@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

jackdaw_ruiz

@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style

he/him.

crumbs and carrots, the stone is doomed!

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ray, to random

the spice girls Wannabe music video opens with them harrassing homeless people wtf

jackdaw_ruiz,
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

@ray

to think we were surprised when they were like "you know who had girl power? Margaret Thatcher!"

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
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I posted about quoting that knzk Obama line "hell no I'm not registered to vote" and woke up to an Australian and a Swedish guy my menchies going back forth with each other about how it takes compulsory/automatic registration to make a TRUE democracy. 😒

ray, to random

leaving Two Spoons of matcha ice cream left in this carton because i just cant do it

jackdaw_ruiz,
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

@ray

the reality of this situation is that the feeling of being ice cream bloated tonight like "uhhh why did I do that" is less of a detriment than wanting that ice cream on another night and only having two spoons worth taunting you.

and when I say the reality I mean my subjective experience but like, tomato tomato.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

it's so goofy how over on Twitter or other large social media there can be a bad post, and it is totally random if the hooting mob commenting below is a all going "this shit is regressive and wrong and shouldn't happen" or if they're all posting stuff like "it's her fault for going outside while being a woman -- play stupid games and find out!"

jackdaw_ruiz,
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you can post the same video of a random person being slapped, devoid of any other context, and it's an absolute pachinko ball drop whether the crowd that assembles will decry the crass and senseless violence that fills all the cracks and gaps of modern society, or if they will convene like a panel of jurors and conclude "the vibe from that slap indicates the person deserved it... probably needs to be hit harder, if anything."

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
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y'all probably don't remember this,

but remember a decade ago when some hedge fund executed a hostile takeover on Olive Garden's corporate leadership, and their opening salvo was a scathing 294 (!) page white paper / powerpoint about how incredibly shitty Olive Garden was??

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

turban sage... get real. grow up.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

Open submission call: what post or thread should I frame and put on the wall in my guest bathroom?

edit: thread's closed. I'm just gonna board up that bathroom, nobody can use it now.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
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time for a confession: i stole a prototype of the CIA ennui beam and have been parked outside your place every night for months with that fucker dialed up.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

mmhmm yes, that's interesting. full-disclosure: I was not paying attention. instead, I was imagining an A24 distributed biopic of Smash Mouth titled Walking on the Sun.

jackdaw_ruiz,
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

you KNOW the trailer opens with a reverby "somebody once told me..." and a single melancholy key struck on the piano.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

imagining a website where you go to make an account and the password field is a drop-down menu without about two dozen pre-existing options to choose from.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

I think a good artificial noise for electric cars to generate, so they are audible enough for pedestrians and others to be aware of them nearby, would be the synths from Darude's Sandstorm.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

"the fruit of crime, she is ahhhh' impossibly sweet," I declare while taking a bite into a whole raw organic onion that I purchased as a regular onion at the grocery store self-checkout, saving $0.12 in onion lucre.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

my favorite sentence that uses every letter in the english alphabet? that's right. it's:

satisfy my desire quickly, money plane janitor

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

tooo be fair Joe Biden only got into federal government a mere 51 years ago and spent a scant 8 years as the number two position in the executive branch, so you can see how he was ill-prepared to understand the unpredictable and relatively recent issue of conflict in the levant.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
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slathering CPU thermal paste on my junk and whistling to call over the Boston Dynamics robot dog.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

concerning last boost, he said to please share and look you are enjoying the whole combination here. german. kinky. looks like that. it's like a line across and a line vertically on a fediverse bingo card.

jackdaw_ruiz,
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if you can't find an erotic cellist in the Berlin area on this website what the fuck was the point of it all?

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

when Nirvana was recording a followup to Nevermind, and were essentially the undisputed biggest band in the world, they reached out to Steve Albini and he responded with a letter about his demands and conditions that they would have to accept before he'd agree to get in the studio with them. he proceeded to record the album In Utero, and refused to take any royalties from an album guaranteed to make a bazillion dollars because he believed once the album was recorded, his work was done.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

the fact that the RFK jr. brain worm news story comes out of a deposition transcript from his divorce really underlines how there is no finer entertainment on god's green earth than family law case files.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

"come get a helping of oblique, absurd, and wacky shitposts! enjoy how ridiculous they are!"

. . . i say while reaching into a burlap sack labeled:

𝗠𝗬 𝗔𝗖𝗧𝗨𝗔𝗟 𝗢𝗣𝗜𝗡𝗜𝗢𝗡𝗦

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

whenever I close my eyes a whole ass metroidvania map of my life shows up. if we're hanging out and I do a big sigh and scrunch my eyes, I'm just looking for a fast travel spot to go home.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

me, sweating nervously: uhhhhh I have information that will lead to the exoneration of The Boeing Company.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

my work productivity has been decimated by this facebook group with photos of incredibly fucked stairs.

jackdaw_ruiz,
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

there are groverhauses everywhere, for those with eyes to see them. 😌

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