Tactical Zombie Slayer 9,000,000

In a McMainsion somewhere, some legislator is being kept awake at nights by the very thought of this knife.

They’ve done their very best to ban knives that are too big, have to many edges, are spring loaded, or can flip open. In some places they’ve even banned knives that can lock open or be opened with one hand. But this knife is still out there haunting them.

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“Can I get a knife?”

What kind?

“A shiny one.”

Okay, what size?

“… Schmol.”

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If you’re an enthusiast in this hobby you are well acquainted with dumb knife laws, and you can bet your bottom dollar the hype your local council member will spin about this one is about how it’s “easily concealable.” If it’s not one goddamn thing, it’s another.

This little tacker is only 1-9/16" long. Not the blade; the entire thing, fully opened. It’s only 1" long closed, and that doesn’t include the little keychain loop on the back, about the durability of which I maintain a quaint, childlike faith. The blade is not surprisingly 9/16" long, but what is surprising is that it’s actually got an edge on it albeit not exactly a surgically sharp one. With a real choil. And a “thumb” opening hole for ants. Sharpening it shouldn’t be too tough, since it should only take one pass on your stone per side. The usable portion of the edge is barely longer than the width of the flat side of a Spyderco triangle stone.

It only weighs 2.9 grams. One tenth of an ounce.

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The construction is all steel, although I’ll certainly be damned if I know what kind. This, and others like it, are yours for around $3 from the usual scumbags. There is no brand or model number, but numerous variants are available. On this one, the blade is polished to a mirror finish and the handles are brushed and satiny.

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Ant it actually has a genuine little tiny slip joint mechanism, with a prong on the spine that detents the knife in both the open and closed positions.

This knife “ought” to be legal anywhere due to falling, shall we say, well within the bounds of blade length limitations. It is not spring loaded, it doesn’t lock, and if you can open it with one hand (without using your teeth) I’ll give you a dollar. It hasn’t got a single feature from the naughty list.

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If a ruffian assails you, be prepared with a few hundred of these. You can throw a handful of them in his face like pocket sand.

The Inevitable Conclusion

Honk honk. Why so serious?

Despite the obvious intent of just being a little novelty trinket, this knife actually is functional insomuch as you could use it to, say, open packages or sharpen a pencil. And for all your friends who have little “urban carry” micro-knives, show them up with this which is just about the most micro of them all.