My husband unilaterally ended our relationship about 6 months ago, but we still live together. We have 3 kids. For the long term, we brainstormed either living together, or getting two places very close to each other. We never agreed on either, but we agreed we would decide future housing together.
I cannot stay by myself in our condo b/c it's university housing (he's faculty). A few months ago, I saw a place a few blocks from our home. I thought it would be great for all of us if I moved there and that he would agree, and I contacted the landlord. My husband was furious. He asked me to promise to never sign a lease without asking him. I refused. That day, he told me "I would never do this, but I could contact that landlord and tell him that you are having custody issues." I backed off and said I wasn't planning on signing any leases.
(I do the vast majority of the childcare outside of the kids' school hours, so my guess for why he was furious is that he wants to be able to easily see the kids for an hour or two here or there, and still be able to work as much as he wants to. But I don't know.)
Since that comment, which I would consider a threat or veiled threat, he has proposed many arrangements where we live together, including one where we build a wall in our 2BR condo and we build a kitchenette for me (and he keeps the kitchen). I've said that I don't like any of these arrangements and that I think it's very rare for people to divorce and live together for 10 years. And I said I wanted to look for two places close to each other, which he doesn't want.
I felt we were at an impasse. But I felt that if I told him I was going to get my own place, he might make it very hard as per his threat; and there are few options close to our condo to begin with. So I found a place nearby and signed a lease and will tell him very soon.
AITA for breaking our agreement to decide together, and for going behind his back?
You said that you wanted to move out and he threatened you. He’s obviously not going to agree to what you want which would mean that he automatically gets what he wants.
You two are divorced. In fact it would be usual that everyone lives separate. The easy thing to do is: don’t tell until everything is fixed. He keeps living where you currently are, you find a place nearby (which is a courtesy, actually). Nearby for the kids, that they can visit you both without much struggle, but separate for your well-being.
NTA. He ended the relationship, you have no obligation to stay with him. It may be wise for you to start handling the legal aspects of this if you haven’t already. Get a lawyer and make some formal custody agreements would be a good start if you haven’t.
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