I mean at this point you should get a SSN card and a gun. If it is that important we should replace food and housing security programs with personal security programs. Whoever can afford the bigger gun is automatically the winner.
The Onion sent their journalists to the future to do actual journalistic work and sent them back to us to deliver news as satire. You can't convince me they do it any differently. Too many Onion articles turned out surprisingly close to home over time.
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