Goodness, it sounds like you’ve been going through a lot. Do you feel burnt out? I used to think “burnt out” meant tired, but then I learned it has other symptoms, like being cynical, feeling helpless, diminished creativity, an inability to embrace complexity, and a sense that you can never do enough. Then I was like “OH, I’m really burnt out and have been for a while, I need a break.”
And I totally get that life doesn’t necessarily give us breaks, but all of this is just to say, try to be gentle with yourself. It’s OK if you can’t be your 100% right now. No one would be able to if they were in your shoes. Here’s to things getting better!