Daughters and Fathers

This is a serious question, mostly addressed to the adult women among us but also to anyone else who has a stake in the matter.

What did your father do for you/not do for you, that you needed?

Context: I have recently become a father to a daughter, with a mother whose father was not around when she was growing up. I won’t bore you all with the details but our daughter is here now and I am realising that I’m the only one in our little family who has really had a father before. But I have never been a girl. And I know that as a boy, my relationships with my mother and father were massively influential and powerful but at the same time radically different to each other. People say that daughters and fathers have a unique relationship too.

Question: What was your father to you? What matters the most when it comes to a father making his daughter loved, safe, confident and free? To live a good life as an adult?

I’d like this to be a mature, personal and real discussion about daughters and fathers, rather than a political thing, so I humbly ask to please speak from the heart and not the head on this one :)

Thank you

P.S Apologies if this question is badly written or conceived; I haven’t been getting enough sleep! It is what it is!

frickineh,

Stand up to other men when they say or do shitty things. My dad was mostly a pretty good feminist and advocate and I know he believed I could do just about anything I set my mind to, but there were times when family members would say some really crappy things and he just kind of stood by for the sake of keeping the peace. I never shut my mouth in those instances, but it would’ve meant a lot if my dad had spoken up. I’m not saying it has to be a whole fight or anything, but even saying, “Hey, not cool,” helps. It shows that your support isn’t just lip service.

Alice,
@Alice@hilariouschaos.com avatar

Removed

FollyDolly,
@FollyDolly@lemmy.world avatar

Don’t be afriad to involve her in your stuff, even if it’s boy stuff. My dad taught me how to fix cars, wilderness survival, how to shoot guns, how to fix stuff, it didn’t matter that I was a girl, if I was interested he’d show me. I didn’t care that this was boy stuff, I just liked that I was helping dad.

With the bonus payoff of me being a rather handy cabable adult too! Although he did his fair share of playing Barbie and tea party as well.

She might not like all of your hobbies (I never liked fishing) but give it a shot! Don’t be afraid just bc some stuck up parents would be agast she’s learning to change the oil in the car.

einkorn,
@einkorn@discuss.tchncs.de avatar

With the bonus payoff of me being a rather handy cabable adult too!

Please extend your Dad my best wishes. I nearly lost my faith in humanity when my two female roommates called me over to change a lightbulb because “electricity is scarry”.

derivatives_are_hard, (edited )

Hope this is okay to respond but as a father to an adult daughter I have thought about this a lot. Our daughter is married, empathetic, and simply a nice person (also a productive member of society) and I think some of that has to do with how I made a concerted effort to make sure my relationship with her mother (my wife) was healthy. I treated my wife how I wanted my daughter to be treated, with respect, dignity, love, kindness, humor. All of those ways we want to be treated ourselves.

It wasn’t all roses though for sure. Sometimes it was hard and we fought like normal couples do and all that but we worked to get on the other side of those times. I made (wife did too) an effort to not carry contempt toward one another for too long. Limit the smart ass comments. No name calling ever. Try not to let contempt be in the tone of our voicees when we were fighting. We had or developed over time some ground rules for our marriage that engendered respect even when we were pissed or hurt and stuff. I think ensuring our kids saw that people can be humble, admit wrong, apologize, and then move on trying to be better sinks in.

It seems perhaps corny and maybe weird but I stuck with it and she grew up to be a great person. Sure she’s got her flaws and her challenges but she is a really good person at heart, and has a great relationship with her husband and with us. She’s tender toward animals and and toward genuine people and, maybe most importantly, she doesn’t play the victim. It’s neat to see. I like to think some of that is because I worked hard to be a good father figure. But I the eve of mother’s day in the US it’s also important to admit that her mom played a critical role as well.

So congrats on being a father. Yes, it is a weird and magical bond between my daughter and I. I think what she was looking for in her committed relationships was rooted in how her mom and I communicated and how she witnessed our relationship as she grew up.

Churbleyimyam,

Thanks for your comment :) Can I ask; what sort of ground rules did you have with your wife?

derivatives_are_hard, (edited )

It sounds more formal than I suppose it really was I think. But, a few things were kind of baseline assumptions we worked from. No name calling or snide insults in a hurtful manner. That seemed to be a really core value. We allowed apologies when they were needed after an argument and we allowed them without any eye rolling or derision. We tried to go to bed without contempt…certainly we could be irritated, maybe angry but that didn’t mean we didn’t like each other so it was a sort of neutral ground, in a way?

Trying to explain it seems so contrived and cringe but in my head, and believe in hers as well, we had some idea from our parents what we should try to avoid and that was our starting point. Our parents provided a model of what not to have in a marriage and so we talked a lot about that, especially when we first met.

Also, no TV in the bedroom. Ever.

These are still the set of guidelines we follow now. Even without the pressure of children.

other_cat,
@other_cat@lemmy.world avatar

I am a woman whose father was an abusive narcissist, the list of what I needed and didn’t get is depressing to say the least. So I’ll boil it down to its essence: Be there when needed. Remember she is her own person, not an extension of you. Try to make her life better than your own. Let your love be unconditional. It may not be helpful advice, but it’s all I got for ya.

Churbleyimyam,

Thank you

grasshopper_mouse,
@grasshopper_mouse@lemmy.world avatar

From a woman who’s father failed in many ways: Be present, be willing to listen, and actually give a damn. My father wasn’t any of those things when I was growing up, he just sorta came and went as he pleased and if he cared, he sure didn’t show it. I went NC with him from my teens until my 30s, and we now have a semi-decent relationship, but man, I will be forever jealous of those “Daddy’s girl” women who adore and admire their fathers and their fathers love them so much everyone can tell.

BonesOfTheMoon,

My mother has borderline personality disorder. She regards people as furniture she rearranges to suit her, or she tosses them out of her life and finds someone new, continually blowing through friend after friend. She regards her children and husband as extensions of her will. She’s dangerous and violent and manipulative. My father had a group of good friends when they met, and one by one she decided they weren’t good enough and eliminated them.

He just bends to her will no matter what it is. Sometimes he gets irritated and snaps back, but ultimately caves.

She forced my brother to pretend he wasn’t gay for years. She is now doing her best to break up his relationship apparently. I am estranged from them all. She is pathologically obsessed with my appearance, to the point where I cannot bear to be in the same room as her because she’s always scrutinizing every millimeter of me, be it negative or positive.

And he’s just forever let her. He knows full well what she does, and that it has permanently cost them their relationship with me. Yet if I talked to him about her behaviour he would just insist repeatedly that she loved me. She most certainly does not. She doesn’t love anyone really, she’s not capable. Her disorder can only be described as malignant.

Every year he calls me on my birthday, I have their number blocked but my carrier lets it go to voice mail and he leaves this pathetic message saying he misses me. But that doesn’t change that he does nothing to stand up to her or defend me.

So he was basically pointless in my life. We didn’t do anything together, he didn’t teach me anything or help me much.

RBWells, (edited )

I was closer to my dad than my mom. I think probably because he just seemed to accept and appreciate who I was when I was little. He would take me out for spicy food because he said without that I got irritable; called me a wee anarchist. When I was a teen he’d shave my head for me when I wanted a mohawk. Both my parents were teachers and so both were around and both cooked, etc. He died when I was 16, but I wouldn’t trade that for someone else who lasted longer. I wasn’t as close to my mom, we were just very different sorts of people.

I’m not sure it’s something you can force, the baby when she grows will likely be more like either you or her mother - if she is closer to her mom, being a good partner is the most important, and being there for if she needs to talk. Based on my individual experience I’d say buy her books and take her to eat at restaurants, lol, but all kids are different so I think the point is more to know her, so that you can do the things together that help her feel more confident being herself.

Oh - I just realized I also may have advice as a mom of daughters, since I married after having them, a man who was a single dad to his kids before and I see what he does for the girls, though I’m not sure they see it yet. They do see he would do about anything for me and they like that. He will always come pick them up in the car from wherever they are, goes to the school stuff and when the older ones were in college went with me to pick them up, drop them off, etc. Do not badmouth her dad, my husband actually pointed out to ME I was grumbling about their dad in front of them and he was right, don’t do that. Just be yourself, love her mom, you will grow to love the kid too.

Deway,

Ignore the vagina, treat that kid like the tiny human they are. Do the same things you would do if they had a penis, the world is sexist enough. And I’ll add a quote from the best of the Stars :

And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn’t mean I can’t handle whatever you can handle.

Deceptichum,
@Deceptichum@sh.itjust.works avatar

Ignore the vagina indeed.

insaneinthemembrane,

You’ll be the template for “man” so you need to be the man you want your daughter to have in her life. Important things like handling strong emotions, never overpowering her with your strength, and that kind of thing.

bradorsomething,

Hey, I have some simple advice, dad to dad. She’s going to start by copying everything you do, and you need to involve her, and make her feel involved, in those things so she learns them. Especially encourage that in doing the chores together and eating vegetables together.

As she gets older, the temptation to continue to guide her in directions you know will be fierce. But you need to help her explore things you don’t know, and tell her “I don’t know this, but what do you need to learn about it so I can help.”

Wes4Humanity,

Also, coping strategies… When you get stressed, let her see you deal with it in a healthy way, so she’ll learn how to deal with her own stress in a healthy way. If you don’t have healthy coping strategies, get a therapist and learn some.

ParabolicMotion, (edited )

I’d tell you, but it would be best to show you first with a cadaver dog and a walk around my parents’ place. Otherwise, no one would believe me.

The immediate downvotes are most likely my distant cousins who want me to stop talking about that. If there was nothing to hide, why downvote it? Why not bring out cadaver dogs and put me in my place by showing me I’m wrong?

porkchop,

One of the skills my dad taught me that I’ve been the most grateful for over the years that is generally considered a "male "skill is to take things apart and use tools to fix them. My dad has two daughters, so he showed us how to do the stuff he loved. Power tools, electrical work, not being afraid to take out the screw and see how it works and if you can fix it. Not as many things are simply mechanical as they were in the 90’s, but it taught me to be curious and unafraid of exploration and capable in a way that continually surprises the people around me.

bighatchester,

I’m a man but my dad was just not in my life at all and now I do my best to be in my son’s life as much as possible. His mother moved 2 hours away to a place that costs $50 every time you leave due to bridge fees so it’s not easy . But I video call with him almost every night he’s not with me and spend as much time with him I can . I think what really matters it that you are there for her . I think you are going to do great ! I have a daughter on the way too !

Churbleyimyam,

Thanks for your encouragement! And best wishes to you for the new one on the way :)

clark,
@clark@midwest.social avatar

For me, it means a lot when my dad can apologise and take accountability for his mistakes. Sometimes he can be very quick to judge, which can feel diminishing, but whenever he comes around and recognises his behaviour it always feels better. It shows me he’s had time to think and reflect on his own personality.

I guess it’s obvious that spending time and sharing hobbies is important. For example, my dad and I recently went to the cinema together to watch the new Planet of the Apes movie. We frequently send songs or posts of animals to each other. Small things like that are fun. It don’t need to be a full-on planned father/daughter day.

AnalogyAddict,

My dad is arguably not the best dad in many ways, but he taught me a solid work ethic, and most importantly, called 911 when I was attacked by my husband. The best thing a dad can do is teach his daughter how she should be treated by men.

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