Alice

@Alice@beehaw.org

Mostly lurking. United States southerner, gay, working retail. An amazing combination

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Alice, (edited )

You can’t argue with crazy. In fact, if you’re that desperate for crazy to validate reality for you, you have deeper problems.

Oh also if you help a family member who’s threatening to kill themselves, they’re just gonna threaten that every time they need $5.

Alice,

I was homeschooled, have ADHD and dyslexia. Even well into adulthood I’m denser than the average high school grad.

Alice,

Finding an animal I forgot I owned, usually sick or half-starved in a dark, cramped enclosure.

My father was an animal hoarder, no mystery where that comes from.

Other than that, I just have a lot of dreams about my family arguing. Never anything ridiculous or dramatic, just a bunch of people who look down on each other making it known.

Alice,

The child is someone who doesn’t have a financial stake in what the tree is used for. It’s narrative shorthand for innocence, but it doesn’t mean “only children think this way”.

Otherwise it wouldn’t be encouraging the readers, presumably adults, to think that way, because it would be impossible.

Alice,

Reddit is so useless. I write occasionally, and whenever I hit a wall researching a character’s background, everyone tells me, “ask on Reddit!”

I stopped asking on Reddit five years ago, because I can’t get any feedback besides a handful teenagers making wild guesses. Thank you for trying, kids. I guess.

Alice,

Watched I Saw the TV Glow. Fucked me up. A little bit jealous because all my friends left the theater with the determination to start HRT so they don’t end up like the main character. Unfortunately I feel like whatever is wrong with me is much too innate and deep seated to be cured with hormones.

My friend who lashed out and dropped me for offering to pay for his medication started paying for it himself and now he’s super happy all the time. I’ve never felt more useless. I spent several years attempting to support him through his worst, and he basically told me that if I kept giving him false hope, he’d kill himself. Then as soon as I stopped, he did a 180 and feels great 24/7.

I can’t help myself and I can’t help other people, what am I doing here?

Jumblie is a challenging browser-based open-source puzzle game to guess the four words of the day (jumblie.com)

The game has a theme word for each day, so keep that in mind when guessing the words. It is more challenging than Wordle because there are no hints apart from the theme word. So, if one of the words is ‘landing’ and you guessed ‘land’ there is no confirmation you’re getting warm at all....

Alice,

TIL how many potato-related words I can think of

Alice,

A guy followed me around the grocery store when I was around 20. I didn’t have a car and didn’t want to walk home with a stranger following me, so I just walked around the store for ages.

At one point some guy asked me if I noticed anything strange about the guy following me. I don’t remember what I said. At another point, a friendly stranger started making small talk with me, and asked my name. I was nervous but that’s really common around here and I didn’t know how to leave the conversation.

I saw both guys reporting back to the guy following me.

Don’t know what they wanted. I ended up hiding in the women’s restroom for a few hours.

Alice,

Unfortunately not. I left out some stuff because it’s an unpleasant memory but on my walk there I saw him driving, and he pulled over to beat a dog in the backseat. Animal cruelty isn’t really prosecuted here so it’s weird he’d be that bothered by a witness.

I was nervous and keeping an eye on him after that and sometimes I wonder if he thought I was up to something and got his buddies on the defensive. Or maybe he was a garden-variety creep and saw a fem-presenting person walking alone.

Alice,

This is so mean, I know my family tries…

I know a lot of adults are into figurines and toys, but I’m not. I have a small apartment and dusty surfaces stress me out. Plus there’s a bug problem courtesy of my neighbors, and it’s important to be able to clean up after those fuckers quickly. I just don’t like a home with a bunch of tiny knick-knacks taking up surface space.

Every birthday and Christmas I get a dozen small toys, usually for things I liked as a kid. I try to mention that I want kitchenwares or craft supplies, but my family just doesn’t remember things I say very often. The fact that they’ve started remembering my birthday, after I mention it all month long, is a victory.

I don’t want anyone to see their gifts in thrift stores, so I try to sell them on ebay, but it’s slow.

Alice,

Tacky blue Walmart employee polo 🙁

But honestly I own enough leather jackets to be the bad boy in a cartoon. Put me in a plain T-shirt and jeans and then draw me sweating profusely since it’s 100°F where I live.

Alice,

Lonesome, been a bit moody. I’m not sure why. My best guess is that my work schedule is fucked this week and it’s made it harder to do food prep. Maybe I’m not eating as good.

Made a friend at work but now I’m feeling a little hesitant. I could tell they were a few years younger than me, but I checked their Discord bio and they’re 19. They invited me to join their D&D group and they’re all 19. The thought of being the oldest person at the table by 11 years and needing to be taught how to play is embarrassing. My best friend is ~15 years older than me and now I wonder if I ever make her feel like a grandma.

Other than that it’s all good. Chasing time due to work, but getting to the gym when I can. Getting some much needed work done around the house. I’m hoping getting the table cleared off and the craft supplies organized will get the creative juices flowing again.

Alice,

That’s true!

Alice,

What a pain in the ass. I’m sorry.

Alice,

It’s been more of the same, but that’s not a bad thing. I’ve been remembering my food prep, hitting by gym goals, and even drawing a little bit. Just sketches of my own characters and some embarrassing nude studies, but sketching is the fun part anyway.

I did get into an argument at the start of this week and in hindsight it was completely my fault. I notice that I’m a lot better at talking to people when I’m on adderall; I have an easier time listening, and I can think about what I want to say clearer. I only have it in my system for about four hours a day, though, so I’m gonna start being more careful outside that window. Never realized I had this problem until I suddenly started having better conversations with my coworkers.

Getting a little restless as they just told me that I need 22 more weeks of refinement on my dental aligners. I get insurance through my work so I can’t quit until I’m finished with all my dental work, but I’m so ready to go to tech school!

Alice,

Hope you get some good news about your knee! Glad it hasn’t stopped you from enjoying your bike.

Alice,

That’s awesome!

Alice,

I’m sorry, it sounds like a really hard time for both you and your ex. I hope things look up for both of you soon.

Alice,

The only thing funnier than people thinking Pink Floyd is apolitical is people thinking The Wall was right-wing.

Also met a strange amount of republicans who like Rise Against. When I was first getting into them I saw someone say they turned out to be fash, so I asked for more info and it turned out it was because they said they didn’t want racists, misogynists, or homophobes at their concerts.

Alice,

How far does this go? Are haircuts lies? What about clothing?

I’m a big believer that we should embrace our natural features, but nobody is trying to mislead you into believing they don’t grow facial hair.

Alice,

Hey same! It’s so hard to make time. I’ve been trying to color a picture of one guy for ages now.

Alice,

It’s been good, objectively, but for some reason I’m not feeling it.

My medication has been amazing for getting me through the workday. For some reason my brain instantaneously converts boredom to anger, plus I tend to fixate uncontrollably on really negative things. I don’t think I’ve freaked out or embarrassed myself at all since starting the medication, though.

I’ve hit all my gym goals this week, which I haven’t done in months, so that should be a good sign for my mental health, too.

But I don’t know, I still feel like a sad, lonely person. My friends all have such great relationships with each other even when I have to walk on eggshells around them. I can’t make friends offline because I have nothing really interesting to bring to the table.

Plus I’m dreading cutting my hair because everyone is so nice to me now that they think I’m femme. Actually I just had a lot on my plate and stopped cutting my hair and dressing up for a while.

Alice,

Maybe I’m depressed, I don’t know. I feel so disconnected when everyone else has a wife and a beautiful family and a passion they’re chasing, and my only accomplishment ever was leaving my mom’s house.

My new medication has been wonderful, I haven’t had any embarrassing meltdowns in a couple of weeks. I hoped my friends would be happy for me, but they all hit real milestones the same week, so it got swept aside pretty fast.

Alice,

I use “you’re welcome” in customer service, but nowhere else. It somehow always just sounds stilted and clumsy, even though it’s something everyone else has said fine for years.

Otherwise I usually just say “of course”, because I feel like it’s the same sentiment but rolls off the tongue easier.

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