I just wanted some insights from other fathers...

DosDude, 16 days ago

Babies cry, and it can be a lot. Maybe even frustrating. If you are feeling frustrated, just take a step back if your kid is in a safe spot. The kid won’t break from crying. Just step back. Or ask your SO to step in if available. And ask to help if it’s the other way around. You’re not a bad dad for doing that. If anything you’re a good one, because heated emotions can only damage.

Everything is a phase. Is the baby crying a lot? It will pass. Does the baby only want mommy? It will pass. All bad things will pass.

Enjoy cuddle times. Once they are bigger, they won’t sleep on your chest anymore.

mihnt, 16 days ago

Once they are bigger, they won’t sleep on your chest anymore.

I woke up from a nap the other day with my 11 year old laying perpendicular across my chest dead asleep. She’s a nut though.

frazorth, 16 days ago

The kids will try and come to your bed for snuggles because they had a bad dream.

Enjoy it, because it’s a phase and give it 8 years and they will never do it again. It’s funny because it seems annoying at first, but knowing it will never happen again makes it a little sad.

owenfromcanada, 16 days ago

Everything is a phase

This is probably the most important thing. There are phases when your child will refuse to sleep, scream all the time, etc. And in the moment, you start wondering if this is it–are the next 17 years going to be non-stop screaming? And it seems like they will. Then a week later, things change.

Repeat after me: this too shall pass.

Another thing I like to put out there is that you and your partner are about to experience sleep deprivation like you (likely) never have. I read a report that 25% of new parents experience hallucinations due to sleep deprivation (which was very true for me). So get sleep when you can, and try to not have terribly high expectations for yourself–some days, getting through is the best you can do, and that’s okay.

trolololol, 16 days ago

Totally agree. But I’d like to nitpick some phases last longer than others. My son started laughing at farts a few years back, and we probably still have 10 years ahead. What am I to do? Join in.

CyberDine, 14 days ago

1. It’s ok if you don’t feel love or attachment to your baby. I spent the better part of a year or two wondering if I was a sociopath. But as my boy started growing up and developing his personality, that love and attachment grew into something deeply emotional and unconditional.
2. Fight for your right to parent and spend time with your baby. Your wife might think it’s her burden to bear, but insist on you having time to bond, which will also give your wife a break or chance to check in with herself that won’t feel like she’s putting you out.
3. Bandit (Bluey’s Dad) is Dad Goals, but don’t get down on yourself if you can’t get there. As long as your child knows you love them and that you spend time with them when they want you, you’re already the best Dad ever.

indomara, 15 days ago (edited 15 days ago)

Ugh. Remember when you could search for a video on youtube and it was just a page full of results? I remember.

I had this same issue recently when I searched for something innocuous (ways to put up my long hair in a bun) and was served clickbait shock videos of anorexic women and other nonsense.

You are getting plenty of amazing advice on fathering from other dads here, but I wanted to pop in with a suggestion regarding youtube.

After that last interaction with youtube I ended up down the rabbit hole looking for a fix. I tried a few browser addons but none seemed to work properly, but then I heard about youtube front ends.

This one is “invidious”

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/6204b71b-0370-456f-8b06-a19aed0e2f32.jpeg

And this one is “piped”

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/6cad7076-22a0-4a9c-b7bc-764d80796bfb.jpeg

In both you connect to an “instance” like lemmy does, which can impact their performance. I haven’t chosen my favourite yet, invidious seems to perform better sometimes, but I like the ui of piped.

Congratulations to you and your growing family. <3

Edit: Here is a bonus screengrab with your search terms, there is still a lot of “how to have a boy” stuff, but some videos with general advice, being supportive, and fertility in general.

https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/54361054-ec94-4ef8-a573-822d68757b31.jpeg

necromancyr, 15 days ago

Enjoy it, even the hard parts. They go by fast and you will say one , looking back at a picture of your child as a baby when they are in High School, “I miss that baby.”

Bathtime is a great time as well - lots of laughs, fun, and (I’m guessing) with a daughter something that will go away sooner rather than later (i.e., your not going to get your hair done like your wife would). But, I have two sons so who knows - balls, farts, and the like have continued well into teens to the chagrin of my wife. :)

Jackfinished, 15 days ago

Father of two girls, wife knew I wanted a son I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. We play in the mud then have tea parties. They go hunting with me and paint my toenails. Love every minute of it.

Real advice: your wife/SO might be resistant to share the baby load. Hormones and the thing she grew in her belly popped out so she’s kinda hard wired to do it all, at least mine was. Had to be gentle but firm that she isn’t a machine and needed some alone time to sleep or self care, not just a mother.

As others have said be there to help, change diapers, feeding, etc. Be there for your wife and do what you can. Each baby is different. Also be prepared that either of you might not be entirely rational. a kid is a big change in just about all the ways. Lack of sleep, etc. Have some grace and it will all come out in the wash.

One other thing your baby is just that, a brand new human. They don’t know they need (or how to) sleep or they need to eat so they’ll cry cause they’re hungry or tired and won’t eat or sleep. It’s ok to admit you’re human and tap your partner in or just put the kid down in the crib and take a moment to calm down because it’s frustrating.

jabjoe, 15 days ago

Watch Bluey, be like Bandit. 😉

Be there, be useful, be kind. Sleep is huge. When ever you can, let your partner sleep and you take baby. Be able to change a nappy and change many. If the baby changing is part of the women’s loo, kick up a fuss rather than say you can’t do it then. Basically be able do everything except the breast feeding , which you clearly can’t do. But you can get your partner all the drinks and snacks she needs to feed. House work is also something you can take over to help.

One of my pet hates is useless dads. They give us all a bad name.

ZombiFrancis, 15 days ago

As weird as it sounds: try to think like a single dad: as if mom is not the default main character. The reason for this is it is very easy for a dad to defer rights and responsibilities to mom. It is socially acceptable, even. Especially when you’re a tired dad with work in the morning.

So doing simple shit like doctor’s appointments and taking the kid to a park or grocery shopping without mom’s management or involvement can be huge. Be a parent that is a dad. Like learn some developmental milestones that the mother might be tracking and/or worrying about that quite often aren’t taught in schools or to boys.

More than just being physically there, being mentally checked in can be huge.

If you are fortunate to have it: take leave from work. I know it isn’t an option for many and many employers scrutinize parental leave in general let alone for dads, but my advice is ‘Fuck em.’ (Maybe take some of that time to find a job that respects a father and family. I did and I do not regret it one bit.)

Jackfinished, 15 days ago

I think the first 6 months for both my kids I did all the Dr appointments. Even the Drs at first were surprised I was doing it but it was nice to do the grunt work and let the wife chill out.

franglais, 15 days ago

My moment of clarity was after watching some kids wellbeing videos by Dr Gabor Maté

Thcdenton, 15 days ago

Fuckin old ass cultures need to figure it out.

antlion, 15 days ago

The most supportive thing I can tell you is that it won’t be easy. But nothing worth doing in life is really easy. Your whole life with your parents you probably just wanted control over your own life. Now you have control and it’s great. Once the dominoes are set up for your family, you no longer have control. You have influence, but not control. Go with it. Go with the flow. Nobody can fully prepare you, not even your own parents. Every pregnancy is unique, every relationship is unique, every child is unique. People giving advice about getting kids to sleep - they had sleepy kids and their advice probably won’t help. People giving advice about getting kids to stop crying, they probably had easier kids. Most people don’t write about unresolved struggles of parenthood.

Most people don’t tell you that newborn babies (0-3m) are the worst. It’s the 4th trimester and they should really just still be in a kangaroo pouch. Newborns don’t sleep at night. They exist on a 2-3 hour cycle of eating, sleeping, and excreting around the clock. When newborn babies are awake in the middle of the night, for the 3rd or 4th time, they’re not going to sleep, until the little 3 hour cycle is done. They don’t smile at you, or laugh. It’s really hard to support your zombie sleep-deprived partner. She won’t have any energy for your relationship. No sleep makes for short tempers - close to madness.

After that, it gets better steadily. Smiles, sitting, eating, crawling, laughing, climbing, walking, talking, hugging, loving, and lots of laughing.

Anyway, you will help your partner if you are a source of stable calm emotions. You’ll help if you learn when to step up, and when to step aside. Once you’re a parent you don’t have as much time for anxiety. You are just doing it, moment by moment, and you learn to go with the flow. Being a parent can only be learned on the job. By the time your kid is old enough to form lasting memories, you’ll already be a different person than you were before they were born, than you are now. You don’t need to worry about time, because you won’t have any. Well, you’ll have plenty of time I mean, but you’ll spend it on what’s most important to you - your kid.

Anyway, don’t sweat it. No matter how you prepare, you will be unprepared. Just do your best, and be your best version of yourself.

florge, 16 days ago

Can recommend the book ‘Pregancy for men: The whole 9 months’ by Mark Woods. Breaks up the pregnacy by each month, explains it all from the guy’s perspective. Also touches on conceiving at the begining.

Idreamofcheesy, 16 days ago

Support your wife with however she wants to feed. Breast fed only? Ok do you want me at the lactation specialist. Combo? Get good with the bottle. Formula only? Formula has gotten REALLY close to as good as breast milk, no judging.

You can take some night shifts if the baby takes a bottle, even if your wife doesn’t work and you do. Both of you should try to get 5 hours straight sleep per night, but you should know this will not work.

glarf, 16 days ago

I’d like to chime in and say that there are some great pieces of advice here, thanks for being good, Lemmy!

My advice for conception is to just enjoy your partner. Don’t make it work, go on dates, use foreplay, make it fun, and you’ll build memories as well as a stronger bond. Always communicate with your partner, that makes everything better, even the uncomfortable things, just remember to be kind.

bluGill, 16 days ago

The most important thing is having a human - as opposed to some sort of monster. Some cultures consider boys more important than girls (very common), while others consider girls more important than boys (much less common) - this is one of the few cases where I will firmly state that all such cultures are wrong. Enjoy what you get. As a parent of both I can tell you that they are different and they are both worth having.

deelayman, 16 days ago

If you’re still trying to conceive, have patience and don’t put too much pressure on yourselves. It helped me to go through the mental exercise of thinking that even if we couldnt conceive for many years, I would still be happy and fulfilled by adopting and spending life with my partner that way.

It didn’t take us years, but it also didn’t take us one try. My doctor saw a low sperm count and that prompted some lifestyle changes. I biked to work every day, and stopped that, I cut out caffeine and alcohol, and I bought some boxers with some support and breathability. Those changes made the biggest difference in sperm count, as I was back up above average in under two months. By all means take the supplements they might offer, but the biggest outcomes will be from your own lifestyle changes.