hmmm… it was so long ago that i thought like that. i think i felt like i was too masculine to pass, and asked myself what the point of transitioning was if i didnt. this obviously was very untrue. i feel after being transitioned for 10+ years now, most binary trans people pass as cis after a long bout of hrt. of course passing is not the end all be all, though it does make life a bit easier in more transphobic areas.
i also had some bizarre ideas about how i needed to change my personality to be more feminine in order to be truly trans. also very silly, im just me but now everyone sees me as a woman, i didnt need to change anything about how i acted
Hard to tell, but considering this video is what caused my egg cracking, the video hit the nose on all the excuses I was using.
The main reason I thought I wasn’t trans before my egg-cracking is that I didn’t know what dysphoria looked like, and I didn’t think I experienced adequately severe dysphoria or that whatever gender in-congruence I felt was “clinically relevant” enough to count as trans.
I would read the DSM-V criteria and think “that doesn’t match my experiences”.
What helped change this (besides those Transition Channel youtube videos) was reading The Gender Dysphoria Bible, reading Julia Serano (esp. Whipping Girl and Sexed Up), reading Mia Violet’s Yes, You are Trans Enough, and reading peer reviewed journal articles, like Dick Swaab’s work (e.g. this 2008 article).
My egg cracking as far as I remember started as a very sudden out of the blue thought of “You’re a girl” while I was just sitting in class and that thought just kept repeating constantly in my head for weeks. It was so loud I could hardly think of anything else.
I was very confused and afraid about what it meant but I didn’t push it away and I spent a lot of time thinking about it and experimenting with my gender and about 1 month later I accepted myself as a trans woman.
I don’t remember thinking that I couldn’t be a trans woman, but I remember slowly edging towards it, and I first considered myself to be a femboy, then a demigirl, and then finally arriving at trans woman.
I had a similar trajectory of trying out different “labels”
I went from questioning, to non binary, to some sort of femme non binary, femboy, demi, trans woman.
Sometimes we need to inch closer and closer until we realize we finally know who we are.
Plus I find it generally gives us a little more empathy for all types of identities. Even if they weren’t the “right fit” for us, doesn’t mean we can’t empathize and celebrate those folk who find themselves elsewhere on the spectrum :)
Then one day someone was interested, but not just that. She was also genuinely emotionally available and I knew that’s what I wanted.
Up until that point I had only been with emotionally reserved women. After a lot of consideration I figured out that that wasn’t for me any more.
But… for some unexpected reason I was overcome by fear, and I just stood there all frozen. I knew I was ready and got lucky and wanted to connect, but I was just so deeply frightened somehow. It was confusing and I gave her short answers. I felt bad for her.
I waited for her to leave. After like 15 minutes or so she finally got the message and left. I didn’t want her to leave.
It confused me and that’s when I realized it was simply because I couldn’t show my true self and my emotions.
After that I started taking it very seriously and within months my egg cracked, and I realized how sad my life would be without me.
Thanks! What’s weird is that I always considered myself to be authentic, and I received compliments along those lines too. Being human is a tricky business.
What’s also weird is that right at this moment I’m both depressed and the happiest I’ve ever been. Cuz I’m healing!
“This would be the finishing blow to my pathetic career, who would hire/contract a weirdo like me?” Yeah turns out it didn’t hurt my career in any way and reasonable people only look at results.
I just wanted to deny it because being trans is kinda scary, even after accepting myself there is still some doubt from time to time that I’m just faking it (I know this is normal thing for trans people so I try to ignore it).
How pricy can that get? I know i want to get electrolysis for the “bits” because I know I’ll probably want that done long term; I’ve got a decent amount of options for laser in my area right now and if it’s affordable enough I’d consider both
So… I did laser first & tried to get as much as cleared as possible, before going to electrolysis. (Above the belt, here. Went all electro downstairs). Those sessions were like $150/hr, + tip, & this was in LA back in 2010.
When I switched to electrolysis, it was $95/hour, and the shop was east coast, in NC.
All in, I think my count was 8-10 hours with laser & another half dozen for electrolysis.
All of that said, each shop will set their own pricing, & I used to be really damn hairy…
One thing I’ll mention is that I’ve heard bad things about Groupon/package type deals, with people feeling they did not get their money’s worth. I guess just be careful buying into a package of sessions, without having test run first.
Also, there is prescription grade numbing cream that is 20% Benzocaine, 8% Lidocaine, & 6% Tetracaine, in a lipoderm cream. I had to show those numbers to my doctor & get them to call it into a compounding pharmacy, because it’s not readily available.
Insurance would not cover, so it was like $60 out of pocket if I remember right, but it was worth it. It was still painful, but the prescription grade stuff was light years ahead of anything store bought that I tried.
Totally understand, I am currently massively hairy, and it grows back stupidly fast and thick.
Electro place I’m eyeing runs about $85 a session. I’ve got decent pain tolerance and a pretty good likelihood of that “red hair anesthetic resistance” so idk how effective a numbing cream would be. For an ingrown toenail, they had to come back 3-4 times with injections to numb my big toes
Thanks! I feel like it’s worth every second of pain. I’m definitely under no illusions for that. Videos of it kinda look like a reverse tattoo in a weird way.
The old classic “I’m way too masculine to transition so I’d never be happy with myself, may as well tough it out”. And in retrospect it was full-on denial, I’m pretty much as androgynous as someone who’s gone through male puberty can get lol
“Everybody wishes their body had completely different (smaller) proportions, that’s completely normal.
Everybody is uncomfortable with body hair, it’s just super normalized to not say/do anything about it.
It’s completely normal to not relate all that well with other dudes.
It’s completely normal to react to other dudes being jealous of [insert masculine feature] (giggity) with a halfhearted chuckle, then divert the conversation.”
That time period where I would take tweezers and rip out every last hair around my nipples while going through puberty. For like 2 years. Before I gave up and accepted yeti-ism.
Oof, I did that, didn’t want to shave because was worried it would be itchy and painful but couldn’t stand the damn hairs on my aerola. So I plucked those.
Recently found out about Lpi and am now working on completely ridding myself of almost all hair from my neck down.
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