I’m angry. All the time. Just below the surface, boiling away, waiting to spill over onto the first person who looks at me wrong. And the next person. And the next person…
The VA is next to useless. After 8 years of begging to reevaluate my diagnosis of MDD, during a hospitalization they finally agreed to start me on Lithium. It was an enormous improvement, but now I have this… rage. Some anxiety and a touch of paranoia, too. But mostly rage. I find grievances everywhere now. I only realize i’m not being “reasonable” in retrospect. I used to be kind, empathetic, respectful. Now I’m an angry dickhead with a chip on his shoulder. I can think more clearly now, but what good is that if nobody wants to fucking talk to me?
I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m angry.
Why can’t I have the “fun” mania?
Edit: who the fuck would downvote a post like this? Somehow I’m the asshole for finding grievance with that.
Nope I’m pissed about the downvote too. I get the rage, I have been dealing that and we’ve been tweaking my meds for a few months now. I’ve gotten snippy at work with my boss the last month, especially Friday. Like fireable rage I said NO to her. Oops. I’m sorry you are having such a problem with the VA. The one here is phenomenal which my dad goes to, but I have read horror stories about others especially with mental health. That’s not right. I don’t get the fun mania either, it’s all rage. Lost my last marriage because of it (undiagnosed therefore self medicated)
I was self-medicating with cannabis for a long time… oh, watch out for giving your location away like that, you could accidentally dox yourself.
My fiance left me 6 years ago now. She couldn’t take it anymore. Looking back at my behavior, I can’t possibly blame her. The goddamndest thing about it is how I turned my life around practically overnight with lithium. if I had just had the right diagnosis and treatment, maybe… It’s hard to think about. Not mentally hard, but emotionally painful. Like, bad. Like “I never want to put myself in the position to be rejected like that again” bad. Even though I’ve been spending every moment since my diagnosis improving myself, correcting bad habits, etc. it’s like I’m doing it for nothing, because I’m afraid of that rejection I will never put myself out there. I haven’t gotten myself physically fit because, in my mind, making myself attractive might lead somewhere potentially painful. It’s very unhealthy, and with a revolving door of psychologists (few of whom, frankly, are even competent to begin with) leaving, I can’t actually get the help I need to break through on these issues. Seriously, this office has turnover like a college restaurant. I can attest: mental health in the VA sucks. To be fair, every physical complaint I’ve had handled through the VA has been just fine, literally no issues there. Unfortunately, it’s my brain that’s fucked up, so
Geodon changed my life in less than 48 hours. It’s amazing what can be done with the correct diagnosis. Be aware that lots of mental health meds cause weight gain… I’ve been struggling the last six months especially trying to lose and it refuses to come off. My therapist says isn’t my stability worth more than my weight? And she’s right. Ugh.
I was extremely hesitant to try lithium in the first place because it was labelled as an antipsychotic. “I’m not psychotic!” yes. yes I was. I was also hesitant because of the whole “kidney toxicity” and “non-insulin diabetes” and “liver toxicity,” but yeah eventually I had to agree with your doc’s line of reasoning too.
My therapist thinks I’m bipolar. Before I saw her my pcp had me on Lexapro. I changed overtime in a similar way. I started drinking regularly and heavily. Spent the night in jail… Ended up tapering off Lexapro without talking to the doc about it. And I am much calmer. My therapist told me that with bipolar ssris have a tendency to make it worse. I had thought the Lexapro was working in the begining but idk… It just put me in the fucked up state of willing to fight over anything. And it all falls apart because then people start hating you.
My experience with escitalopram was it didn’t make me worse, but sure as hell didn’t make me any better either. As far as I can tell, except for the time I was stoned (which was as much time as I could manage), I was effectively unmedicated for those years.
I’m diagnosed and medicated, but struggling a lot with discerning what is a valid, real paranoia vs something entirely constructed in my head. I’m dealing with issues related to getting good sleep and taking steps to get answers on whether or not I also have sleep apnea. I’m tired of unpredictable mood swings and constantly second guessing if I can trust those around me. It’s just beginning to wear me down, that no matter what I seem to try or how much effort I put in, I end up hurting the people that are supporting me.
I hear you on the sleep. I can manage thru work sick but if I don’t get enough sleep I can’t function the next day. It’s SO important. Glad you are working on improving that aspect.
Sending you hugs internet stranger. 🥰 Don’t be afraid to ask for medicine, mine was life changing and I was in a two year funk. Sunlight, vitamin D and exercise (yuck!) can help too.
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