PhD #trans girl! She/Her, thing explainer and technical writing scholar interested in trans usability studies and design theory. Gender questioning folks are very welcome to message me! โข Married. Opinions mine.
Okay, I'm doing one of those anonymous AMA thingies! I'm using Google Forms instead of that one app, but it's still 100% anonymous, and I'll be checking and posting replies over the course of the day.
"What words do you appreciate in compliments from other women and what words are ick?"
Honestly, very little in terms of compliments from ladies or enbies bothers me. People hitting on me overtly isn't an ick, per se, but it's very unwelcome because I'm partnered and in love. It more of a boundary violation/rudeness--like if you're hanging out at a bar and some drops a pickup line and you go "Not interested, thanks," that's fine. They had no way of knowing you didn't want that.--
"Okay, an answer to another question made me think of a new question. Did you think of yourself as ace before you realized you were trans? If not, is it something you have recognized in your pre-comprehending self after? If either, how have things changed for you since?"
I discovered I was demisexual a little less than a year into transition, and it wasn't until I was that far in that I could untangle my gender envy from my attraction. Sorta the old lesbian" do I want to be--
"My last question spawned a worry that spawned another question. Been day drinking, and it made me worry whether I articulated my previous question well, but also made me remember that you wrote that you were averse to any intoxication prior to transition. 1) Has that changed? 2) curious to hear more about that fear? Personally, I craved and embraced intoxication of all forms.--
--I deeply feared dancing, though. Also NEVER wore the color pink, and probably there were a lot of other things I avoided instinctually in order to preserve my mask. "
Yeah, I'm still pretty much a teetotaler. Mind altering crap of any type I've tried makes my head feel VERY icky, from cough syrup on up. Aside from that, though, was the gut deep, trauma based, fear that people only liked the mask, not the real me.
"Person from the kinky question, sorry. I didn't think of that aspect. Ofc i would want you to respect your wives privacy. I never asked for their use with your partner. Anyhow interesting answer. I see how some toys definitely would imply involvement of another. Take care. I didn't mean to pry and no need to respond to this. "
It's all right, and I want to be clear on that. I could've pretended that I hadn't gotten the question. ๐
"I've had people tell me gender identity is an internal constant. I've also talked with people who feel invalidated by that. I want to believe it, though, because I can't face the idea of having made myself this way when I could have been happy as [current gender]. Thoughts? "
Oof, that's an understandable fear.
We know, stone cold, that you can't make a cis person trans or vice versa. That means gender is innate. We also know that for some people, gender is not a constant.--
--We know this because genderfluid people exist. We know that, for some people, gender is a constant, because for some people gender is very not fluid.
That's why I like innate, rather than constant. It's an inherent part of whoever you are, and it may or may not shift over time. But regardless of that, it's not something a person can change if they want to.
"As someone who is planning to transition once they go to collage in a few months, is there anything I should keep in mind about transitioning there, or just advice for collage in general?"
Join your campus' LGBT+ group or center! They'll be able to help you! And consider carefully who you're out to and when, if you're reliant on unsupportive parents financially.
It's super worth it! Buuuuut there can be some extra stress and logistics.
"Damn I'm the one who messed up my message!! I wanted to add that your 7 parts article about your own discoveried deeply resonated with me and opened me up on my own gender path. I'll forever remember it and I'm deeply grateful for your work on this! I wish you all the best!! "
Awwwwww ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ๐๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
I never expected that that story would help other people hatch. I just thought it'd make people like me, who had never known, feel less alone. ๐
"IIRC you've written about this sort of thing before- any advice on how to go to bat with an insurance company about gender-affirming care? I'm hoping to get laser hair removal on my face and would prefer it to be covered, but my insurance provider doesn't currently cover it and I don't even know where to start "
First, submit the claim. When it gets denied, appeal the denial and cite WPATH SoC8. Provide supporting documentation. And pray. Laser is basically never covered.
There'll be multiple appeals for you go through. Always ask for it to be reviewed by an outside expert to determine medical necessity as a treatment for gender dysphoria. You'll need to eventually appeal to your state medical regulator, which will be your best shot.
"How do you feel about heeled boots like thigh high boots? I love them, made me, well me."
I love them and hate that they're never snug all the way up, because I have very muscular legs from all the skating. As a result, I usually stick to ankle booties.
"As someone who only awakened late in life, do you struggle with regret about having "wasted" your youth pretending to be cisgender? Is there anything that helps you deal with that regret? Do you ever worry your hurting your personal development attempting to recapture lost youth? How do you deal with those feelings?"
I did. Me being me, I dealt with it by writing about it.
The thing is to make peace with the truth that the path you're on is the golden path. The best possible future. Your denial and repression protected you when you needed it, and it protected you from a lot of very very bad ends.
It's a hard pill to swallow.
But the first rule of good writing, and good living, is to never let the dream of the impossible perfect become an enemy of the real good.
"Same person as laser insurance question- wdym by "supporting documentation"? I've never been formally diagnosed with gender dysphoria (not doing anything else medical at the moment) and have no idea how that works ๐ "
See a gender therapist for a session or two and get a diagnosis letter and a letter saying that the laser is medically necessary for resolving your gender dysphoria. Be up front about the reason you're asking for a session. There'll be plenty of therpists--
"What should you look for in an SLP for transfemme voice? I've been seeing an SLP my DO recommended, but every session has been "what do you want to work on today?" followed by just looking at my pitch with VoiceTools. I've spent six months just sort of floundering with no overarching guidance =\ "
They should be proactively advertising that they're trained in trans voice, and pitch is the least important part. Reach out to your local trans support group and see who people--
--whose voices you like recommend. Call some SLPs a d ask not if they know how to work with trans people, but if they have specific training in trans voice. Ask where they received that training. Anyone with it will be able to answer in detail easily.
"Same person who asked about collage, as someone who is reliant on a mostly unsupportive parent for financial reasons in collage, how would I about transitioning without getting their attention, especially if one is on the same insurance as them?"
Okay, it's time to learn Operational Security 101.
Rules:
Everything that leaves a paper trail either has a more likely alternate explanation OR physically cannot go beyond you.
