Today is a rare day. If I could feel this way all the time, I could be consistently productive & functional and have healthy relationships.

This is a heartbreaking tragic disease.

We might look so good on the surface, we might pass job interviews, people see us on our good days, and then they see us fall apart and wonder what the fuck is wrong with us.

And then we bounce back and we’re fine again and by then everyone has given up on us.

But I don’t want to talk about that right now. I’m having a really good day!

there are no pictures of me laying in bed sweating unbathed for weeks, unbrushed teeth for weeks, certain I’m about to die and I can’t even move or call anyone because I’m already dead, there’s no one to call anyway,

I am alone ALL THE TIME It’s emotionally killing me, but who took those pictures? The first three pictures were from a tripod I had set up, the last picture some creepy guy I met while I was hiking alone in Oregon, He had a whole kit of professional camera equipment because he was taking pictures of the waterfalls and he wanted to take pictures of me. thankfully he didn’t murder me, I got out of there quickly.

I’m lonely as hell but the only men who ever approach me are creeps and psychopaths, yes I’ve learned the hard way and I know how to identify them now. I’d rather be alone than be with someone like that.

Right here is the relationship of my dreams and I cry when I see things like this and I instantly get angry and my first thoughts are “fuck them. fuck their happiness.” Because I went for years being optimistic & cheerful & Knowing that positive thoughts and manifestations make wishes come true, but that just hasn’t happened and everyone around me is happy , everyone is in love and has someone to cuddle with every night, and instead of hoping I will ever have that after decades of loneliness, the loneliness numbs you after a while and you forget how to function without being lonely all the time and I’ve turned inward And every time I see a happy couple it literally makes me sick now. Like nauseous & an earthquake in my soul.

So why don’t decent men approach me? Because I have bipolar disorder and it shows. So if I’m going to be mentally ill, I’ve been having to go it alone, because I don’t want to be with people like me, and although more than anything I crave a relationship with a trusted caring supportive neurotypical person, Those people intimidate me and I can’t even engage in conversation with them, I feel I don’t deserve to be with neurotypical people because neurotypical people deserve to be with their own kind.

I digress… BIPOLAR DISORDER…the only way anybody would find my dead body is if things start to decay around me or if I miss work, Then police would do one of their welfare checks and find my rotting dead body. But that hasn’t happened yet, The only thing that gets me begrudgingly out of bed during those times is the urgency to pee or poop, and I fear someday in the future not even those urgencies will be able to get me out of bed.

can you believe the girl in those pictures up there is the same person described in that paragraph up there?

okay but let me repeat: I’m having a really good day right now! 😄