I want to write about kindness and paranoia. Hopefully it might resonate with someone or help. Or maybe someone can help me.
I want to be a kinder person but I really struggle with it.
I have day to day paranoia. It is by far the worst mental health problem I have (apart from when I had psychosis but that hasn’t returned thank god).
I think people are being nasty to me, that they have “got it in for me” and want to hurt me or my family in some way. If I’m around groups of people talking I think they are trying to infect me with their thoughts. Especially people I don’t know. Especially people with strong opinions.
This, in turn, makes it had for me to be kind. If my paranoia is triggered I can be quite nasty to people which is horrible and it also feels horrible for me. I end up not knowing who I am and it can take days to come back to myself. My thoughts are incredibly out of shape and irrational. It can end up with me being very self destructive.
I am not sure if this is due to my autism or not. I think in part it must be because it's all about being overwhelmed by thoughts.
I have tried to confront kindness head on by setting up my own Printmaker’s Chat server but it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried leaving nice comments on Instagram but end up feeling horrible.
I know what I need to do is say to myself “is what I’m about to say kind?” but it’s very hard. Once I’m triggered I feel like I need to get into a hole for a few days and avoid everyone. I know I should be practising CBT but it has never worked.
If you have any suggestions at all to break the cycle I’d welcome them.