I find it so hard to find anyone compatible. I’m basically slowing down my dating efforts because it just makes me miserable. Are there any success stories out there? Common personality types that pair surprisingly well? Anything?
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I understand that dating can be challenging and it’s disheartening when it doesn’t bring the desired happiness. However, it’s important to remember that everyone’s dating journey is unique. While there may be success stories out there, it’s important to focus on finding compatibility rather than relying solely on common personality types. Additionally, exploring personal interests and values can also contribute to a successful connection. On a related note, have you ever heard of @rice purity test? It’s a fun way to gauge different experiences and can sometimes spark interesting conversations while getting to know someone.
This might sound very cinicall, but I gave up on dating neurotypicals entirely. The “gap” is just to large for me.
Now I exclusively date other neurodivergent people and this was the best change I made in my life. Not having to constantly explain some “weird stuff” I do or why some thing matter more then others is a reliefe. Not being forced to justify ones own existence to a partner takes a lot of the strain away.
Even better sometimes when we both care about a certain thing others would find strange, it’s a rare moment of understanding we seldomly get to share with neurotypicals, like really nice clothing texture, a pleasent sound, perfectly marching colours, or a random buildings symetrical features. And when we go out together and it just gets to much, wanting to quit and go home is nothing that needs to be explained or justified.
The best part is that the other often also questions very basic parts about themselves, leading to deep and revealing conversations. Since they too often seek out more knowledge about existing in this world, I don’t feel bad for sharing doubts about myselfy because I never fear these things being invalidated.
The most difficult part might actually finding other neurodivergents, but it is worth the effort for me.
Got lucky and met my partner when I was 18. First long term relationship and still going strong 12 years later. We’re both neurodivergent but didn’t figure that out until a few years ago. We bonded over our interests and still do. Our dates are so much fun and we enjoy doing everything together. We also have very compatible values and even though our communication isn’t always great, we always find a way around it because we’re both really committed to understanding each other’s feelings.
The advice about not looking for love is good but incomplete. I think that some people (myself included) have to put some thoughtful effort into dating if they want a partner. For others, it comes more naturally for one or two simple reason(s): they have a wide social circle and/or they have lives that consistently put them in contact with a lot of other people. In a lot of ways, it truly is a numbers game.
Since I’m not one of those people, I took a systematic approach to dating and sought to replicate that network effect while still staying true to myself. I upgraded to the paid version of Scruff (I’m a gay man) after realizing that it was far easier for me to make friends than date where I was. The immediate goal was not to find a boyfriend, it was to practice chatting with men in a platonic manner. The secondary goal was to make a friend or two. I made a goal of chatting with 4-5 people each week.
In the meantime, I started delving more into my hobbies by taking classes and going to meetups because they exposed me to more people. Also, hobbies are a good source of conversational topics.
After 3-4 months of doing this, I received a message on Scruff at 2:00 one morning. My sleep schedule at that time was messed up, so I was actually awake then. I looked at his profile and saw that he was interested in maps (one of my special interests). So I responded and we just hit it off. If you’ve ever met someone and just clicked with them, you’ll understand what I mean by that. We became good friends within a month or two, then things got a little more serious. The downside was that he was literally on the other side of the continent and we both had careers that were dependent on our locations, so we agreed to keep things platonic. We met in person the following month and found that the attraction was still there, only stronger.
We’ve been together for over four years now and have lived together for 3.5 of them. He also has ADHD, which is probably part of why we get along so well. Perhaps I just got lucky, but if I hadn’t pushed myself to socialize with others (I consider text-based conversations to be a form of socializing), we would never have met.
tl;dr: The closest thing there is to a magic formula is to be kind, interesting, and interested in other people. And “interesting” means different things to everyone, but in my experience, hobbies and special interests tend to be a bit of an advantage. Also, a good first step is to widen your social circle (use your favorite search engine to learn more about the weak ties theory, if you want to nerd out about how that works…this is also a good start: en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_ties).
Even though I am aware of sounding incredibly cliché and cringe: The more you try to force it, the less success you’ll have. Forget personality types. Forget ‘effort’. People seem to instinctlively know when you’re not having a good time or when you’re outside your comfort zone. So have a good time first, and look for a mate second.
(Also, I am aromantic, so my sack of advice is probably worth only the sack)
As with most relationships, the “secret” is open and honest communication. It’s of course not a secret, but it is often not what people try initially anyway. I think too much of the rest of life is about the opposite that it just starts to feel wrong to be vulnerable and honest with someone. In our specific case, one of the parts of being open and honest is that we are not going to know if someone is trying to be subtle. But having a daily discussion or if you prefer to keep things spontaneous, pushing a little deeper anytime an opportunity comes up to be open with each other can help if you both feel comfortable doing so.
I have mostly only had success with dating apps, for me specifically eHarmony, I’m sure other dating apps work too, but I liked that one best when I did my research 10 years ago. I don’t know if it’s still the same. I had technically had a relationship before using a dating site, but I wasn’t aware I was in a relationship, so it didn’t go super well. Dating sites are good at making sure both participants are aware they are intending to start a relationship with each other, hehe.
You will definitely immediately cut your prospects by starting out openly and honestly. Listing your known faults, and looking for other people who have done the same. But once you find them. The resulting relationship will feel alot better. Plus, by finding someone with faults that don’t bother you, or that you are ok working with, you will have found someone that meets more of the positive traits you desire that is still on your overall level.
To give an example, most people unfortunately consider having children to be a big negative for dating prospects. It doesn’t bother me at all, so it dramatically helps me to find a much better person than I would otherwise be “worth”. I’m sure you can think of things most people would consider to be a negative that you don’t. As weird as it is to think about people this way, it can be very worth doing.
And speaking of worth, there are lots of ways to improve your own worth. Common traits that tend to help are general “handiness” around the house. Alot of that sort of stuff is way more accessible there than you may currently realise. Being in-shape, but not “too” in-shape is generally a good idea, and also more accessible than you may currently think. And while it’s not true that money is the most important thing to most people, it certainly doesn’t hurt to have. But what’s more important is job security, knowing that you have a steady job, or valuable skillset that would land you on your feet no matter what is a huge boost on average in the long term dating/relationship “market”. But on the flip side, not having a job might be the negative that someone else is looking for in a partner. Having someone available to stay at home can be handy for someone that already has enough single income to support more people.
This is intended to be written as gender neutral, but I am a guy that likes women, so that is my base perspective, some of it may have unintentionally biased the advice.
I tried briefly when I was younger. Never went well. Then I randomly met someone online and we had a long-distance toxic relationship on and off for about five years. I’ve been single now for about four years and am as lonely as I am terrified of trying to date again.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I should ever bother dating again. Going through therapy now, and I almost feel like my pursuit of a partner has been more like a search for a caretaker. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like me? I forget basic things constantly, I’m broke and can barely work, I’m prone to extreme depressive episodes, my anxieties regularly control me, I have difficulty trusting people outside of my immediate family, and I’m not even physically attractive.
I’m “working on myself” through therapy and all that, but I doubt I’ll ever be in a position where I am worthy of love. It’s even less likely I’ll get to a position where I can convince someone else that I’m worth loving.
Sounds really rough. I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I really wish I started on meds earlier. Sertraline and methylphenidate worked really well for me. Therapy alone just didn’t cut it.
The way someone explained this to me was: you probably wouldn't judge someone else the way you do yourself - certainly not if you knew the context and what they're dealing with.
Personally speaking, I feel like I don’t judge someone else the way I judge myself because I don’t know the full extent of what they are going through but I have access to all of my thoughts, memories, and every action I did or didn’t take. This lowers the possibility of there being a hidden, valid reason for actions or thoughts that I judge myself for compared to others.
This isn’t meant to say that MisterMcBolt is right about their self-judgement. Just wanted to point out another possible reason for judging others differently from yourself.
I (AuDHD diagnosed last year) am very glad that I met my wife (NT as far as we know) in the 90s. I think that was a more forgiving time. Since i’m completely clueless in regards to flirting, non verbal signals and reading between the lines, my (now) wife had to basically ask me to kiss her for me to realize that she might be interested in me. So I can’t really give advice other than: be friendly and wait for the rigth person to choose you. Regarding personality types I can say that I’m often indecisive and tend to overthink things while my wife is very practical and a bit dominant. It works rather well for us.
I joked with my last girlfriend that she would have had more success flirting with a wall. She tried to sit on my lap at one point and I still never got the hint.
Flirting is such an ambiguous game where you talk and act around being interested while never explicitly saying you’re interested. It’s similar to how people talk to each other using colourful phrases without meaning to say something. For example, “state of the art” is such an empty phrase to express modernity. Modern art, modern technology, modern science, modern standard of living could all be “state of the art.” Flirting, like modern language, is so ambiguous that it’s a confusing mess for me to navigate.
She did eventually learn to be more direct with me but still got annoyed because I didn’t flirt with her. While it didn’t work out with her, it helped me understand that I’d rather be with myself than to try and play a game that was designed around ambiguity. If someone is interested in me and is direct about it, I will be far more receptive to see where things go. Being direct is a great sign of compatability for me. Honesty about one’s self is also a a great indicator of a good person too.
I realized a long time ago that I a higher standard for who I want to be with so I never really pursued a relationship even though I’d like to be in one. The hardest part about that choice is dealing with the judgement and shaming that comes from others for not being in a relationship.
Flirting, like modern language, is so ambiguous that it’s a confusing mess for me to navigate.
You’re so real for this. I feel you. Absolutely bussin comment. But fr I absolutely love silly language, so this isn’t me 😅Still awful at flirting, though.
Only tip I can give (the deaf leading the blind, lol) is disregard what is said and focus on body language and time usage. Is someone spending time with you? How far apart from you do they like to stand? What direction do their feet point?
What kind of things have you found to be sticking points?
If they’ve generally been the same sticking points across many potential partners, here’s my 2¢:
Principles - IMO I find that us neurodivergents can be really principled, it may help to try and seek someone who shares the same strong values as you for whatever it is that matters the most to you
Something continually drawing you to a particular personality type, you could try and meet people in unusual situations or different environments/contexts instead to try and shake things up. If you’re using an app, scrap your current profile and make a brand new one, hopefully that should give you a more varied choice of potential partners IMO
Some people are skeptical of personality tests and personality traits (I’m not, having witnessed most of these traits and their quirks firsthand). You could try taking a personality test to figure out what kind of people you’ll get along with really well, helping you on your way to finding a partner.
I think my primary sticking point is it feels like I’m searching for a needle in a haystack. There are just so very few women that interest me in a sea of - for me - uninteresting women. Nothing against picnics, Netflix, and coffee in the morning, but it’s not for me. My problem on the apps is boring profiles. My problem in real life is feeling bored and/or lonely in their company. And when I finally find someone I like, it turns out the feeling isn’t mutual.
Edit: Another problem is I am pretty judgemental (shocker, I know). I try not to be mean about it, but there does seem to be an expectation of just constant possitivity towards your partner that I find really weird.
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