I’m sure lots of ADHDers know what I mean. Situations where you’re not meaning ill intent, but the way that a situation turns out makes it seem like you’re the bad guy/girl.
How do you handle the situation without seeming like a victim or that you’re making excuses for yourself? Do you explain the situation or just accept it and hope that enough time will reveal your true character?
Mostly I am taken for an idiot because people can’t detect that a remark is humorous unless you’re being extremely obvious about it, and I have a very deadpan delivery, and generally dry and low key humor.
It’s very frustrating trying to socialize with people I don’t know good enough yet for them to know this, everyone just takes me at face value and then thinks I’m stupid.
I did have plenty of the awkward situations you’re describing myself when I was younger though. It’s such a revelation once you get your diagnosis and realize that, in fact, you are perceiving the world differently than neurotypical people.
@GregorGizeh@PlanetOfOrd You're not alone. One of my trademark humor formulas is to take the current topic and make a ridiculous statement. If people don't know me well enough they either think I'm lying for no reason, or are surprised that what I said is a true thing, and then I have to " no not really, I was just trying to make a joke"
Yup. I’ve been doing this my whole life and am just learning how common this is. A lot of people have told me they believe I’m very smart. And others for sure have thought I’m the dumbest person in the room. And it’s probably this that has been causing that. 🤣
Kon: We primarily handle it by not giving a single flying fuck. We go about doing as we do with all the subtlety of a jackhammer, and if someone has a problem with that, they can say it to our face.
Make a deadpan joke, remain silent, expect nothing in return. Dread. Internally scream for a few seconds, then realize you don’t really care that much. End up with a muted meh.
I talk less. I find that people like to talk over me constantly and interrupt, so I generally let them run with the rope until it hangs them. If I can get a word in edgewise, I’ll give my 2 cents, but the quality of my answer if they’re incapable of listening, is far less engaged than if the opposite were true. When that’s the case, my responses are matter-of-fact and stripped to the barebones due to lack of interest, and trying to get my core points across.
I find that I write far better than I speak and as I get older, I care less and less about how someone perceives me, which has been a bit freeing.
I think it’s also worth remembering that there are always people around who are malicious, and who will always deliberately misconstrue your words for some kind of personal gain - whether from gossip, or from acting morally superior, or just to make themselves feel better by insulting others.
There’s not much you can do about that, but it will always happen.
I think I you have to come to terms with it because you can’t please all of the people all of the time.
I’ve found that the best way is to explain myself like I’m 5. If somebody gives me a weird look after I give a dead pan joke, I’ll stop what I’m saying and go “oh, sorry, I’m a very dead pan person and I was trying to make a joke, I guess it didn’t come off that way, my mistake!”
Sure, at first it sounds weird or unnatural but I find that this has worked out better for me rather than staying quiet and blaming them for not appreciating my sense of humor.
I’d rather kill a joke rather than be disrespectful. The sooner you learn this, the happier your life will be and more people will enjoy having you around.
I apologize and that wasn’t my intention to make it sound that way. It just work most of the time, when it doesn’t I try to check if the person is using it as an excuse if they do, probably is not a good idea to continue thta relationship. If no I apologize again, but is not too much you could do about.
Perhaps we are being mean tho, don’t underestimate how mean one could be by being ignorant and inpulsive at the same time. Hahaha 'nt
As a person without ADHD, I handle my reaction to it by apologizing for misunderstanding, and then moving on. Even if the misunderstanding doesn’t seem to be my “fault”, taking the blame is a small price to pay in order to keep things relaxed.
I know it’s got to be incredibly embarrassing and frustrating, but I also know that I can’t really understand what it’s like to have ADHD. I just try to make it clear that I’m not upset (while at the same time not dwelling on it) and I try to make the other person as comfortable as possible. These things happen.
Every time it happens I end up feeling like an idiot, being percieved as awkward and verbally clumsy, and I feel guilty about having ruined the conversation. I haven’t found a good way to cope with it yet … but it’s one of the reasons why I prefer things like SMS, email and chat for communication rather than talking to others directly. I can delete and rewrite text as often as I want to until it reads okay, but I can not rehearse an entire conversation beforehand and then just rewind whenever I said something that “doesn’t fit”, so I have to deal with the consequences. Smalltalk with coworkers is the worst.
One thing that’s helped me out with verbal clumsiness is trying to use my hands more when I talk, it gives me an extra layer of conveyance and I kind of engage more with what I am saying as I say it, YMMV though
It depends. When it comes to friends and family, it’ll sort itself out. People who will make a fool of you for it will generally not be worth keeping around and even if you try to save them, the relationships will likely rust until they die anyway. I find it mentally too exhausting to keep interacting with people with whom the experience is a pain 90% of the time for some fun for 10% of the time. Of course, when it comes to people in power, you can’t really cut them out of your life. In that case, it’s worth working to make them understand. That being said, you probably know already you shouldn’t degenerate to writing everything off as your mental illness and avoiding working on yourself. Which is hard to do, I don’t know how to do it either.
I am struggling deeply with this now. I have found that trying to justify or explain what happens normally just falls on deaf ears and seems like I’m making excuses. I seem to continue to have this happen and it’s sort of started to become my true colors. I would suggest being accountable. Even if you mean well, and are not at fault or whatever it’s good to own the issue and work to move past it. Making excuses or explaining often just looks like you are trying to buck the blame.
Idk if I’m the best person to advise on this but that is my mentality moving forward!
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