Struggling to tolerate wife's haircut

I typically don’t care about things like hairstyle, makeup or clothes. But my wife has started giving herself a buzz cut and I simply hate it. I told her and she grew it out for a while, but she said longer hair was making her depressed and it needed to be a buzz cut. She said it just looks like her when she sees it. Part of me thinks that’s gender euphoria and she’s just around the corner from realising that she’s trans. I would not be comfortable continuing the relationship in that case. (She has said she feels a-gender but not male).

I’ve tried to tolerate it, but I dislike looking at her now and it’s contributing to me being depressed now. I don’t want these feelings every time I look at my wife.

We’ve generally had a good relationship over about one and a half decades, with two young children. We’re also codependent and own a house together.

It would make things difficult if we separate. I really don’t want to separate just because of a haircut, but I’ve definitely been thinking about it. I just don’t know what to do.

TheBananaKing,

Get a fucking grip maybe?

It’s hair.

blargbluuk,
@blargbluuk@sh.itjust.works avatar

Maybe but it seems to represent a bunch of buried concerns or insecurity.

ImpromptuIdentity,

Believe me, I’ve tried. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who would be fine with it or even like it, but I’m just not one of them. I’m also sure I’m not the only one who dislikes the look of a buzz cut on a woman. I’m having trouble maintaining a relationship with someone who has a look that I hate.

I would be fine if this was temporary but she’s made it clear she never wants to grow it out at all. Not even a pixie cut.

I’d be happy to hear advice that would help me ‘get a fucking grip’.

Volkditty,

It’s pretty obviously not the haircut itself that’s the problem…if she went back to having long hair, would you think, “Great! I suddenly no longer have any concerns about my wife’s gender identity!” There’s something more going on there, whether it’s real or just in your head. Go to therapy. Ideally as a couple, but individually if you have to, to get to the bottom of that.

ImpromptuIdentity,

If I’m honest with myself it’s hard to pin-point the real source of my feelings. I guess it’s a mix of things. But, at the moment I do think the largest issue is that I don’t like the look. My concern about gender identity is one that comes up every now and again, mostly because she made a comment about how good that hairstyle made her feel which sounded like gender euphoria to me. She assures me that’s not it, so I think I would be OK if she was happy to grow her hair out.

I guess you’re still right about couple’s therapy. I did try to organise it at one point, but it got difficult. I’ll take it more seriously now.

dumples,
dumples avatar

A different short haircut isn't gender euphoria. I think you are reaching since that scares you.

ImpromptuIdentity,

I don’t think it’s gender euphoria just because of the haircut. It’s that she’s thinking she doesn’t identify as female anymore, she does seem to have changed. And, seeing herself with a buzz cut evoked strong feelings of it being right. I’ve definitely heard other people having that kind of gender euphoria from having a male haircut, and I’ve seen someone else go though a similar transition.

Having said that I’m not trying to say I know better than she does, it is just a fear of what could happen and would ruin the relationship. I don’t have any problem with people being trans but I’m simply not attracted to men, trans or otherwise. So there probably is these feelings mixed in when I see such a male haircut on my wife (a look that I also find very unattractive).

leds,

Please remember that not identifying as a woman anymore doesn’t always mean that they identify as a man, can just as well be anywhere in between or neither. So that wouldn’t necessarily change your relationship, they are still the same person.

Galapagon,

If she’s sure it’s not a gender thing, what about a nice wig for dates and that sort of thing?

Galapagon,

What Volkditty said is the best answer here. I think it’s time to get professional help. The worst case it will help you with separating, but the outcomes could only improve from there.

Dymonika,

the outcomes could only improve from there.

Assuming he gets a good therapist... good luck with the search, OP!

Anyolduser,

It’s not just hair, it attraction in a marriage.

We’re talking about a major voluntary change to a person’s appearance made repeatedly despite their spouse’s objections. While the wife is absolutely free to do whatever, the lack of consideration speaks volumes.

Imagine if he shaved off his eyebrows off and his wife said he looked weird like that. He likes it, she hates it and finds it ugly. He absolutely, undeniably has the right to keep his eyebrows bare as a baby’s bottom.

In our hypothetical, him not trying to make a compromise (like trimming his eyebrows halfway or tweezing them) means that he’s totally OK with his spouse finding him repulsive and is not willing to budge an inch for her sake. He’s going to do what he wants, her feelings of attraction towards her spouse are simply unimportant to him.

ImpromptuIdentity,

Hearing it like that hits me pretty hard. I’ve been struggling with the idea that she seems to feel the haircut is more important than the relationship… But then I feel hypocritical because I guess I’m doing a similar thing on the other side.

I obviously don’t have any entitlement to control her hair, but I am surprised she hasn’t been willing to compromise at all. I feel like most people are happy to adjust their look to suit their partners preferences, including myself.

Anyolduser,

I don’t know the ins and outs of your marriage or how you two communicate, so take what I’m saying with a grain of salt and tailor it to fit your needs.

When you approach the issue at face value (“I really hate the haircut”) it’s easy and even reasonable for her to sort of short circuit the discussion and default to saying that it’s just hair or that her appearance is her decision. While that’s all true enough, it overlooks the core issues and the feelings that motivated you to put up a stink about it in the first place. Basically, she handily addressed the “symptom” of the argument without tackling the “disease”.

It’s impossible for me to know, but there’s a pretty high probability that this boils down to a miscommunication, albeit a very serious one. There’s one side of the spectrum where you completely failed to identify and communicate your feelings, and another side of the spectrum where she was completely unable to look beyond the surface of the issue and consider your feelings. I’m not a gambling man, but I’d bet just about anything that the truth is somewhere in the middle and not at either extreme.

Based on what you’ve said in your post and comments it seems like you’re already reflecting and trying to understand your own feelings and motivations which is the absolute best thing you can do. Once you feel like you’ve got a handle on that, try to look at your relationship and this disagreement in particular through an objective lens. Look at it like a dispassionate outside observer. Analyze it to see where both of you made mistakes in your communication.

Once you’ve done all that, start discussing things as neutrally as possible. Avoid accusation or anything that could be interpreted that way. Make it clear that the problems are with attraction, compromise, and consideration in the marriage.

A woman’s right to make decisions about her own appearance can be a thorny topic, and can lead to the “short circuiting” that drove you to make this post in the first place. Keep the discussion pointed decidedly away from her haircut and focused on feelings and needs in a marriage. Use examples like her preferences for your facial hair or rip off my eyebrows example wholesale.

Recognize and validate her feelings and her right to control over her own body, but also defend your feelings and a right to love and consideration in your marriage. Let her know how much you care about her and about your relationship together, and that the reason you want to feel attracted to her is because you love her and know that feeling that way will help keep you two close.

Maalus,

She was willing to compromise, she grew her hair out a bit. But then decided that after all she wants the buzz cut. Which could be for a variety of reasons, one of the major ones could be “my husband still doesn’t find me attractive with slightly grown out hair, so why bother, back to buzzcut”.

ImpromptuIdentity,

Well I actually told her her hair was looking good when she told me it was making her depressed and she was going to cut it again. It was probably around a long pixie cut. So, I don’t really see that as a compromise.

Maalus,

Why don’t you see it as a compromise? She grew out her hair a little bit for you. That’s the definition of a compromise.

ImpromptuIdentity,

Alright, I guess I said she wasn’t willing to at all, but there was a temporary compromise. I guess what I really mean is she is no longer willing to compromise at all.

Furbag,

You guys need couples therapy, not advice from internet strangers on Lemmy. This is an issue that’s going to take some serious unpacking and that requires a professional’s help.

evergreen, (edited )

I think that all of the comments here telling you things like “it’s just hair, get over it” etc are bullshit. It may be true for people other than you in other situations but if that were the case then you wouldn’t have posted here in the first place. It’s obviously an issue that requires more than “oh come on its no big deal”. It’s very hard if not impossible for people to change who/what they are attracted to and you should not be shamed or belittled for being attracted to long hair.

Having said that, I do think that couple’s therapy would be a good idea to help you guys get everything out on the table so that you can sort through this together. People change over their lifetimes both physically and mentally, and it can be challenging sometimes to understand and accept those changes.

Wishing the best to both of you.

Mostly_Harmless_Variant,

I’m a white straight cis-woman who hates my hair and would buzz cut if it were more socially acceptable. It’s not a gender thing; it’s a tactile-sensory thing. I dislike it on my neck and face and hate the cost and experience of monthly maintenance to keep a cute pixie cut. A good hairstyle (by good I mean one you feel good in) definitely matters. I’m doing my hair longer now to get it in a pony tail. Don’t love it at all, but while it’s was growing out I felt frumpy and depressed. I would feel more confident if I could buzz mine without this stigma. If I were more courageous I would but the last time I had it very low people were judgy and to me it’s wasn’t worth the reactions.

But I don’t think your post is actually about the hair cut. There’s a lot of feelings you both your ends on what it means and what you think it means but may not. A healthy relationship IMO needs to talk about these openly. Even if you find you’re growing in different directions, if you love her, try to support her being authentic to herself. You may find your relationship can be stronger for it.

Cosmicomical,

Gender euphoria? Really?

surewhynotlem,

Probably autocorrected from dysphoria

ImpromptuIdentity,

Gender euphoria is the opposite. It’s a good feeling when things feel right (seeing yourself look masculine as a trans man). I’m not saying that’s what it was, but it fits a little too well and makes me uncomfortable.

surewhynotlem,

Oh weird. I’ve never heard that phrase before. Yeah, that wouldn’t be good

hikaru755,

It’s a new-ish term, I believe. Trying to get away from the notion that the trans experience is all negative things

Azzu, (edited )

There is so much to unpack in this post, I don’t even know where to begin.

longer hair was making her depressed

No way a hairstyle is the root cause for her being depressed.

You/she need to figure out the real reasons.

But also why a change in hairstyle at all would have any impact at all, I feel this should be such an irrelevant thing on mental state. An interesting question would be, if she were on a lonely island with no one there but her, would her hairstyle still have a large impact on her being depressed? Why? (For me hairstyles/any appearance change are just signals for other people)

In general I agree that your looks are not for yourself, but for your partner. I’d change almost everything about myself as long as it wasn’t a huge maintenance investment (which specific long hair can be, but can also be simple). I don’t understand anyone that chooses a look only for themselves. You don’t even see yourself unless you search for a mirror!

I couldn’t be with a woman with a buzz cut (by choice, when alternatives exist) either.

jol,

Your comment was great until the last sentence. I really don’t get it. You can have a preference, sure, but to say you couldn’t be with any women because of short hair is so shallow.

Azzu,

It’s because I’m shallow. Visuals are important to me. I know my preferences, and no/barely any hair on the head is ugly to me. Doesn’t take anything away from the rest of the comment though.

rufus, (edited )

I’d say drop it and accept your wife how she likes to be. It’s not “nothing” but it’s just outer appearance and ultimately she has to walk around with her body and be comfortable with her looks.

You two should talk. Respect each other and find something that works for the both of you. Focus on how you and her feel and what your wants and needs are. In doubt she gets to decide on her own haircut. But try to find out why it’s bothering you and her so much.

Edit: And I’d agree on the couples therapy someone mentioned. This isn’t a healthy situation to be in. You probably need to put in some effort if you want to keep her. Learn how to accept each other and grow past this. I’m not saying you’re at fault or the one needing to change. But the underlying issue could drive you apart if it keeps growing.

hohoho,
@hohoho@lemmy.world avatar

youtube.com/shorts/1cNUGtSC5vw

morphballganon,

I don’t have a solution for the hair thing, but if someone tells you they are agender and not trans, believe them.

HubertManne,
HubertManne avatar

Ive been married 23 years or so. I don't have this issue but I feel for you. Unfortunately I have no advice just compassion.

applepie, (edited )

Separation over hair cut is clown

But don't let people tell that your concerns are not valid lol

You got to look at that woman everyday, the reason why you married likely because you felt she was easy on the eyes. Men like women to look a certain way, I am sorry lol

This goes both ways obviously tho.

Doing some switcheroo midway and expecting it not to cause friction is childish.

LustyArgonianMana,
@LustyArgonianMana@lemmy.world avatar

Women are not meat-based artwork that you own for the sake of looking at them. That’s not what marriage is.

klemptor,
@klemptor@startrek.website avatar

Thank you!! He married a human being, not a fucking haircut, and he should be embarrassed to be so shallow. Some of the comments in this thread are unreal.

LustyArgonianMana,
@LustyArgonianMana@lemmy.world avatar

www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5AB0C5/

Women are six times more likely to end up separated or divorced if they are diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis than if their male partners were facing the same illness, according to a U.S. study.

The empathy gap is huge.

Maalus,

Cool, but let’s not act as if being attractive isn’t high on the list for a lot of people. We aren’t living in a society where that’s no longer the case. That’s why models still have a job, and why actors are incredibly attractive, and hell, why barbers exist and the entire beauty industry does. Nobody would go to plastic surgery if it didn’t impact people around them. Even politicians get work done on them constantly.

LustyArgonianMana,
@LustyArgonianMana@lemmy.world avatar

I’m going to be super super real with you right now. Men who demand very specific looks for their women are either 1) projecting their own womanhood, who they’d be as a woman onto their partner or 2) using their partner to be near other men. It has nothing to do with the woman’s attractiveness, barring serious disfigurement.

A simple haircut, outfit, or makeup look being enough to make someone “unattracted” to you, shows that it was about you being their doll from the beginning. OP should buy a wig and wear long hair for himself if he likes it so much. He seems to be projecting being trans onto his wife who stated they are agender.

In essence, you are either gay or a woman yourself at some level (lesbian or not), if you are demanding specific looks to consider your partner “attractive.” This is why most lesbian relationships allow for women to look different btw, because both women are allowed to freely express their genders and don’t have to be a performative doll for a man - who has no clue what it’s like to live as a woman! And he should! Go! Be women! Wear skirts and wigs and do it. Go to Portland and no one will even notice or care. And stop putting your demands on us women.

Maalus,

Yeah okay, whatever you say and believe.

InEnduringGrowStrong,
@InEnduringGrowStrong@sh.itjust.works avatar

You’re both going through depression and that’s rough on its own.

I love my wife’s long hair, but idk, I love her more than I do her hair.
If she buzz cuts it, or ever gets cancer and loses it, or, whatever happens really, I can’t really see my feelings for her changing over this.

I’m not judging here, I’m saying there’s probably more to this than just the hair itself?

I can’t know if it’s about other changes related to your depressions, coping with agender-ness, attraction, control, or whatever, but I think none of us here is really equipped to help you out.
Not that I don’t want to help, but you’re probably better off seeking professional help.

Now, whether that’s a solo psychologist or couples therapy, be mindful of choosing a practitioner that’s friendly to the agender and trans people.
I imagine it would suck for your wife to get shoved into a religious zealot’s trad-wife conversion therapy.

I’m a dude with long hair who’s not shy of either my masculine nor feminine side and I’d be pretty bummed if my wife told be she hated how I look and signed me up for boot camp so they buzz cut my hair.

Feels like the hair is the tip of the iceberg here.
Good luck to you both.

HubertManne,
HubertManne avatar

I think losing it to cancer would be way different. I think the thing here is she apparently is ok not looking attractive to her husband. So the apperance is one thing but its more that she chose to do it despite his feelings.

AA5B,

No, I’d also be uncomfortable if my significant other suddenly wanted a buzz cut. Sure, she could be just trying something different and it can be hot/edgy, but it’s more likely symbolic of something deeper. Maybe I’m shallow or would be reading too much into it, but I’d strongly believe there was some underlying issue, maybe she’s just realizing about herself, that may not be compatible with what I’m looking for. It’s most likely not just a hair choice

dumples,
dumples avatar

As mentioned below it seems likely this is caused by the depression. It seems like both are you are overwhelmed and under intense pressure her especially. Its time for both of you to prioritize your mental health. Go to therapy (couples or individual), get time away from the kids together and / or apart so that you can do something you enjoy. Neither of you can be your best for the rest of the family without taking some time or energy to help yourself. Take on some of the burden so your wife can have some time off from the kids. She should do the same for you. Ask for help so someone else watches the kids and relax together.

Grinning,

Couples therapy my man. Someone that is trans friendly. You’re both fighting depression and that’s valid but can ruin a relationship, believe me it ruined mine. At couples therapy we found that the issues that were forefront in our brain (ie, hair) weren’t the fundamental issues.

brygphilomena,

Depression is a major issue that your wife will need to address. The haircut is probably just how it’s physically manifesting.

This is going to be a challenge in your relationship, but get over the hair and focus on your wife’s mental health. Be there to support her and try to get to the root of the depression. That probably means therapy and possibly medication. You’ll probably want to also get couples therapy to help explore new ways that you and your wife can work together and support each other.

You might be having issues feeling attraction because her personality is changing from her depression. It’s not just the hair, that’s just what you’re able to see and pinpoint.

This is your opportunity to step up and take care of your wife when she needs it.

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