Grandfather’s Eyes Light Up While Describing Memories Of Old Country Buffet (www.theonion.com)
CEO Relieved AI Can Never Replace Him If He Already Contributes Nothing To Company (www.theonion.com)
Cult Leader Not Even Charismatic (www.theonion.com)
Senate Passes Emergency Border Funding To Prevent Female Leadership From Spreading To U.S. (www.theonion.com)
Jimmy Carter Becomes Second President Convicted Of Felony For Sticking Up Waffle House (www.theonion.com)
Nation Shrugs After Hearing Trump Guilty Verdict, Unpauses ‘MILF Manor’ (www.theonion.com)
U.S. Army Recruiter Has Bound, Gagged Civilian That Teen Can Shoot Right Now If He Enlists (www.theonion.com)
Samuel Alito: ‘I Tried To Take The Flag Down, But My Wife Hit Me. She Hits Me Every Night’ (www.theonion.com)
Biden, Trump Die 2 Minutes Apart Holding Hands (www.theonion.com)
So-Called Trad Wife Wasn’t Even Kidnapped From Village By Rival Viking Clan (www.theonion.com)
CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years (www.theonion.com)
It’s an older article, sir, but it checks out.
Biden Bounces Back In Polls As Americans Notice Netflix Added A Few Good Shows Recently (www.theonion.com)
CEO Warns That No Student Involved In Protests Will Ever Be Hired At Genocide Inc. (www.theonion.com)
Report: School Shootings Either Way Down Or Too Depressing For Media To Cover (www.theonion.com)
Shedding light on the possible reasons for a dip in such news coverage, a report released Friday found that school shootings were either way down or too depressing for the media to cover. “Really, there are two possibilities here: It could be that there’s been some remarkable progress on getting guns out of the hands of...