I tried writing a post explaining why, but it's just too much, and too many personal details and having to explain things going years back, it's just to much....
I suppose all you can do is what you can do and that’s about it
this really hit me like a punch in the stomach. I'm so limited by what I am and am not able to do, but I'm trying my fucking hardest just not to sink every day and not give up hope, but things are coming to a head now and the hope is getting smaller and smaller and however this end I don't come out unscathed, I'm already deep in PTSD land and this is pulling up so much shit from the past, and in any case there's at least one move ahead of me which in itself is a traumatic and exhausting experience even if it goes smoothly, and just liike you say, you never get the chance to deal with the trauma before more starts, and this cycle is just so fucking vicious.
I appreciate the validation, it helps to know this shit is damaging for real and I'm not just some oversensitive brat like I feel.
Thank you, and yeah sometimes things just fucking suck and there's nothing to say that'll change that, so I appreciate the no empty platitude, they don't help much do they...
Faith has never been a strong point of mine (I have this reflexive "cling to hope to remain alive" thing going on, but when I actively think about it I don't see wher I'm getting that from), but I do have a pet I love that gets me up in the morning, but in recent times even that relationship has been tested as my mental health declines and I have made several attempts unrelated to the housing situation, so yeah, all it would take is slight breeze to push me over the edge and I'm staring at a storm rolling in.
I really do appreciate the sympathetic ear, it's much easier to discuss these things with strangers, and especially strangers who have been through similar things. Those on the outside of the world of trauma and mental and other illness just don't understand, and the constant having to justify myself and my actions and my choices on top of everything else just takes so much more energy, but it's just part of this world where you have to prove your "worth" and suck up to those with the means for survival to get limited access to them at massive cost. The deeper I think about it the angrier I get, which for a while is a good bit of dissociation because big picture is less personal than little picture, but then shit hits the fan and there's nowhere to hide and I can't see a way out.
I hate so much that I'm right back in this place, I just want to exist in peace somewhere, not have to go through hell (and so far, back) just to.. what? have to do it again in a couple of years? It's exhausting.
It's the next morning and the numbness has mostly set in, I predict much dissociation going forward, I honestly don't know how this week is going to end, let alone what happens next, but if I stop to think about it I will fall apart, so I'm just trying to stick to my routine, which seems absurd, but I can't manage anything else.
But everything you've said is true (though I'd take an ignorant life over a hard but insightful life any day, if I was given a choice), and while right now I can barely help myself, let alone anyone else, this kind of experience does put us in a place to help others later on, just like you've helped me here. Only if we survive it though, and that's the tricky part.
You haven't hurt me at all! Thank you for sharing some of your experience, that sounds rough, but also somewhat familiar (I was kicked out at 19, and only just last night made the realisation that a secure home has never been something I could count on, which is a really crappy realisation to reach). It's also good to hear how your faith has helped you, we don't have to believe the same things for me to be able to appreciate that it provides you relief and comfort.
I also appreciate your suggestions, and yes, I have been looking all over for help, the thing is it isn't lack of money that is my issue, I get full disability benefits from the state, enough to maintain myself, I'm getting evicted because the house I rent is getting sold but I still haven't found anywhere suitable to go instead and if I don't leave by next week I will be forced out, so finding help is a bit more of an ask when it's a place to live I need, rather than food or money (and my disability makes that more complicated too because I can't just couch surf, and living in a hostel type place like I did the last times I was homeless was so traumatic, I don't know that I could handle it again). I'm also Jewish, so I'm not sure asking any church for help would do much haha. I have had tremendous help from the Jewish community in the past though, and if it was a money issue, they would have definitely helped like they have before.
I'm waiting to hear back from the person who's helping me on the legal front about what options I have left, and also from a couple of places to rent that would suit me that I saw today, but I'm wary of getting my hopes up for anything because so far I've ended up disappointed every time.
Also, you taking the time to chat with me here is a big help in itself, it might not be practical as such, but it is somewhat helping me stay focused on just today which is probably the best thing for me right now.
I'm really really hoping to get some good news about this place I applied for tomorrow, because the rest of the news I got today has been all bad and I'm running out of time fast before I get dragged out of here and thrown on the street. The only thing I can think is that I just can't go through all that again. I just can't. I won't.
No good news yet. Not heard back from any of the places I've applied to but have applied for another.
There also seems to have been some fuck up on the court case front, so everything is being fast tracked, and I'm not even sure a defence was put in on my behalf by the people I trusted to take care of it, so I'm not quite sure what to do next (only real option is to hire a lawyer and try to fight it myself but I don't know that I have the spare time and resources for that, I need to focus on finding a place and moving out in time).
I did make a call to a housing charity to try and figure out how much time I actually had before a full blown eviction, which I thought might be as soon as next week, but it will be at least 2 weeks more, so the panic that started this whole thread was justified, but I do have a tiny bit longer than I thought I did, so I might still be able to claw my way out of this, but only just.
I really appreciate the supportive words but I won't lie, it's a struggle every minute, but I don't want to end it all over this bullshit, but also I do know my limits and that if I'm pushed past a certain point, I just won't be able to fight anymore, and that in itself adds so much distress to an already distressing situation.
But as you say, it's almost like there is no choice but to fight, so you fight.
I just heard back about the house I applied for yesterday and I've been turned down which really sucks, and I don't want to jinx it, but the house I applied for today is a better fit, so I'm keeping everything crossed while trying not to get any hopes up in case it's another no.
Having this space to just let this all out without feeling like I'm burdening anyone has helped a lot too, so thank you for taking the time to hear me.
That was a tough read, and I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, those kinds of experiences never really leave you and shape how you see humanity, don't they.. It sounds like you're in a better situation now though, I hope that's the case. I've had bad interactions with cops myself, it can be terrifying, but also you know that if they wanted to they could end you, and you're so low (because you're already having a mental health crisis, and the cops should never be there to deal with that to begin with) that you actually wouldn't care.
But you did get me to chuckle at the end there, though I will admit I was expecting it to be a place to park their bikes lol.
On a more serious note though, this
Our lives are precious but we’re disposable to those who do all kinds of evil.
really sums it up perfectly - there is only so much we can do when there are people out there with the will and power to harm us, the best we can do is try to go on despite that and do our best possible to avoid them.
So far I'm still dodging my evil landlord and the courts that seem to be siding with him, but no new developments, so still no solution as it stands. But I keep taking one day at a time, and trying not to sink in to despair quite just yet.
I'm sorry for dropping off for a bit, there were no updates and I was slowly losing it, and trying my best to focus on other things.
today though I've had a small positive update which is a viewing for a house that would really suit me and is near my supportive friends but is also a long and difficult journey away (8 hours each way by train and cab for a person who spends 22 hours a day in bed is rough) but if I get it it would really make a big difference.
I am not the only candidate though, so I don't want to get my hopes too high.
Hopefully by mid next week I will know how it went.
I appreciate the kind thoughts, sadly they weren't enough to give me the luck I need and after 36 hours of almost straight up traveling there and back (including missing a train and being stranded for the night) I found out as I was making my way back that I didn't get the house. I'm completely shattered and out a whole load of money and it was all for nothing.
I'm still waiting to hear back on a couple more places and will keep trying, but I'm running out of time fast and the despair and panic are really starting to set in. I'm really not sure how this is all going to turn out.
I'll be honest, I feel like doing exactly what you've described, I've called about a few more places and got nothing, it's looking really bleak and I don't know how long I can keep pushing on auto pilot like I have been before it all finally catch up on me and crashes me to the ground.
I really don't know what to do anymore.
I'm not ok
I tried writing a post explaining why, but it's just too much, and too many personal details and having to explain things going years back, it's just to much....