This is a question that I ask myself often, probably because of the trauma I suffered.
I believe this concern about whether I am an asshole comes from innumerable times when I was unjustly labeled an asshole. Over time, I internalized the accuser’s voices, and now I ask myself whether I am, in fact, an asshole.
Let me tell you a little story. About two weeks and a half ago, I had a great date with a submissive girl. She was about all I wanted in a partner. She was autistic, like I am. Her autistic traits were different from my own. We had a wonderful weekend together. When I asked her how she felt, she said that she felt content. These were her words.
At the end of our date, a crisis happened in her family. Her family is not anywhere nearby. Still, it was a serious situation. The last I heard from her was that she had arrived home safely. Then, she went silent. I have not heard from her since our date. Is she okay? Is the crisis over? Did she travel several states away to be with her family? I have no idea.
When things like this happen, my mind goes into high gear. She was content. I gave her my all. I was kind. Still… did I… did I manage to put her off somehow? Did I do something that I did not notice? Am I the asshole?
Lest you think that I’m being dramatic with the worry about doing things that I did not notice, I’ll remind you that I’m now divorced, due, mostly, to my ex-wife not being able to handle my autistic traits. If she was annoyed with me, she’d glare. I would not be able to read her glares. Then she’d accuse me of deliberately ignoring her glares. Conversely, I accuse her of imagining that she glared. Yes, I’m quite capable of unwittingly putting off people, even ND people. My ex-wife has ADHD.
I’d like to think that I would act superbly in all possible situation. Alas, I know that’s not the case. I have sometimes not acted superbly. I was not acting like a monster, but I still managed to hurt people around me, sometimes the very people that I adored. I’ve sometimes managed to be the asshole.
I think as a response to the trauma that I suffered, and the fact that I don’t always act superbly, my brain likes to compare my actual behavior to that of complete shitbags. I can’t help it. That’s how my brain works.
Let me give you an example. During the date with the girl above, we went to have coffee. We sat at a table, and we chatted for a bit and drank. She pulled out her phone, and started reading a manga. I’ve been in the NT world long enough to know that if she had been on a date with an NT individual, that person would have interpreted it as her not being interested in the date. For my part, I did not make a fuss. I just continued talking to her, and enjoying her company.
Something similar happened later when I proposed to watch a movie. She said she was reading. I thought she meant that she did not want to watch the movie. No biggie. A bit later, I suggested putting on a TV show, because I had figured that perhaps the specific movie I had picked was not titillating her. She said she was still reading but that I could put it on and that she had the ability to watch TV and read at the same time.
Fair enough, I don’t have this multitasking capability. Let’s go back to the episode at the coffee shop. Would it have served me anything to get angry? No. Both episodes, however, would have been likely to cause ire in an NT person. Yes, I compare my behavior to those of NT folks. Again, I can’t help it. I don’t decide to do this. It just happens. What I do decide to do is to not engage in those destructive behaviors.
I sometimes wonder if I am going to be the asshole, even in situations that haven’t happened yet. I’m pansexual, but I’ve been with exactly one man. He is trans too. We had a nice couple of days together, but prior to this happening, I was wondering… Would I say or do something to turn him off. I had never been in that situation before. So I was comparing myself, again, to dirtbags. Was I going to be the asshole when we’d be together?
I was once explaining to a group of people that someone had ghosted me after one night of sex, but that I had decided not to go after her. Those people took me to task immediately. Why would I even decide not to go after her, unless I were some sort of monster who does actually stalk people. Hmm… let provide an explanation. First, as I said above, I cannot help compare myself to dirtbags. I don’t decide this. Second, I’m a software engineer. I’ve actually done things that would allow me to stalk someone if I wanted to. Doing those things does not require mental effort. I’ve not stalked anyone, but I could super easily do it if I wanted to.
I have an expression for what those people did to me: karmic shaming. People think of karma as this special force, but it is really just the conditioning that we receive as we grow up. I have the karma of someone who compares himself to shitbags. I also have the karma of a software engineer. This is my conditioning. I cannot help it. Shaming me about having this karma is not helpful.
I’m usually not the asshole, but I keep asking myself, even in situations where I shouldn’t: am I, in fact, the asshole? Did I do something I did not notice?
My husband unilaterally ended our relationship about 6 months ago, but we still live together. We have 3 kids. For the long term, we brainstormed either living together, or getting two places very close to each other. We never agreed on either, but we agreed we would decide future housing together.
I cannot stay by myself in our condo b/c it's university housing (he's faculty). A few months ago, I saw a place a few blocks from our home. I thought it would be great for all of us if I moved there and that he would agree, and I contacted the landlord. My husband was furious. He asked me to promise to never sign a lease without asking him. I refused. That day, he told me "I would never do this, but I could contact that landlord and tell him that you are having custody issues." I backed off and said I wasn't planning on signing any leases.
(I do the vast majority of the childcare outside of the kids' school hours, so my guess for why he was furious is that he wants to be able to easily see the kids for an hour or two here or there, and still be able to work as much as he wants to. But I don't know.)
Since that comment, which I would consider a threat or veiled threat, he has proposed many arrangements where we live together, including one where we build a wall in our 2BR condo and we build a kitchenette for me (and he keeps the kitchen). I've said that I don't like any of these arrangements and that I think it's very rare for people to divorce and live together for 10 years. And I said I wanted to look for two places close to each other, which he doesn't want.
I felt we were at an impasse. But I felt that if I told him I was going to get my own place, he might make it very hard as per his threat; and there are few options close to our condo to begin with. So I found a place nearby and signed a lease and will tell him very soon.
AITA for breaking our agreement to decide together, and for going behind his back?
So, the Karen came after me again today, AND I heard from the park people.
She came after me twice, screaming about committing a felony and police calls and having me on video. I told her to stop harassing me and to leave me alone, I also mocked her to the extent of my morning brain's capacity.
Spoiler: she didn't leave me alone.
An animal control officer got back to me, and after the required transfers and telling my ridiculous story multiple times, was told that they have no idea which government body is supposed to be in charge of setting the rules.
However, the park office team that maintains it said nothing but gravel is supposed to be in that area of the park, and they have entered a work order to officially remove ALL the weeds.
So now there will be no more sunflowers, fox tails, thistles, or other weeds. Super big win, because I couldn't pull all the fox tails myself.
The park office will get back to me after the holiday with any info they can dig up about who actually sets the rules for that particular park, but the issue is as settled as it is going to get.
The official on the phone said she hopes that having an official team remove all the weeds will get the Karens to leave me alone, and the animal control officer said if she comes after me again to not hesitate to call dispatch for harassment. I did snap a pic of the sign and of her license plate, in case I end up skewered in a ditch somewhere.
Hopefully I have properly applied the metaphorical blood on my lintel, and the Weed Avenger can pass by and leave me alone henceforth.
I was wondering why there’d be massive thorned plants inside a dog park anyways, because it seems like a bit of a liability. I personally love wild flowers and sunflowers but there shouldn’t be a hazard in a place where dogs are zooming. It sucks for the local pollinator population, though.
AITA for ripping up wildflowers and stirring up the Karen brigade?
I'll try to keep this short. A local dog park has three areas, two of which are for large/ active dogs. The front area is watered, grass, and maintained. The back area is gravel, and the weeds are allowed to grow at will. This part of the park is surrounded by empty fields on three sides, so the weeds are plentifully available.
Some of these weeds are wild sunflowers, which I enjoyed until my dog got stabbed by the dried up stems last year. One stab wound was 12 inches deep, running along the inside of her skin and over the muscle and bone. You could see her ribs in the gash. That was about $800 to fix. The second was more superficial, so I treated it myself. That second time was when I realized what caused the injury.
So this year, not wanting any dogs to be injured again, I started slowly ripping up the seedlings as they came in. No one has ever asked me about it.
This morning, there was a red marker laminated sign hole punched and zip tied to the fence saying "Please don't pick the sunflowers, other people enjoy them."
I laughed it off, and grabbed a couple more sprouts as I was picking up my and others' dogs' poop. A woman passing by said to me "did you see the sign?"
I said "yes, it's hilarious," and explained why I was removing them.
She said "well, MY dogs enjoy them."
I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but as she walked away, I realized it must have been her and this other old lady at the park that I've had situations with before. The other lady started taking pictures or video of me and my dogs.
There are no policies or laws posted against what I'm doing that I know of. I reached out to the park office this morning to ask if I should stop, so hopefully they will hear my message and I'll get some info from them.
In the meantime, am I a raging AH? It never occurred to me that people would get upset about removing a hazard like that until this "confrontation."
This happened a while ago and is potentially an ongoing issue, so I figured I could kick us off.
This is between me (31F) and my sister (36F).
I'm studying to become a gemologist. I've completed about 90% of the coursework and have a ton of new knowledge and even a decent amount of practical experience. I don't make myself out to be an expert, but I definitely know a lot more than the average person and maybe even some jewelers.
So my sister and I were talking on Zoom and I mentioned something cool I saw recently. She said "Oh! I have this ring and it's a star opal, what does that sound like to you?" Completely automatic, unfiltered, I replied with "Sketchy." She got a little annoyed and told me she would get it so she could show me (through Zoom.) Thing is, star opal isn't... real. Not in the same way that you see star sapphires. They don't have the crystal structure or formation conditions for it. So she shows me via zoom and I say "That's really pretty, but I really don't think that's opal since they don't form that way, maybe it's something else." She got defensive and said that her friend got it for her in Thailand (not confidence-inspiring tbh) and that it was just something I haven't seen before. I ended up telling her I'd look at it the next time I see her or something.
AITA for calling my sister's ring sketchy? WIBTA if she shows it to me again of her own volition and I tell her what it actually is (probably glass)?
She asked how It sounded to you, so she asked for your personal or professional opinion.
Sketchy is the perfect therm to describe something bought at a touristy place without outright saying it is fake prior to further examination, especially if you know it is very very rare.
If I would be asking a friend to examine something I owned, I would appreciate a genuine reply.
I left Reddit after /u/spez continued to lie about the changes being made to the API. After finding kbin I wanted to read more AITA posts like I could on Reddit, but after finding none I created this magazine at https://kbin.social/m/amitheasshole so that I could encourage others to make such posts.
I could have waited for long-standing Reddit moderators to come here and make it but I skipped the line to do it myself. AITA for not waiting?