My gf (f23) found an old video of me (m22) with an ex and wont talk to me now.

I am my gfs first partner, she is my second. The girl I dated prior (for 6 months) was a vlogger and for like 3 months made a lotta relationship and prank videos wth me which I was fine with at the time. Now my current gf is my first ever real crush and Ive been into her for a decade.

So my gf stalked my ex somehow, idk how consodering Im not on social media myself (this account is the literal exception). She then asked a LOT of questions about my ex, I dodged just about every question. After that she just pulled away and was distant and would barely talk to me or meet up. She finally told me she found my ex’s yt channel and watched every single thing on there.

Now I think Ive been VERY understanding and comforting to her, reassuring her literally every day since, being very loving and romantic to the point of cringing myself out. But she never really got over what she saw, idk if she rewatched that stuff or not but it was def smth thats always been in the back of her mind. She also knows that I broke up with my ex since I was moving countries and not bc the relationship was bad.

Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.

This is the first time my gf has denied my hug for comfort or just been so repulsed by me, she wont touch me while i explained everything, I deleted said video infront of her and begged her for a week. First she told me she needed to think things over but knowing her she wanted me chasing and I did just that, second week Ive given her space and theres been no change. We have had 2 dry 5 min convos in the last week.

How do I fix this or make it upto her???

Tl;dr: Gf found an old personal video involving an ex and wont talk to me anymore.

wokehobbit,

I’m sorry dude, but you’re lying about knowing that video is there. I was pretty naughty before my wife and as soon as we got together I scrubbed everything that would be remotely inappropriate in a relationship. Most would do the same. So, I can’t help but think you’re lying and kept it for your secret spank bank. Which is gross.

pjhenry1216,

Would something like that be on YouTube?

Edit: nevermind. Saw the comment about the other video. That's messed up. Shows there's still a connection to her. Plus hiding the relationship by avoiding and dodging questions was a mistake.

OceanSoap,

What? It wasn’t on YouTube, she found it on his personal laptop.

pjhenry1216,

My bad. Didn't realize there was a more button. So it cut off at the watching ex's yt video. Definitely explains what everyone else is talking about.

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar
  1. I have no reason to lie here where i’m anonymous.
  2. My laptop is shite and I barely use it so it’s not like it comes up.
  3. I always hated that video anyways. Terribly shot.
OscarRobin,

She’s got problems. She’s torturing herself with old media of your previous relationship for no reason and resenting and blaming you for it. If she can’t grow up you shouldn’t have to deal with it.

520,

Here's the thing, you were caught dodging questions about your ex (don't think for a second she didn't notice) and now she finds an intimate video on your laptop.

You have to realise how that can paint a very damning picture for her. The worst part wasn't the video, but the fact that you were dodging questions. If it wasn't for this, you could have explained it, but given how you were dodging questions about your ex, now she's going to doubt any answer you gave her.

There is a fundamental issue of if she can trust you. And you've painted a pretty damning picture.

If you want to address anything, address this part. Invite her to ask her anything and everything, even the parts you don't want to bring up.

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

My post wasnt very clear, I’m sorry. I did dodge questions initially, after she saw everything on youtube I told her most things she wanted to know. Also I broke up with my ex bc i was moving back to the country I’m in now and my gf knows this so she cant expect anything sus happening. I could try giving her all the information she wants, but I don’t think she’d like that.

520, (edited )

She absolutely can suspect something going on, and perhaps it might not be unreasonable to. Just because you're in different countries does not mean that feelings aren't there.

So you've got:

  1. being initially unwilling to come forward with these details.

  2. she knows you broke up for reasons that don't involve feelings going away

  3. she found intimate videos of you two on your laptop.

I'm pretty sure her mind right now is filling in the blanks in the worst possible way right now, as people tend to do, and she may not know if she can trust your first answer. This is why dodging the questions initially was about the worst thing you could have done except for actually having something going on.

It sounds like she's convinced that things between you and this vlogger aren't over at all.

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

This is the conclusion Im afraid she’ll come to. Even though I love this girl with all my heart and she’s literally my first crush from way back in highschool, it still feels like a dream that we got together.

520,

I think the best thing you can do here is offer her a heart-to-heart and wait for her to take you up on it. You may have to sit patiently for a bit.

iByteABit,

Like the others said:

She needs to grow up, accept that you had a previous relationship before this and that’s ok.

You need to also accept that that’s ok and stop acting like you’ve got something to hide. You’re not protecting her or your relationship by doing that, you’re just making yourself look suspicious and untrustworthy. #1 trait of every good relationship is trust, even if that means saying difficult things now and then. A relationship without trust is not one worth having.

BellyPurpledGerbil,

I don’t have a more polite way of putting this, and as a woman I just can’t sympathize.

She fucked around and found out.

What was she expecting? I’m going to snoop into my boyfriend’s most intimate moments with their ex, unprompted, and… THEN WHAT? CRY ABOUT IT? Your girlfriend is a dumbass. She hurts herself and then she takes it out on you? Not a single bit of this is your fault. If she’s giving you grief, ignore her or exit the relationship if she can’t get over it. Holy fuck I’m annoyed by this story.

Astroturfed, (edited )

This is a her problem, not a you problem. She needs to get over it. You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s being immature and needs to grow up.

v81,

I’m trying to be as gentle and understanding of her as possible but it all comes down to her having issues with immaturity around relationships and trust issues.

First she went looking for trouble by stalking. Then she found media if your previous relationship by accident. Then she refuses to participate in healthy and reasonable discussion.

I’m trying to find a way that she’s not at fault, but this is all her fault.

You are allowed to have had a life prior to meeting her, just as she’s allowed to have had a life before you.

You will also have a life after each other.

If she can’t put her big girl pants on and discuss an issue between immediately and 24 hours then that’s bad behaviour on her part.

Far as I can see she’s not yet mature enough to be in a relationship, and that’s on her.

I don’t know what you held back when she asked about your previous relationship, it might have been things that you’re very much entitled to hold back… it not. You may or may not owe an apology for this, but she sure owes you an apology for her shitty behaviour.

1984,
@1984@lemmy.today avatar

Sounds like you are trying to act a certain way in front of your girlfriend so she will feel better. But you dont truly understand her feelings about this. The fact that you think dodging questions is a win for you… It’s extreamly immature and I feel sorry for your girlfriend.

You are still at the stage where you think being a man is acting cool. You have a lot of growing up to do.

Maybe I’m a bit harch. Sorry. I just wish people wouldn’t hurt eachother so much at your age. You all have no idea what you are doing.

CapnAssHolo,

Boom you just 1984ed OP

1984,
@1984@lemmy.today avatar

I expected an “Ok Boomer” to be honest :)

nicktron,
nicktron avatar

You’re 22. Go fuck someone else - this girl has red flags all over the place.

She’s mad/upset because you have a past. Guess what? We all do. She needs to grow up.

elscallr,
@elscallr@lemmy.world avatar

How do I fix this or make it upto her???

Simply put? You don’t. She needs to get over this. Delete the video, of course, there’s no reason to have it saved anymore anyway, but then she needs to get the fuck over the fact that you’ve been in a relationship before.

But be more open with her. You being evasive was not the best move and you need to account for that, but her digging into your past relationship was stupid she’ll have to come to terms with that. You guys are young and you’re making young people mistakes. You’ll get through it.

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

Thanks, hope this isnt the end for us.

1847953620,

You need to be ok with this being over for your own sake. She’s toxic af.

Bizarroland,
Bizarroland avatar

My ex-wife was like this.

Right when me and her started dating, I went to go see a friend of mine named Michelle who I had been friends with since I was a teenager and I ended up getting drunk at Michelle's place with her and her husband and sleeping on their couch.

My ex-wife for some reason got it in her head that I slept with Michelle that night.

I did everything I could to sort the misunderstanding out. I vehemently denied the accusation, I offered to let her and Michelle talk and to meet Michelle's husband and she refused. She had decided that Michelle would lie for me to cover me and it was pointless to talk to her.

I spent several years trying to fix things, trying to patch over the insecurities and to make things better and to solve the problem and to fix it so that she could trust me and be happy with me and her the way I was.

Despite all of this, I thought we had worked things out, I thought that we were in a good place. We got married 2 years later, we had a lot of fun with each other and things were great.

Several years later, Michelle's mom died. I wanted to go to the funeral, the ex-wife said that I could not go, I had to pick attending one of my best friend's mother's funeral or my wife.

This caused a major rift between us. I did not sleep in the same bed with her again after this. For months I kept my distance and I tried to work things out with her and anytime I brought up any attempt whatsoever to resolve the issue between us she would clam up and completely refuse to talk.

She wanted things her way and anything that I wanted did not fucking matter anymore.

We spent a year in that stalemate, and finally I got an offer to come to another state and get a new job and make a shit ton more money and I told her that I was going to take the job.

She told me that it was her or the job and I had to pick.

Last time, I didn't go to my friend's mom's funeral, I didn't do what my wife wanted either. I spent a year in misery over that decision. I wasn't going to do that again, so I told her I was moving.

The last thing she said to me as she was packing up her stuff to leave was that "I know you fucked Michelle" as she slammed the door.

That insecurity stayed with her our entire relationship and ruined everything and there wasn't a goddamn thing I could have done about it.

Even if I had devoted my entire life to serving her every minor whim and need in the back of her head she still would have been thinking I fucked Michelle.

elscallr,
@elscallr@lemmy.world avatar

She’s insecure as hell, and that can be ok. People are all different, and maybe she just needs a bit of security right now, but fuck man how much of this shit do you want to eat?

You are going to need to find a line, and on the other side of it is a grown ass woman who doesn’t care who you fucked before so long as you ain’t gonna burn her. Whether that’s the girl you’re with now or not is up to her. And you.

elephantium,
@elephantium@lemmy.world avatar

Honestly, you both sound like you have some maturing to do. She’s got insecurity/jealousy/stalkerish problems, and you’re acting like you have something to hide (dodging her questions was your first mistake).

Based on your description, you didn’t do anything wrong in your previous relationship. You don’t need to hide or act like it’s retroactive cheating.

By the same token, your girlfriend needs to learn to not ask questions when she doesn’t actually want to hear the answers.

I’d suggest that you give her a bit more space. Give her time to miss you and to get over herself.

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

I just dont wanna say smth that might hurt her. But yes I’ve long had a tendency of being secretive, it’s smth several close friends of mine have mentioned too.

elscallr,
@elscallr@lemmy.world avatar

Can I be honest?

It’s one thing to be empathetic. It’s another thing to be a doormat.

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

No need for that whatsoever 😭😭

elscallr,
@elscallr@lemmy.world avatar

I’m sorry man. I’m a lot older than you. I’ve been through the same things you’re saying.

You feel things. That’s ok. That’s good. But people will take advantage of that. The “tough guy” or “hard ass” trope didn’t come out of nowhere. It came because people needed to learn these lessons.

You seem like a good dude. Don’t stop caring, but accept the fact that people will take advantage of that and will use it against you.

TheDoozer,

Honestly, it’s needed. Your perspective on this is pretty off, and just typing this out should have told you your behavior was enabling at best, and… well, not going to say what at worst is, let’s leave it at enabling.

The first initial reaction is telling: she’s upset with you for having a previous relationship and instead of being understanding of her insecurities while establishing that being upset and being upset with you are two different things, you were falling all over yourself trying to apologize for having a life before her.

But then she “stumbles” (lol) upon the private video on your laptop and you’re still apologizing and trying to find a way to “make it up to her?”

The long and short of it is she is immature and confusing her own insecurities for your own transgressions, and instead of correcting that you are enabling it. You are her first real relationship, and you are setting her up for failure for all her future relationships because you’re setting the precedent that it’s acceptable. You are bad for her.

And you’re setting yourself up to be an abuse victim in every relationship you have. There’s a difference between empathy and desperation, and I don’t think you have the perspective to see the line right now.

Honestly, I highly suggest some therapy. As far as the relationship? Stop coddling the person who is supposed to be your partner, establish some boundaries, and stop apologizing for having a life before her. She might leave you (because she’s not ready for an adult relationship yet and these shenanigans are helping her learn) or she might not. But a relationship based on you jumping to apologize for her own issues isn’t going to help either of you.

elscallr,
@elscallr@lemmy.world avatar

The long and short of it is she is immature and confusing her own insecurities for your own transgressions, and instead of correcting that you are enabling it. You are her first real relationship, and you are setting her up for failure for all her future relationships because you’re setting the precedent that it’s acceptable. You are bad for her.

I’m not even OP but damn. Mf god damn. Like, you’re right, and I’d never thought of it that way. I’m not sure I would. It’s a remarkably likely course of action I’d have never considered that I respect seeing the way I’d respect seeing a chess move.

ElleChaise,

Tell her you feel like a jerk, you can only imagine how this whole thing has affected her emotionally, and that you think it would be a terrible way to walk away from an otherwise great relationship. Tell her whatever she decides, you'll let her lead the way, and mean it, because if she doesn't return your messages, or says no, they both mean "goodbye".

radix,
@radix@lemm.ee avatar

Small question: Why did you dodge “just about every question”? I think that would concern me more than any of the videos would if I were her. :(

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

My post wasnt very clear, I’m sorry. I did dodge questions initially, after she saw everything on youtube I told her most things she wanted to know. Also I broke up with my ex bc i was moving back to the country I’m in now and my gf knows this so she cant expect anything sus happening. I could try giving her all the information she wants, but I don’t think she’d like that. We also live in a culture with arranged marriages and no talks of exs. Plus there were some bizzare questions that I dont regret avoiding.

pjhenry1216,

From her perspective, her brain is basically responding in the same way as if she caught you having sex in person. I know you didn't cheat on her. She knows it too. But there's still a subconscious part that is going to respond that way because brains don't naturally understand video and real life. Depending on how new the relationship is, there may not be enough of a bridge to repair yet. Sometimes relationships fail through no fault of either party. Mistakes happen. It especially depends on how you acted on the relationship video and prank videos. Even if it was "for the camera", if you appear differently in those videos than now, she may not fully trust which version is you. It depends on how strong that foundation was beforehand and simply the ages of everyone involved. Young relationships are messy because no one has much life experience about what's happening, and a lot of times it's from TV, movies, and music.

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

Thanks yeah thats a good take. I do appear different in the videos so far as consistency is concerned. I am similarly a cringe hopeless romantic with my gf but thats a more consistent personality in those videos which is impossible to keep up in real life. Im sure a lot of other minor things about my personality have changed since too but that just happens.

OceanSoap,

My dude, you fucked up any trust you could have built with her when you “dodged just about every question” she asked about your ex.

If I asked about an ex and my boyfriend was dodgy about answering, and then I found a sex tape of them on his laptop, i wouldn’t trust you either.

You can talk all you want, but if your actions don’t match your words, that talk is useless. It means nothing.

From the way you speak about this, I get the feeling you kind if enjoy the drama. It’s good you deleted the video, but if this girl decides to stay with you, I’d make damn sure my actions matched up to my words.

SnokenKeekaGuard,
@SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

I dodged the questions before she had seen the yt videos, after that I was much more open woth information. I also no longer live in the country where my ex is, I moved back home. And I dont enjoy this drama, all it does is make me stressed throughout the day.

OceanSoap,

I know, that’s the problem. You sent up red flags by dodging questions about you ex in the first place. It makes everything after that way more sus than it should have been.

ivanafterall,
ivanafterall avatar

The answer is to explain all of this to her openly and honestly. If you do that and she truly can't accept the fact that you had an ex-girlfriend, that's a very different issue. Don't fall for the guilt and jealousy bullshit if that's what this is, at heart. Don't be evasive about it, but also don't let her weaponize your past as if you were wrong to have it.

FoundTheVegan,
FoundTheVegan avatar

Why are you dodging questions at all? Like I see you answering that question elsewhere that it's not culturally done with you to talk about exs.... But that kind of a BS excuse. No one anywhere enjoys talking about past partners. Everywhere it's normal for people not to talk about relationships You should've put on your big boy pants and told her straight up whatever was on her mind.

Relationships take trust and if you are being evasive when she is looking for info that's a hell of a red flag to her. End of the day, it just sounds like you got something to hide. Perhaps then she would believe an honest mistake finding a more intimate video.

Although, frankly, the fact that you kept it all post break up is kinda gross. When a relationship ends, EVERYONE needs to delete EVERY adult piece of media they have. The fact that you didn't do this post break up is kinda gross and a red flag all by itself.

Friend, you planted a lot of landmines for your self. It's not a huge suprise they are blowing up.

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