Hello everyone! Single Dad life is tough, but can be incredibly fulfilling. While we start to see more of a presence over here, this introduction thread will be used to introduce yourself and get to know others participating here.
Hello! Online I go by Magnus. I participated frequently under a different name in r/SingleDads. I have a bachelor's in Psychology with an emphasis on child development. After undergrad, I went to law school and now work primarily as a family lawyer. I'll share my story.
My ex-wife and I met in college and married. We had a fantastic marriage for the most part. We never yelled. We rarely fought. We were usually on the same page. She gave birth to our first child while I was in law school and she was finishing her bachelor's. It was a lot of work to care for a young child, work, and go to school at the same time, but I wouldn't change that time for the world. I cherish my times feeding the baby at 3:00am while listening to podcasts, watching awful movies, or just sitting and staring at each other in silence.
I got a job working for the courts right out of law school which required us to move where our second child was born. At this time, my ex expressed a desire to continue her education and become a doctor. She attended a local community college to obtain the final necessary credits to apply for medical schools. The jobs as staff attorneys with the courts are typically term positions that expire to give other fresh graduates a chance to work in the same positions, so we left after three years and I entered private practice. At the same time, my wife was applying to medical schools.
I worked for about a year while my wife interviewed and traveled to various schools around the country. She was accepted to a school she was excited about, but required us to move several thousand miles away. We decided that I would stay behind, take care of the kids, settle my practice, and sell the home while she went ahead first while taking what she needed and rented a room from another student for a few months.
I got a full-price offer on the home after only a few days of listing. Communication with my ex was great for the first week or so, but it gradually became less and less. She blamed it on the rigors of starting medical school, which I accepted as I'm sure it was difficult. One day she didn't respond to any texts and it went to voicemail when I attempted our usual nightly call. It hurt and that hurt still hasn't fully gone away three years later. Eventually, she called and talked to me one day, saying that she didn't want to be a wife or mother anymore. She told me not to follow her. She told me she'd been feeling it for a while and that now she had a chance to live the life she felt she missed out on because she was a mother. She didn't talk to the kids for several months, even with me attempting to initiate communication for the sake of my children. She would only come to me when she needed emotional support or money. If you have a little voice in the back of your head suggesting that more was going on than I'm disclosing, I'll just say that those of you that know... you know. (It's not important if you don't understand what I'm saying, and I won't discuss it any further than that.)
I tried to make things work for a long time but with no success. Every time it seemed like I was pulling away, she would work harder to make it work--but she didn't try at all if it seemed like I was still there for her to fall back on. If you're in a similar situation, my recommendation would be to save yourself the time and file for divorce a lot sooner than I did.
Regardless, I was left with a home closing in a month, no place to live, no clients, and a mostly sparse bank account.
Fortunately, I do have a lot of family. I moved a few hours away back to my hometown. My sister allowed us to live in her home for about a year while I got my feet back on the ground. Every day, I had to force myself out of bed. That time in my life is a blur. I joined a firm with a bunch of like-minded younger fathers where I still work and was able to purchase a new home for myself and my children. I filed for divorce and had a decree about a year and a half later. It was amicable and we agreed on the terms.
Also during this time, my ex woke up. She started realizing the mistake she made, but it was too late on my part. Fortunately, she calls the kids every day. I would let her come and stay at my house in between sessions of school while I stayed with family, which happened every other month or so. She tried to make it in for all the important events. She now is more settled and the kids just spent a week at her house for the first time. We're hoping when she's done with school that she can move closer to the kids so that they can see us both an equal amount of time. I think that's best for all of us.
As far as me, I met a lovely woman who is also a single parent with kids about the same ages as mine. We live about a seven hour drive from each other, so the long distance hasn't been super fun, but it's manageable. We were recently married, although we're still living apart while I save up money to build onto her home so my kids can have their own space when we get over there.
It took a lot of time and effort to get here. I still know there's a ways to go. I've overcome most of my mental and emotional demons and am succeeding at raising my children and at work more than I ever have in my life (though my house is usually a mess--part of that is because my home is regarded as a fun place in the neighborhood where any kid can come, grab a snack, feel at home--judgement free, and play).
I hope to be a resource to this community and help others that are going through similar challenges. I recognize that I am fortunate in that I'm in the rare position of having a lot of control over my children whereas many of you have long-drawn-out court battles which result in minimal custody. I feel for you and wish you the best as you navigate through things. I try to be the kind of co-parent to my ex that I wish your ex-partners would be to you, and I hope that the ex-partners that are difficult eventually recognize the great value you provide in the children's' lives as a father.
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