@mousebot but here, I'll give it a shot based on vibes
Plato: #Agda (the Idea of the Good, proto-Maoist non-conformists)
Aristotle: #C (arch reactionary)
Duns Scotus: #ASM (simple brittle concepts but with plenty of haecceity)
Spinoza: #CommonLisp (OG that everyone thinks is fresh bcs its dynamic)
Descartes: #MLIR (ghost in the machine)
Kant: #CPP (critique of Pure C)
Hegel: #Genera (the absolute Idea as self-reflective system)
Nietzsche: #Scratch (the primacy of appearances)
Marx/Lenin: #ML (self-explanatory)
Freud: #GDB (not phil, but rather the original debugger for all the problems of phil)
Heidegger: #forth (the anti-technology technologist's lang of choice)
Wittgenstein: #Prolog (all there is are the facts)
Stalin: #Haskell (forces you to do things "correctly" even when its neither the best option for the situation nor the most performant; the extreme ML)
Lacan: #rr (meta-debugging, non-linear retroactive causality of the signifier, on top of gdb)
Deleuze: #MaxMSP (thinks programming should be art, thinks art is about infinite flows, elaboration of Nietzsche)
Federici: #SpritelyGoblins (super witchey)
Derrida: #AWK (theres nothing outside the text)
Malabou: #Python (everything is neurobiological including language itself)
Badiou: #Scheme (the generic is the Idea of the Good)
Butler: #Rust (the new generation of Kantians doing things right, performatively)