Monk is a smooth brain.

be me, at Rogue’s wedding

DM is RPing Rogue’s new wife being pleasantly surprised with her childhood pet

Said pet is a house sized spider that only eats men, but likes orphan boys best

Spider gets visibly excited at the words “man” and “orphan”, starts boggling and bruxing like a rat

the newlywed bride says her precious pet hasn’t been fed in a week

I head out to find an orphan (I think i know where we left some)

Monk: “I’m going to pet the weird doggy”

Be me, out of game: “WTF?”

monk player suggests making an animal handling roll

DM points out this is a flat roll for him; he doesn’t have Animal Handling

he rolls a 5

Rogue asks his new wife nicely to spare his friend

bride tells her spider to save him as a snack for later

Spider hangs him from the ceiling

A ceiling of webs

webs woven by her family’s spiders

which notice him

snack time!

Monk makes athletics roll (he had a modifier to this one), lands on an in-law’s table

Monk is also getting married btw, he landed in his new bride’s cousin’s soup

said cousin is part of a powerful merchant family

I return with two orphans

monk’s new in-laws are horrified as Rogue’s bride chops up the orphans and feeds them to her precious bebby