects anything of that sort from me. I want it myself. I see people from similar backgrounds who has went through a different path than I chose (which was, usually, not based on reason or thought) and achieve great things. I just don’t want to miss more opportunities anymore and it’s incredibly hard to make sure you’re on the right path.
I’m trying to do some stuff and have been semi-successful. But it’s not the same as people starting earlier

required, 4 months ago

Your example kind of assumes every option is created equal. It definitely isn’t.
I get a much better analysis of what I have done in my past as time passes. I realize I missed so many objectively good paths. I wish I could see what I’m currently doing in retrospect from future. Like, my future self comes and give me advice

required, 4 months ago

I honestly didn’t really enjoy my past years. It’s not like I was partying in the time I’d be doing new projects.
That number is definitely not anywhere near 10 or 15. And I’m not comparing myself to “average” because I was never average. Median income globally is 12k$ per year, and half of the people are earn lower than that. I only compare myself with people from similar background as me, and I see numerous examples they just did better choices with their time and opportunities.

required, 4 months ago

I don’t like how I spent my time myself. I could do better

required, 4 months ago

Your life hasn’t even started yet. Just enjoy your life, your journey. Once you are old enough, you gonna miss this time.

I’m really sure of that. I’m realizing how much youth affects people’s life later on directly or indirectly and it just makes me more anxious about my decisions. I’m definitely doing many mistakes that my 30 year old will remember with grief.
If I look at my past I kind of did the worst decisions I could. And I could perfectly avoid bad decisions. I just didn’t, in combination of several factors and my ignorance.

required, 4 months ago

They had resources, usually from high school, or yes their family led them a bit as well. But the thing is I could have the same resources as well, if I didn’t sleep around while choosing my high school. Or even then, I could just go ask around, I’d definitely get something if I woke up and asked everyone around “I want to invent something”. Ask on internet literally. I didn’t.
It’s not “media” in the conventional sense. I just casually asked someone from a good high school what do best students look like.

required, 4 months ago

more prestige, more money, more external validation etc.
anything that sounds cool enough from outside. or anything that I can point at as “look, i spent x years here and here is how i spent my time with”
eg. founding a startup as a highscholer is a good example. or doing some serious research

required, 4 months ago

I’m fearing I won’t develop into adult either. Not in the way that I could be satisfied
I could do so many stuff, I had absolutely nothing to do but I chose to do the most boring, most ordinary stuff, which does not help me in the slightest

required, 4 months ago

I stopped accusing those people to be privileged. Some are, but there are many people from backgrounds similar to me, if not even worse. I met them. They aren’t special. They just act with their minds and make some good decisions. I could perfectly be in a position similar to them if I made the right decisions.

required, 4 months ago

I don’t know. Maybe the adults around me are lazy but literally all can’t move out of comfort zone, start something new.
Since you mentioned, yes I’m trying to study abroad (and it seems very likely). And I should be, because it has been my dream since 14 or something. But I only started preparing last year. Why? I just didn’t know I could study abroad. How could you be so blind that you can’t study abroad is a valid question that I can’t answer. I was misguided by all adults around me - just claimed it’s not possible until masters unless you get into a few super-selective high schools. But I could probably just open internet and ask the same question instead of taking the words of people that can’t even speak English. And I got confidence loss over not getting into these super-selective high schools (and not being able to study abroad), this effect combined with an unfortunate personal event got me into serious mental problems for around two years. This really wasn’t “I didn’t achieve good stuff because I partied too much” case, I didn’t enjoy my time doing unproductive stuff.
I was lucky enough I realized this is not the case later on by some means.
Looking at the opportunities of those students studying at international high schools in my country (which I was able to attend, but didn’t because I was not aware of the whole study abroad thing) who started this process 3 years ago and not 1 year, I’d probably get into Harvard or something of that sort - if I had these opportunities (which I could definitely have).
I just really feel far away from my true potential. I have huge regrets in non-academic areas of my life as well. I just didn’t make the best decisions for myself.

And I’m scared of getting older because I see adults around me at 30s or 40s don’t move an inch from their comfort zone. “I want to do x” “This would be nice” but there are no steps towards whatever they’re thinking of. They just seem stuck. I’m not sure getting married or having kids is what actually causes this effect though.
It seems so real I’ll study in the country I want to settle in, because I might think “nah I can’t spend more effort moving somewhere else, I don’t need more trouble”

required, 4 months ago

I casually asked someone from a selective high school what their best students look like

required, 4 months ago

I’m not fully versed on the life of these people but as far as I know Tesla had financial difficulties through out and Turing got targeted by anti-sodomy laws at the time (not related to his achievements). I definitely envy almost all parts of their lives, I’m not sure why you’d say that.
Musk straight out got deranged these days and is definitely an exception when you consider all the wealthy people. Zuck, Bezos etc. all quiet people in general.
I think I much appreciate success and accomplishing stuff than comfort, like I’d sacrifice my lifestyle if that meant I can do stuff

required, 4 months ago

I do the reverse. If there was something else I could do that day, it’s lost. And goddamn so often I do mistakes and feel bad about it.

required, 4 months ago

Also many with a similar or worse background than me though

required, 4 months ago

One thing that helps is trying to avoid that kind of information, whenever possible. The less you know about something that bothers you, the less it ends up bothering you

I feel like I won’t be able to improve unless I see people better than me

required, 4 months ago

I was going to study abroad or settle somewhere else sooner or later, I just don’t see anything relevant to this country anymore. I don’t really feel attached to anywhere to be honest: family, friends, country, anything that comes to mind. And I love travel, and I feel sick when I stay in some place for too long. Studying abroad is the best option for me.

I’m just too late, and despite my tremendous effort (including but not limited to completely messing up my sleep schedule for work) since last year, I see people are much better in their position because they just started things earlier. Did the right things. Had a network of people that guided them well. And as I’m typing this here perhaps someone else started something I’d love to do.

I’ll take your advice though, thanks for suggestions

required, 4 months ago

I hate the painter with a passion. He was incredibly dumb and even he knew it. And it’s not just “memory”, it was precious youth time that is lost. I’ll never be a highschooler again. I’m angry. I’d be happier if my past didn’t exist

required, 4 months ago

Sorry for the short reply, I think what you’re pointing out is very well described but I’m not equipped to deal with it