Cop Annoyed At Assumption That All Police Officers Are As Bad As Him (www.theonion.com)
Knife-Wielding Doctors Roam Country Searching For Teens To Force To Be Trans (www.theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—Warning citizens of a rising threat to the nation’s youth, U.S. officials cautioned Tuesday that knife-wielding doctors were roaming the country in search of adolescent children they could force to be trans. “Across America, parents are watching helplessly as trained surgeons compel their sons to become...
Brave! This Woman Is Still in the Right Lane Even Though She Has to Turn Left in Ten Miles (reductress.com)
The headline is the whole joke.
Grandmother’s Sudden Death Forces Parents To Explain To Children What Happens When You Snitch (www.theonion.com)
Nice! Government Finally Makes Tampons Free but Only the Light Ones (reductress.com)
You’ve reached the Print Edition. The headline is the whole joke.
Perdue Pledges To Plant One Chicken For Every Chicken Sold (www.theonion.com)
SALISBURY, MD—Saying the company maintained a strong commitment to sustainable agricultural practices, poultry processing conglomerate Perdue Farms pledged Tuesday to plant one chicken for every chicken it sold. “As part of our broader efforts to be thoughtful, responsible stewards of our planet’s natural resources, I’m...
Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla To Buy Beer For Underage Teens (www.theonion.com)
How to Walk With as Much Confidence as Your Cat Walking Across Your Keyboard (reductress.com)
Christians Explain Why Jesus Was Too Liberal (www.theonion.com)
Britain Battles Heat Wave By Turning Up London Eye To Highest Setting (www.theonion.com)
Republican Presidential Candidates Undergo Mandatory Genital Checks Ahead Of First Debate (www.theonion.com)
Ground includes The Onion's "American Voices" in its news aggregator (lemmy.world)
Link to The Onion article:...
Trump Supporters Explain Why They Doxxed Grand Jurors (www.theonion.com)
Vegas-Area Pawn Shop Celebrates Being 6 Weeks Away From Owning Stanley Cup (www.theonion.com)
New Twitter Homepage Features Photo Of Erect Penis That Is Impossible To Close Out Of (www.theonion.com)
Silicon Valley Investors Tout Man Who Shows Up To Steal One Of Your Bones As New Tech Innovation (www.theonion.com)
‘I Have Fewer Than Two Drinks a Week,’ Says Woman at Doctor Describing Water Consumption (reductress.com)
In a story emerging from an ear, nose, and throat doctor’s office in Austin, TX, 24-year-old Dina Thompson has decided to be honest and tell her doctor that she has fewer than two drinks a week....
How to Be Effortlessly Chill Even Though You’ll Never Be a Bossa Nova Song (reductress.com)
Everyone wants to be That Girl – cool, calm, collected without ever trying too hard to be cool, calm, or collected. But nobody is as laid-back and effortlessly cool as a bossa nova song playing in a hotel lobby on a warm summer’s day: the ultimate definition of smooth and self-assured. If you’ve ever been in an elevator or...