What advice would you give to someone just starting out in a relationship?
Mine might sound kind of dark in relation to the question, but here goes:
People change, and they should, it's part of being a person. Some people are lucky, and they change in the same direction, but some don't, and that's okay too. There's no shame in leaving a relationship or changing the nature of a relationship that no longer serves you. We are all taught that every relationship, whether romantic or friendship, is supposed to last forever, but nothing is forever, and forcing something that no longer works, just ends in anger and bitterness. Knowing when to let go is as important as knowing when to hold on through a rough patch, and how to know either of those things is the most cliché advice of all, COMMUNICATE.
@RickiTarr it’s a ridiculous cliché, but incredibly many people don’t grasp this - your partner is not a mind reader or a glance interpreter, and it’s not a sign they don’t love or respect you
@RickiTarr Set ground rules for how you are going to argue. The average happy couple has a major dust up weekly and dissatisfied couples do every day. Conflict is normal, but don't make things worse by assuming a disagreement was caused by an inherent character flaw. Don't aggressively argue with an avoidant partner who needs to cool down first. Agree on how you'll disagree with ground rules in place so conflicts get resolved and you can get back to the good parts.
@RickiTarr I don’t think I’m qualified to answer this because I’m terrible at relationships (even though I’ve been married for like 18 years). I’ll advise everyone to BE HONEST; not only to your partner but to yourself too. A lot of times mistakes happen because we’re not honest about our own feelings
@RickiTarr what I’ve learned from watching my queer parents:
Conventional relationship rules can be a useful shorthand, but they can also be oppressive and constricting. If your relationship thrives when you live apart or whatever thing conventional wisdom says spells doom: do that thing. There’s no relationship police.
@RickiTarr It's what I told my son, if you have to "parent" that person or they you, then it is not a healthy relationship. Also imagine the thing they do that might be annoying to you and imagine it over and over (never changing) for the rest of your life. If you can imagine you can live with it as is... then plod on. If it isn't something you can tolerate, then end it.
XTC has a wonderful song called Big Day which I play often for it's points to consider.
@RickiTarr We like to joke that we got married after courting for 35 years, but a friendship had to be built and tested. At the end of the day, it was the only one to survive the test of time.
Interracial relationships have consequences, but there aren't any regrets. We know longer invest in pretendships.
The enduring love and respect we have for each other makes all the nonsense melt away, and keeps it away. That's a gift.
@RickiTarr That the way someone enters into and resolves conflict says volumes about them and their relationship to you.
A lot of people seem to think it's not normal or desirable to have conflicts with your partner, but my experience has been the opposite. Being able to disagree civilly and make up quickly afterwards is a much better indicator of a healthy relationship than never coming into conflict at all.
@seanpatrickphd Every time I meet a couple who says they never fight or have disagreements, I assume they call it something else or they are avoiding a whole lot of shit
@RickiTarr Don’t judge the quality of your relationship by how good the good times are. Judge it by how strong your communication and teamwork is through the bad patches. Don't commit legally to one another until you've gone through something truly rough together, and ended up stronger together because of it.
@RickiTarr when you said 'relationship' of course the default is the 'romantic' one. i think the handiest way to go by is to remember this quote "When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them." because if you don't and they betray you, it's not their fault for your ignoring the signs. I've been guilty of this like anyone has, and it goes for both friendships and romantic relationships. Never ignore your instincts. Don't accept the unacceptable.
@RickiTarr
I can't give advice here, but will forward advice I received from a teacher about 60 years ago. She survived invasion by the Nazis, years of refugee status with her son & husband, new home in the US, sudden death of her husband after reaching this golden shore.
Be prepared to take care of yourself and your children by yourself.
@RickiTarr
At some point, we all "stand alone" and do not know when it will be necessary. Death, divorce, disability, dementia - bad things happen, and life goes on. I think about your homelessness post from yesterday. With or without support systems, how will you cope with a sudden change? A relationship as a crutch is only that.
@RickiTarr I feel like perhaps I took this question larger than was intended and for that, I apologize.
When you said relationship - I immediately went into the realm of "intimate" but not necessarily sexually. A close friend, a "ride or die" companion, but not particularly a lover. Obviously it could be - but... yeah.
The advice I would give someone just starting to know someone is being authentic and expect the same. We live in a world of rationalization, justification and daily aggressors. We need to be authentic with each other if we are to be more than casually acquainted.
You shouldn't expected to know their deep dark secrets, but I think it is fair to want to understand someone and desire that level of intimacy with someone close.
@mentallyalex I think people treat them as more valuable because they think sex or children or a marriage license forces someone to stay with them, but real friends just stay
@RickiTarr
I recently came across someone talking a little bit about a quote attributed to the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche:
"Not the absence of love, but the absence of friendship makes the unfortunate marriages."
I would agree.
I remember when I was in college as a teen, I took a sociology class and on the subject, the professor said, "Find someone who is EXACTLY like you in every way, except the opposite sex. Or the same sex if that is who you are attracted to."
So I would tell someone who is ready to be in a romantic relationship... Be friends. Find your best friend because good, hard, strong friendship is the highest form of love.
The mistake I made was believing it was a "one time thing" or finding other ways to minimize what was happening. Thinking I was overreacting. I was constantly on the "cup-half-full" side of things.
Really hard lesson learned.
Wish I were an anomaly. But, sadly, I see it happen a lot with others. And it breaks my heart.
@VirginiaMurr My examples of relationships growing up were dysfunctional ones, it's very hard to unlearn those things, the relationships we see in TV and movies are often dysfunctional ones, and it's hard to unlearn those things.
@VirginiaMurr@RickiTarr Yes--if you are with someone and you tell them that they scared you or hurt you and they tell you not to feel that way, it's because it's going to happen a lot. They will not try to stop.
@RickiTarr I would give them a copy of "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It corrects so many myths about abuse, explaining clearly what abusers get out of it, and has a lot of clear bullet-point lists describing types of abuser.
So many people get trapped in these patterns. I've seen people lose years to it. A little awareness goes a long way.
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