“Don’t become an anecdote” is a warning that covers a lot of stupidity.
It’s also a warning I give before displaying lots of anecdotes from when people fuck up.
(I train security guards…the bunny macer, for example. What kind of assbole do you think a rabbit- a baby rabbit- begging for food by hopping on your boot is a threat? Oh. Also the bunny ran up his pant leg; soaked in mace. And then got nibbly.)
So the client was property management for an apartment complex. The “family friendly” kind, they have revolving problems with tenants and their kids feeding animals. It goes in rotation. Geese. Bunnies, whatever.
Anyhow, the rabbits were the ones getting fat at the time and they had learned people mean food. The bunny hoped on his foot and he freaked out.
I called him an asshole, right?
he was freaking out and his reaction was to grab the mace. That he wasn’t supposed to have. Dumped the entire canister.
(Yeah. That shit gets everywhere.)
Now, if you’ve never been maced… it irritates your skin, eyes, mouth, nose, nasal passages, lunges. Makes you practically blind… and it’s a sensation that doesn’t stop.
The rabbit, positively soaked in this stuff ran up his baggy TactiKool pants. And up to junk. Where it went all Rabbit of Caerbannog. Nibbly, claws. That bunny was fighting for its life (and gave better than he got, if we’re being honest.
So I came on seen after the client called to let me know it happened. I got there around the same time animal control did. (The noises the guard was making were most … embarrassing…) (also he ignored my advice to always have a spare uniform. He’s more than one anecdote…)
The animal control guy. The EMTs. They were not impressed, but they got the rabbit out by cutting the pant leg off.
You’ll be happy to know the bunny is fine. They decontaminated it and kept it for observation. Also the animal control person recommended rabies shots (only to later discover that rabbits aren’t carriers. Don’t blame the animal control.)
Now with all that resolved… I had the “pleasure” of taking this guy to get checked out. Workman’s comp. Liability. All that.
So I drove his now naked ass to the hospital. This guy spent that entire adventure trying to ham it up into some heroic fight to impress the nurses. (Creep.)
They were considerably less hostile when they overheard me telling my boss that he was gonna get fired.
Like you said. Who maces a bunny?
So, Asshole Bunny Macer got discharged after the rabies course… and we happily informed him he was no longer employed.
Of course he tries to take us to unemployment court (it’s not quite a court, but there’s a panel.) so we played the camera footage of the entire incident. Complete with sound.
My favorite part is… he made the training reel for use of force basically instantly. Pretty much everyone who’s working security for our company (and lots of people elsewhere too…) know him. And what kind of asshole he is.
(It’s a humorous and therefore memorable training aid… let’s just say nobody has used mace inappropriately since. Also haven’t had a person needing a spare uniform… which is a personal priority of mine.)
My grandfather’s grandfather would have called them tatanka. Basically thunder beasts. The creature that demands your respect and attention. Who has the power of thunder when they move together.
It was considered the greatest challenge for a hunter to take one alone.
Greater Jackson Hole, Wyoming resident here. Tourists here are far stupider and in greater number than you could ever imagine.
If you ever watch the show Yellowstone, there is a scene of a bus full of Chinese tourists taking pictures in front of a Grizzly eating a carcass. That scene is not hyperbolic.
I have homes in three states, and lived in Austin for twenty years. I finally switched my primary home from Texas to Wyoming (formerly winter and summer home) in 2018.
Oh, nice! I just moved from NYC to Florida and was introduced to Buc-ees on my ride down haha There aren’t any in the NE, although they did put up a sign recently on the NJ Turnpike that says “You just missed us!” With a uturn arrow and “450 miles”.
As another resident of Wyoming I will confirm this. Some years back I bumped into the portmanteau of “Touron” (Tourist + Moron). It’s a shockingly apt description.
At various parks, including in Wyoming, I have seen tourists:
approach a bison (within 15 ft or so) while holding a toddler. Multiple other people approaching bison. Bison can weigh over a ton and can be aggressive.
take a selfie with and then attempt to touch a male elk on its head. It was in a herd and actually charged them but didn’t fully commit and hurt them - just scared them (but not enough imo)
dozens of people taking severe risks when hiking in remote areas. In the desert, 10 miles out when it’s 90f+ wearing sandals with no water and no cover. Rushing by other hikers on a <2ft wide ledge with a 300ft sheer drop while wearing sandals and carrying their young child in a bulky carrier on their back, etc.
getting within 25ft or so of a male moose to get a picture, moose was visibly agitated. Moose weigh about a half ton and can be quite aggressive.
large group of people following black bear female with cubs, on foot, for pictures - like 50ft back but still too close for their safety and for the bear’s safety, especially when they’re following it.
Frighteningly many people have zero respect for nature, treat national parks like theme parks, and put themselves, animals, and their children at risk for no good reason in situations that are 100% avoidable.
One time I decided to take a day trip to the Valley of Fire, not far from there. It was August and 116 degrees. I had it all planned out. Figured out which stops along the way were short enough for me to walk safely in the heat. Brought lots of water and was never to far from the air conditioned car.
I’ll be damned if I didn’t run into people wearing polo shirts and khakis. Carrying no water or anything at all to drink.
It’s like they were writing an instruction manual on how to get heat stroke.
PSA for those reading the above comment: Do not fuck with moose bulls, especially during the summer. They are very willing to fuck your shit up. Bears are a known danger, but people always underestimate moose aggression.
I just don’t understand that. I can see not getting that moose are dangerous from the safety of your home. But at the point you’re seeing one in real life the size alone should be a giant red flag.
Lived in Arizona for a decade. Can confirm people are really fucking dumb with hiking in the heat. They close the trails around Phoenix every summer now and people go right past those signs and die anyways.
Arizona also has the dumb motorist law where if you need to be rescued from a flash flood you drove into, you’re paying for it. In general Arizona is one of those states where signs saying “this is dangerous, turn around” should really be heeded.
The last one is the I-17 going up to Flagstaff. They have signs for when chains are required and areas to put them on. So when you’re a hundred miles south of that point and the big electronic sign says “Chains or Turn Around”… Well you know where I’m going with that. There are sheer drops off the mountainside.
A forest ranger once famously said “the difficulty in designing a good bear box is that there’s considerable overlap between the stupidest tourists and the smartest bears”.
I have some really, really bad news if the only thing holding your worldview together is the idea that people make their way in this world on their own merit.
If you’re in a neighborhing state you can just drive to Yellowstone over a weekend. It’s actually really beautiful and unique. I even got a selfie with a Bison but it was standing 25 ft behind me in the background, munching on grass or whatever. Literally thousands of people do this without issue as long as they don’t get too close and don’t fuck with the Bison. I will never understand people who want to fuck with 800 pound meat tanks.
Unfortunately the policy is to kill animals that hurt guests, even if it was the guest’s fault. I don’t think this applies to trampling, but it does to predators (wolves, bears, lions). Stay away from the animals, mmmmkay.
My thoughts exactly, we need to let Natural Selection do its job. If you wanna take a selfie with a 1500 pound wild animal, go right ahead. Don’t complain if you get trampled though.
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