**A Poem by Tillaniso**

NOT ABOUT IT

No, it’s not depression,
Depression is a way of life.
Am I living?
And you?
I’m standing at the edge of my own life and watching

(It’s good to stand on the sidelines)
I’m on the edge and watching:
I’m a prostitute,
who trembles at night in the lap of others
To forget it all.

Giving myself to intoxication,
I forget.
And I can’t remember anything
in the morning.
I don’t remember, for example,
My own two kids,

Who never miss me at night,
Calling me mother.
I do the washing in the morning.
I do the washing when I wake up.
I need to do the washing

Or forget.
It was a Ramadan Night
(It’s hard to live at night)
While watching a soap opera
I cried for my kids.

Never again…
I’m a prostitute
Lying on other laps at night
And doing the washing during the day,
I stand on the sidelines

Watching my own life.
It’s good to be on the sidelines.
I’m on the edge of my life.
I’m a masochist.
Like the hero of Yelinek,

I cut my own chest with a piece of glass,
So that I satisfy my imagination about love.
When my lovers leave me sometimes
(I never loved them)
I stab myself a little above my heart.

Sense is dead. Feeling doesn’t exist.
Do not be afraid, it doesn’t hurt.
Don’t take it seriously.
It’s not dreadful.
It’s just the sprouting of a grass,

A couple of rain
and fire which goes to the reeds.
Don’t get serious, I hate those who get serious
People in our company
Are too serious about

Warnings,
A Boss
And orders.
They take life routines seriously,
However they can never see
Higher routines.

The routine of the universe.
The routine of flowers.
The routine of the road.
The routine of rain,
and water.
Look from the outside.

I’m a prostitute.
I’ve learned to live without waiting.
Don’t take it seriously, oh my dear.
“Do yourself a favour”
(Someone said these words to me)
Stay a little further away from yourself!

I’m a prostitute
Sometimes I want to destroy myself.
Sometimes I need to completely ruin my own damaged life.
I’m standing at the edge of life

And I watch,
And I still love
Water,
Rain,
A tiny child’s first words and
The chirping of sparrows.

(date unknown, translated by shokhrukh usmonov?)

source: https://www.new-east-archive.org/articles/show/12544/young-uzbek-poets-poems

tillaniso (b. 1993), also known as tillaniso nuryoghdi, is a contemporary uzbek poet from the bukhara region which is one of the most important cultural hotspots in central asia