Yeah it sucks having ADHD. Or more to the point, it sucks fucking up all the time. Totally get it.
There are times (rarer lately) that I have goofed multiple times on top of feeling down on myself and feel like I can’t do anything right. That is the worst. You likely know exactly what that’s like right? Ugh. Hate it.
I probably say sorry more than average. You know the other thing I realize? I don’t really trust myself. If someone calls out something, my first assumption is always “I fucked up” even if I didn’t. I mean yeah, I do goof up all the time. But it is hard to be confident and assured. Likely that comes across at work especially. I guess it makes me more likely to be open to being wrong, and therefore more used to updating my beliefs based on evidence. That’s a plus. But being timid, uncertain of myself, always doubting has definitely bitten me in the butt. You run into that?
I also struggle to know what I must be like to people. When I’m down I am pretty sure I’m incredibly annoying and sound like a total moron and obviously odd and repulsive (like, uncanny valley type shit). I assume that is why I have almost no friends. (In reality I have friends but am so anxious about pissing em off or annoying them or not being in touch that I don’t do well staying in touch…ah, the irony).
And of course I am also pretty detached and guarded because of the whole rejection sensitivity thing.
And never really feel it is acceptable or ok to really be fully myself. Say nothing, box up feelings, tamp down my affect flat as can be, kill enthusiasm because any excitement is too much. Normal to me is too freak-o for everyone truly normal. I don’t get to be me because nobody could fucking stand it. Probably not even me. Anyway I am sure we can all relate to some degree.
It’s an absolute fucking curse, this goddamned disorder.