Why shouldn't you talk to Pi at a party?
Because it goes on forever…
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the submarine in that song green. That would’ve been sublime.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What should you do if you see a spaceman?
You park in it, man
My neighbor is too scared to grow an apple tree.
So I told him to grow a pear.
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.
My son asked me to explain what a solar eclipse is? I said no son.
Nothing is private on a farm. All the corn have ears.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
They asked me what my dream job was. I said getting paid to sleep.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
Unboxing an Apple product is like a revelation.
It’s iOpening
A group of dolphins is called a pod, and a group of falcons is called a cast. So, if you ever watch the Miami Dolphins play the Atlanta Falcons, technically, you’re watching a pod-cast.
I designed a grill that makes violin shaped sandwiches. It's called the Paganini press.
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable
A triangle is never a round when you need one
I used to be a standup comedian…
now my desk job is something I chair-ish
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.
How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just 1...