jokes

His pants fit like a glove!

There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a...

Genie: There are 3 rules… no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing back dead people....

“I don’t always oppress my citizens, but when I do, I make sure they know who’s boss.”...

“Wait! I can explain everything!”

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English....

Saint Peter looks over the three men and sighs, gently shaking his head. “Look, we’re doing some renovations in there at the moment, so we can’t accept too many people at once. We can take one of you, so… Whoever had the most tragic death, you get to go in first. Sound good?”...

Thankfully, they’re both decent enough people for them to wind up in heaven. Hand in hand, the pair walk up to Saint Peter, stood by the pearly gates, and ask him “is it possible for us to get married in heaven?”...

An astro-not.

The idea is that, when he goes out on the town and winds up drunk, his shoes can intelligently walk him home without him getting lost. The only problem was that the shoes were too smart, and wanted to see more of the world than just the road between the pub and his house. Every so often, he’d sober up and find himself on a...

They have little anty bodies

A bear walks into a bar, and approaches the bartender....

A pirate walks into a bar, with a large steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. As he approaches the bartender, he is met with bewildered stares....

The officer brings Joe into the room and says “I’m afraid his face was heavily damaged in the attack. We’ve done our best using dental records, but we need you to help confirm his identity.”...

the third one ducks

completely surrounded by indians threatening with bows and arrows... many, also on horseback. the ranger eyes the foreboding army in a complete 360 and asks, "well, what do you think we should do"...

Like there were red flags everywhere

A man enters a shop he had never seen before, littered with strange oddities on every single shelf. On one shelf was a monkey’s paw, and another housed a strange puzzle box. What caught the eye was a strangely beautiful statue of a rat, small enough to fit into a person’s hand comfortably....

Does that make me ricist?

Suddenly, he finds himself incredibly thirsty, and without any tea or water on his person. Since he’s already slumming it, he heads to a nearby stream and starts cupping water into his mouth....

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock....

Having painted before, they realize that their habits are going probably going to get paint all over them. Being good friends without many other clothes, they figure they’ll have a laugh and paint in the nude....

A stick.