It’s tough as you go through your mid and late twenties, because until then, you’re often in a position to make friends by default. In school, you’re surrounded by people like you (same age, same geographic area, likely somewhat similar economic station) and hanging out with friends just kinda happens.
Then you graduate, people get married and start having kids and the dynamic shifts. And now, to make friends and nurture friendships, you have to put in significantly more effort–at a time when your daily energy levels are declining.
I maintain a handful of strong friendships, but they don’t look much like they did fifteen years ago in my early twenties. And I’m good with that.
I’ve noticed friends chose their faith themselves. I’ve lost four really good friends, that I’ve known for 15+ years, by them just not talking to me anymore. That’s it, no angry shout-out, no “oh you changed a lot”, no complain about me trying to contact them or any remarks on why they might not want to hang out with me. They just never go online anymore and don’t reacting to the phone to trying to hang out. I know they aren’t dead, as other people I still know are in contact with them.
My conclusion is, that a lot of people don’t know anymore what friendship is and that they destroy this themselves until they are old but have no one left to hang out with but shallow TikTok level of friendships.
I am that friend that vanished that you are describing.
In my case, I tried talking to the friend that bothered me ( an unmedicated ADHD alcoholic mess of a friend) he told me to fuck off.
I even stopped hanging out with my old group of friends that involved this guy that I described because it became this: male anger space to vent off, suicide jokes, complain about work, glorify alcohol, try out different types of drugs. No, thank you, I don’t want to do a live action of Rick n Morty.
There is no talking with a group where everyone decided to stay together on a shitty decision. I tried once and they got really angry and made me the wrong one for going to the gym, waking up early, quitting alcohol, etc.
I still keep in touch from afar and now, almost 10 years later, some of them are saying " yeah, the doctor told me to drop the alcohol", " yeah now I found the right meds for me and I aint as angry"
Everybody goes at their own pace, but expecting other friends to stay with you during this journey is ludicrous.
I went my way and although it hurt, sometimes its the best thing you can do for your mental health and integrity
Oh sure. I’m totally with you on this. Difference is I’m no alcoholic nor do things that have a bad influence on people, nor were my friends addicts.
If anything, I’m a better person than 10 years ago because I’m less depressed, more happy, Way easier to talk to, do sports, friendlier, don’t talk about politics much anymore, don’t put myself on a pedestal, and way less aggressive. So that people stop wanting to be my friends hurts a lot, because everything I do and the person I am, is a much much better person and I worked so hard on that.
I don’t and can’t believe people liked my asshole self more than me now. And these people that stopped talking to me are also good people. It’s absurd.
On your 3rd paragraph, I also have no idea why this happens, but we are not the only ones. Maybe people get the idea we became too self-centered?
I cannot comment on you because I don’t know you, but in my case, if I were to be self-critic, I always focus too much on my career, wife, hobbies, household chores, family… friends were always the last priority on my schedule. People pick up on that quickly, idk.
I do have some friends though who are low maintenance and with these I find its much easier to keep friends with. We can go 6 months without seeing each other and its still fun to get together.
I don’t know you or your friends, but I do know that everybody goes through their own shit. You shouldn’t look at it as a reflection on you. Maybe at some point you can reach out to some of them or they’ll surprise you and do the same. I’m of the opinion that true friends i.e., the ones who’ve stuck through it with you no matter what in the past, where those bonds were formed early, are pretty permanently going to be there in the future when you call on them or need them. Give it some time and don’t be hard on yourself. As someone who probably has ADHD, that and other mental illnesses drain people’s ability to maintain relationships down, unless they’re in close proximity or a spouse, and even then it is hard… I’m supposed to get up and call the bank to sort a problem for my wife and I and I just wanna lay in bed and dick off because I’m tired. Life is tiring man…
Yes!!! This is the double edged sword of loneliness. We’re also behaving in ways that self-select ourselves out of relationships. And relationships dont have such a powerful draw, but social health maintains the lonely feeling.
Some people vanish because they struggle with life. Maybe that’s not relateable for everyone, but sometimes people do not have the energy to maintain friendships. There is nothing that you can do on your end but there also is nothing they can do on their end.
From addictions to mental crisis, autoimmune disease or chronic pain there is so much that can suck a person dry. Also all kinds of family and relationship issues.
Sometimes the difference between the friends these people still have contact with and those who they don’t have contact with comes down to marginal differences like living close by and crossing ways regularly.
This is me. I barely have the energy to get through each day. Maintaining friendships feels like an impossible mountain to climb. Being an introvert plays a large part in this as I feel more tired after hanging out with friends. In truth, friendship has almost always felt like a burden more than a benefit to me. I kept them because I had to, or I was supposed to. I don’t feel like I’m missing much now.
You can can create your world and be happy with(in) it.
I prepared for a series of possible life scenarios when younger, most of which entailed celibacy and no sort of social life. And I was fine with it. Reproducing was not even a goal.
Events came to be and managed to find mate, territory, den and reproduced. Found familiars, discovered never before tapped resources, capabilities and interests.
Mate and I are bonded for life. All previous connections are lost, broken or hostile.
Go out to provide for the den daily, come back tired, dirty and smelly. Often bruised and scuffed. Mate tends wounds, provides comfort. Return care and nurture to mate. Tend to den and offspring. Tend to familiars.
Sometimes, get to sit alone and look over the den and territory.
I found myself more alone than ever before at around 25 and everyday seems a bit strange no matter how much time passes. I reach out so often but nobody ever seems to want to reciprocate, to form friendships.
There’s still time to make new friends, you just have to discover new places or try to talk with people you never talked much. If you are unhappy with your marriage, you two might possibly need some marriage counseling. An unhappy marriage can make things worse my friend. That’s what I learnt from my dad all these years.
The hell are you staying with her for? You’ve got one fucking life. Get yourself away from that toxicity and maybe you’ll find life isn’t that bad after all.
I agree with the sentiment but it is easier said than done - splitting finances, houses, assets, debts etc is a mahoosive pain in the arse, and may well be perceived as less of an evil than actually putting up with the daily shit.
Ultimately though I do agree, it doesn’t change without some fundamental movement - either recover what relationship you have with the wife, or start planning a 12 month strat to get your shit in order and pivot to a more single lifestyle for a while.
Good luck bro/broette. You got this, and we’re happy that you’re here.
Maybe try therapy? Would you she be up for that and would you? Just thinking out loud. There is usually a reason people are indifferent and distant, and if you guys had a setting you could analyze and talk about it, maybe that would be good?
Yeah I’m amazed at the folks who casually have kids, as if it were the only option when they got preggo.
45yo man, same thing with the friends - solid group, but I do almost all the outreach. part of that is them having younger kids in some cases. otherwise, well, sometimes if you want friends you have to carry that shit yourself.
the thing that gets me is: it’s one thing to struggle to make friendships work, but really it was when I was a kid, so… meh. some things don’t change I guess.
Thanks man! Our little guy is sleeping 8-9 hours a night already… granted that’s 7-4am but still I’ll take it. Once he started doing that… Life got easier to manage.
I can’t wait till he’s mobile and we can experience him experienceing life.
People grow up at different speeds, both in experience and emotionally. Some people are perfectly fine parents in their 20s, others never grow to be responsible parents.
My wifes parents had her in their late 30s and fucked things up completely. my parents started with my siblings when they were 24/30 which was late at the time, but quite early by today standards. They did well overall, of course making some mistakes. (who doesn’t?)
I’m not the target audience cause I’m still fairly young but I never really… understood feeling the need for lots of friends? I talk to family a lot and I don’t really want much more. I used to be in a friend group at a time and always thought it was too chaotic. Could be the autism? It’s probably the autism.
Naah. Quality over quantity goes for many people, without any neurodivergence as prerequirement.
A friend from highschool, that is more of an aquaintance today always throws huge parties with 50+ guests and he does many things with his flatmates/uni colleagues and other groups. Still when i get to see him at his parties he’s always running around talking to different people, but with an expression of loneliness in his face.
I like to think of friends on a spectrum of fair weather-bad weather. Fair weather friends are the people who are the most hilarious to hang out with, throw parties or go out. But they tend not to show up, or genuinely care, when you are down. Bad weather friends are people you might not have the best fit in terms of activities or world view or other stuff, that makes friendships easy going. But they stick out for you, if the need arises.
I prefer one bad weather friend, i see once in a blue-moon over ten good weather friends i see every week.
I thinks it’s more apt to say it’s hard to have friends if you don’t put yourself in a position to make any. Not doing group activities to meet people or talking to people means just that - you don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t think anyone is ‘boring’ everyone has interests and quirks just not everyone is good at interacting and mingling with other people.
i really don't identify with this. i got married about 24, have two kids, and still have my friends. also decent internet is pretty much a requirement for any place we live.
living out in bumfuck is something i'll do when i'm old.
I never understand why we congratulate people for procreating. There are about 8 billion people and they all have the animal desire to make more people, big whoop mate. Have they made any other notable contributions?
They aren’t being congratulated for procreating. They are being congratulated for having the right mentality around procreating (in that it is a sacrifice that requires at the least consideration prior and commitment after in order to make a good human to carry on the species).
You’ll be in for a surprise when the kids have grown up and are leaving to live their own lives. Happens faster than you might think and after that you might end up having neither kids nor friends.
Just a friendly hint from an old fart who has been through all that
You’ll be in for a surprise when the kids have grown up and are leaving to live their own lives. Happens faster than you might think and after that you might end up having neither kids nor friends.
Just a friendly hint from an old fart who has been through all that
Except those kids now will get to discover the wonder of $10,000/mo rent for a sleep pod, $200/gal gas, 150°F summer and probably a wildfire too, as well as food that starts at $100 for a hotdog, at this given rate.
I told myself I would stay in touch with my friends no matter what. I lost exactly one after kids: my childhood best friend. Turns out he couldn’t handle being second to my wife (another childhood friend) and my kids. It was a pretty close second, and I even told him he’s the brother I never had and let him stay with us rent free for a bit.
He didn’t like that I couldn’t just run off on any of his spontaneous plans and just left our home and even our friend group entirely.
All my other friends understand and we put together a Discord community and some game servers for when we can’t get together. I really appreciate my guys, and now that my kids have a few years on them I have a bit more freedom. My wife is great about helping me spend time with them.
My friends disappeared around then but I feel like I also did. Cohabitation was the first step away then marriage then kids. At the same time they were moving away from me I was moving away from them for the same reasons but still separately.
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