it's collapsing (tw: relationships, dysphoria)

Hi, I’m gonna reintroduce myself, first. I went by VirulentAura, and have been kinda active this past week posting, if anyone actually cares. I decided to change it up, cuz I was tired of lemmy.world being down, and, I dunno, I wanted to use my name. Preface aside, please be advised that the content may be troubling to some. It’s kinda a vent, but I need to talk to someone. I need to get it off my chest.

She hates me. She says I’m trying to turn her into a lesbian, and she wants to leave me. Honestly, if she isn’t into boobs and vagina, and I want boobs and a vagina, that kinda makes a bit of an impasse, ya? But why does she hate me for it? I get she feels like I lied to her, but I’ve been lying to myself too! I’m throwing seventeen years away because of the “choices” I’ve made, but she is choosing to leave me?

My son, 16, asked me yesterday why she accepts them, and not me. I told her today, she needs to talk to them, that she can’t let her hatred for me stand in the way of our parenting, that they need to be the most important thing on her mind. I was met with an emphatic “leave me the fuck alone,” ad verbatim. I want her to succeed. She wants to take the truck and leave, and ask my conservative Christian mother to borrow a vehicle until I get one of my own.

She has been talking about wanting a camper, her own space, to pick up and go wherever she wants. I’ve offered to try to help, we bunk in different rooms until we get into a position where she can leave and live her best life, and am met with hearty “go fuck yourself.”

I feel like I need to open back up Facebook, to do damage control. I haven’t had a FB account in years, but I don’t know what hate she is spewing to her family, and I don’t want them to make my life miserable.

Part of me wishes I never ate from the tree of knowledge. You can’t unlearn this mindfuck. It was easier on my psyche to think I was an ugly guy, than a woman who looked like I was an ugly guy.

She said she would never find me attractive, even if I didn’t have bottom surgery, even before she decided to leave. I described a hypothetical situation in five years where I would try to initiate, would she be into that? She would consummate the marriage, but no. That’s not attractive.

The other day, before all this shit went down, I went to go get me some clothes, and the clothes I want to wear and my body are so mismatched, I couldn’t get anything 😭. I tried dying my hair blonde, but my genetics are so fucked up I can’t do anything with this super dark hair. I wanted to feel pretty after a shitty day of feeling like I was uninvited to my nephews party on the grounds I’m trans, and arguing with her about weather a penis makes a good spouse. I just wanted her to tell me I’m pretty. I have a pretty soul, apparently, but, no, she can’t find me physically attractive.

I’m not gonna be her hag.

I’m not gonna be in a relationship where I’m gonna dress down and try to be as pretty as possible for her, and can’t even get a “nice ass.” I’ve always tried to lift her up, through all her own body issues, after three kids, after her becoming so sedentary and gaining sixty pounds, after me being genuinely worried about talking about her health, because I didn’t want to hurt her, she can’t even lie to me and tell me I’m pretty. I can’t live in that.

I want her to be happy. I want us both to be happy. Why doesn’t she want me to be happy?

Coskii, (edited )
@Coskii@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

Know that you’re not alone. I have many mtf friends who are going through the same thing. It’s interesting to me that there is such a violent reaction by some partners, and for the reason on this one of ‘trying to make her lesbian’ is not the reasoning I think most people would consider after being in a nearly 2 decade long relationship. It strikes me as odd especially because people don’t generally suddenly become trans. There must have been clues along the way that she either ignored or somehow missed. I’ve seen a few of your posts and it seems you have many many more questions about yourself and how to exist in the new world of you. The only advice I have for you is to slow down a touch and put some heavy thought into you, what you want, and why.

I can go deeper, but don’t really have the time atm. As for your hair situation, wigs are always a option for hair colors you may not be optimal for, and if that’s a bit much, you can try to get your hair professionally dyed. They would likely be more knowledgeable.

eestileib,

Been there, oh boy have I been there (still getting divorced).

Just gotta keep on keeping on. Some things will take longer than you think, some things will be faster.

But cis girls don’t turn into women overnight, neither do trans girls. You gotta let the juice do its thing, and you gotta go out there and figure out who you are (often making an idiot of yourself in the process).

Really fucking inconvenient to be doing it 20 years after everyone else, but that’s life.

Triasha,

Damn I’m sorry. The only thing I can suggest is to give her space, as much as you can. You don’t deserve this.

If you have any kind of support system outside of her, now is the time. I would stay off Facebook. Trying to do damage control there with a conservative family is probably going to do more harm than good.

It’s going to hurt more before it gets better, but with time and some effort, it can get better. Care for the kids as best you can. Then care for yourself as best you can. Then care for your wife.

You have every chance of being a pretty woman. It make take hormones and time and hair removal, and maybe some makeup magic, but there will probably come a day when you can be proud of what you see in the mirror.

Regardless, who you see in the mirror is more important. Do your best, and the rest will fall as it may.

NoStressyJessie,

I’m sorry you are going through it. My wife left me while I was still very much in the closet and trying to drink myself to death every hour of every day. It hurt me a lot, but I’ve found it to be for the better for me.

I’m just so lucky my current SO is so understanding.

It’s tropey and dumb, but one day at a time, and if a day is too long, one hour at a time, and if an hour is too long, take it by the minute.

Sounds like while it isn’t comfy or happy now, it’ll all be much better for everyone involved if things dissolve.

My heart goes out to you, and welcome (back) to the community!

EsheLynn,

Funny, one day at a time… It’s what my mom always says.

The (ex?) wife forced my hand today. She threatened to out me to my family, so while I was at the hospital pith my youngest cuz he was vomiting coffee grounds from stress, I did a big group message with both my brothers (one I came out to already), my dad, my mom, and her (so she couldn’t accuse me of saying anything untoward).

Laid it all out. That I have an appointment with my GP on the seventh. That I wanted bottom surgery (cuz she said in the group “why don’t you tell them you want boobs and you wanna turn your penis inside out?!”). That I hated my body hair, and have been happily wearing women’s clothes for a week.

Dad was surprisingly happy for me.

Mom, unsurprisingly, called me selfish (??) And suggest one of the kids go with the wife, one stays with me, and one lives with her (??!!?!).

Hadn’t heard from my youngest brother, but he’s a conspiracy theory nutcase, sooo…

Course, mom wanted me to call her about an hour ago, but I’m not having any of that. Especially since she keeps calling me son. Dad was respectful enough to ask what to call me.

I don’t get her. Why does someone who said they loved me, wish me so much hate just because I want to be myself?

NoStressyJessie, (edited )

Sounds like your mom struggled with some personal issues, as one day at a time is an old Alchoholics Anonymous saying. No shame in that, just saying, your mom probably gained some empathy from living a hard situation either firsthand or second hand.

It’s been a hard truth for me to accept, and I’m sorry to pawn it off on you, I just felt that it may be helpful. I find myself overwhelmed frequently with things and have had to make it a mantra for myself to the point it feels useful enough to share? My feelings are still very confusing, so I’m sorry to be wishy-washy with you.

I’m sorry you were forced to be outted, It’s happened to me for other identities, and it’s worked out so far for me, but it is still not okay, and shouldn’t be forced on anyone. I’m sorry that you feel the need to put out so many fires in such a tumultuous time for you.

On to the silver lining side of things, it’s wonderful that your mother father has been so supportive (even if it feels like it could go farther)! I’m worried about how my mom will react about me. We haven’t seen each other in a while, and I worry by the time she makes time to see me I’ll already be so far along that boy mode isn’t possible but girl mode is awkward.

I’ve been very open with her so far as an adult, so I don’t expect too much push back, but my inner voice is BRUTAL and a part of the reason I was a homeless youth was because of my LGBTQ+ alignment going against her personal beliefs. The last time I saw her as a minor, she caught me with a more effeminate male and told me she couldn’t believe I would let that THING into her house.

That’s really stuck with me.

The last time I really talked to my dad it was about being bi, and he was devastated that I would ever take being a bottom, as compared to being a fierce top.

I didn’t luck out, per se, but it could be quite a bit worse for me in the parents category.

I don’t get her. Why does someone who said they loved me, wish me so much hate just because I want to be myself?

It’s probably a nebulous issue like Rejection Sensitivity, DO NOT INVOLVE YOURSELF! Take the time to learn, do what you can for yourself, but don’t try to help her with her shit. She seems quite hurt, and you involving yourself further ‘for her benefit’ will do nothing but cause more pain, tension, resentment, etc. The only person you have ultimate culpability for is yourself (and to a lesser but almost equal degree your children).

To add another AA colloquialism , I’ll finish my comment with the serenity prayer;

God(s), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

EsheLynn,

Genuinely, I am so sorry your interactions with your parents make my mom seem supportive. She asked me why I couldn’t wait a couple of years to come out, so the kids could be out of the house, and, to reiterate, said I was selfish.

My dad was the supportive one.

I love the positivity you are wishing on me, and I agree. I’ve been known to make things worse with my overhelping. And she doesn’t want anything from me anyways. You’re right, I have to worry about my babies, I have to worry about myself. She’s a strong woman. She can figure herself out.

NoStressyJessie,

Genuinely, I am so sorry your interactions with your parents make my mom seem supportive. She asked me why I couldn’t wait a couple of years to come out, so the kids could be out of the house, and, to reiterate, said I was selfish.

Eh, you caught me self inserting I guess. I’m sorry. I corrected my original comment.

You’re right, I have to worry about my babies, I have to worry about myself. She’s a strong woman. She can figure herself out.

Absolutely, would you want someone that you feel (wrongly or rightly) betrayed you to come fix things? I know I wouldn’t.

There’s only a handful of things you can actually take any ownership for and action to fix, and it certainly isn’t your wife, or her feelings. That’s hard, it was hard for me for sure. A part of my CPTSD was trying to be the parent to my parents, and taking ownership of their feelings and emotions, and one of the most liberating things for me was realizing that it was never my responsibility in the first place.

It may be just as liberating for you in this situation.

jahtnamas,
@jahtnamas@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

the irony of blåhaj going down after you posted this. seems we’re back but just barely. i might not be able to post this comment!

i’ve been seeing these vents from the sidelines and i’m sorry your wife suddenly turned like this not even 2 weeks into your journey. i don’t think i can answer these questions for you, but it seems like she might be getting severely influenced by her family? something similar happened to me a long time ago, where a family friend tried twice to get me to break up with someone on his own personal moral grounds (read: some lies he made up). it only succeeded the first time.

EsheLynn,

She says she only told her dad and sister today she was leaving me because I wanted to be a girl, and she’s not into girls. She’s just aggressively straight, and right now she is leaning heavily into the aggressive. To the point where she bought a plane ticket for tomorrow, leaving me fucked on rent. How the fuck she could do that to her own children, I don’t know, but it’s the last straw for me. Hate me as much as you want, but don’t fuck with my kids.

jahtnamas,
@jahtnamas@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

oohhh, that’s vile. reminds me a bit of what my mom did to me and my dad. absolutely stay by your kids.

LadyAutumn,
@LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone avatar

I’m so sorry to hear this Lynn. I really hope that you and your children are safe.

EsheLynn,

We are. I don’t think she would try to hurt me, and she’s staying somewhere else, my mom’s I think. That aside, I don’t think she has the spare keys. It’s only a hundred bucks shy or so, but I’m renting from a Corp, so… I’ll go donate plasma or something. I’m not on any hormones yet, so should be a cinch.

Thanks for your concern.

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