I had a read of this and I now sincerely apologize. I don’t think you’re trolling. I think you’re struggling with something that would best be addressed in a quiet setting with a professional. I’m not trying to rile you up. I’ve personally gained a lot of QOL upgrades from talking to a psychologist in the past.
These thoughts might have a basis in reality, but the way your brain is dealing with and amplifying them is not normal or healthy.