Wanting something desperately but not ready now?

Franzia, 6 months ago

I’ve looked into more ways to transition pre-HRT and for what its worth its helped me think more about this stuff. Given me more mental surface area around the whole thing. There’s a lot of info out there about how to change your appearance in any way that you like. Something called Trans Imposter Syndrome might be worth looking into, if you happen to feel uncomfortable again.

onevia, 6 months ago

Thank you, I’m definitely going to look into it as I’m having some days where I feel like an imposter. But I feel even more like an imposter presenting more masculine so it’s like “well what am I then?!”

I’ve looked into a lot of things like vocal training and am starting my clothing exploration with the help of my wife. Just trying not to get to ahead of myself as I tend to spiral when doing that. Especially the social coming out part. I am terrified of being clocked as trans in public especially with where I live and my work life.

Franzia, 6 months ago

Your safety comes first!

Lumelore, 6 months ago

Even though I came out to myself at 16 it took me until I was 20 to start HRT. I experienced that as well, even with just going to buy women’s clothes in person. I went to the store walked around for a few minutes and left. I was so afraid at first but I also felt really dysphoric about wearing men’s clothes so I went back and eventually I wasn’t afraid anymore. I remember feeling that way about getting HRT too, but after I made the appointment I was so happy, although I had a few doubts on the day of if I should really be doing it but I went in anyway and after the appointment my mother told me she hadn’t seen me so happy since I was just a little kid.

onevia, 6 months ago

Thank you for this. After reading about the possible side effects and changes to my body I don’t necessarily want right now (lower libido and other sexual changes) it got me worried that I wasn’t really sure what I was getting myself into I guess. Also, I may want a second child some day and def don’t have the funds for a sperm bank right now, lol

I think it’s definitely something in my future and I want to look and present more feminine. But Im just not there yet and I’m trying to understand that doesn’t mean I’m not trans or not wanting it. I just have to work up to it.

Really glad to hear it made a big difference in your life ❤️ I’ve been really dysphoric about my wardrobe ever since I came out but also terrified about getting into women’s clothing. So I’m starting slow with some feminine panties and a couple shirts I can wear around the house. Glad to hear I’m not the only one that even has some issues with being confident enough to start dressing more affirming. Even when the dysphoria is tough to get through :/

Lumelore, 6 months ago

Thanks for the positive words! I honestly don’t think the lower libido is as bad as it seems but it depends on the person. For me I’d say mine about halved but I’ve heard that progesterone can bring it back up. Other than that I haven’t had any sexual changes that I see as negative, except for that I will probably never have bio kids lol. Taking it slow with wearing femme clothes around the house is a good way to build up confidence. I did that for about two years before I finally went outside in femme clothes for the first time. Dysphoria tends to push you to do things you are afraid to do or not feeling ready to do yet because you get to a point where you can’t take it anymore. I know you want to wait to maybe have a second kid but if your dysphoria gets bad enough it might force you to make a decision earlier than you wanted to, if mine wasn’t so bad I would have waited longer to do sperm banking. I wish you well on your future transition endeavors!

onevia, 6 months ago

Yeah that makes sense. I know I have aspects of dysphoria that have really ramped up since self accepting. Particularly body hair. I’ve always hated the amount of hair on my body and now I can’t take it anymore so I’ve been shaving like every other day even though it takes me so long 😭

But the next day I feel a lot better about myself so I try and use that as my motivator. Lol. Just got my first bit of femme clothing (undies) and almost cried putting them on (in a good way) so I’m just riding off that euphoria for a bit.

Funny enough, having my kid actually put all of this into high gear for me because he loves me for me. He loves that I’m affectionate and more motherly and when I realized I felt more like a mom than your typical “dad” I knew something was happening in my subconscious. So the prospect of having a second when/if my wife and I are ready has a lot of mixed feelings attached.

Thank you so much for your input and perspective! :)

recently_Coco, 6 months ago

I had an appointment to start HRT in January 2022 and chickened out. I was 32 years old at the time.

After three months and some therapy, I went back and started officially in March 2022.

Sometimes you aren’t ready, and that’s okay. Give yourself some time and some love. You deserve it.

And trust me, here at age 34, I can tell ya that no clock has run out. I love myself more than ever and I still have so much more growing to do.

onevia, 6 months ago

I think I’ll definitely bring this up to my therapist as well. She already knows about my recent coming out and is really supportive but maybe she can help me work through these insecurities some more.

Feeling like I should love my self is new to me… and something that my wife has been preaching for years. I read her your comment and she gestured generally at the room and said “this is what I’ve been trying to tell you” 😅

Glad to hear this weird time crunch I’m putting on myself is just that. Something I arbitrarily put on myself that is causing more harm than good. I need to learn to enjoy the small changes and transitions as they come and not jump to bigger steps just yet.

recently_Coco, 6 months ago

Happy to help. And tell your wife she def knows what she’s talking about. 💖

violetraven, 6 months ago

We’ve all been there and most have have the same thoughts. I transitioned at 36 and love the progress I’ve made. It can be slow and agonizing at times, but can be totally worth it.

onevia, 6 months ago

Thank you so much for your comment. I’m happy to hear you’ve found happiness in your progress! And I would be happy with your results as well! We spoke a little on discord recently about your ffs ❤️

Thank you again for your support and insight!

BongRipsMcGee420, 6 months ago

Yeah, I felt this way when I was 32. Felt like the realization that I was trans just slapped me in the face and I knew I’d regret not doing it but also so very terrified. I kept looking at r/transtimelines and seeing the dead looks in most of the before pictures and seeing how they lit up after. I also read some advice somewhere that every step along the way is reversible, up to a point. You can go see a therapist that deals with gender questions. You can go see an endocrinologist. You can walk out of there with a prescription, but you don’t have to fill it. You can get it filled, but you don’t have to take it. You can take it but you don’t have to keep taking it. You won’t notice anything for a month or so, so you can feel it out and see what you think.

What really helped me was going to the nearest accepting city (Asheville, NC) and just living the entire visit as my chosen gender. We stayed on a skoolie with a hot tub outside and it was a wonderful trip. I also got all dressed up and spent the day in my hammock on mushrooms and did a lot of soul searching. Everytime I asked myself if I was happy with what I was doing, I felt like I was hugging myself back with gratitude for finally letting Eliza have a chance. That feeling has stuck with me ever since.

And yeah, I started at 33, you’re not running out of time. I do wish I realized earlier, but you only get one shot at this life thing and you might as well start living for yourself today.

onevia, 6 months ago

That’s a really good way of putting it. The realization of being trans hit like a ton of bricks even though looking back, a part of me always knew? I just did everything I could to hide from it.

Maybe I’ll take a trip to Asheville sometime. I’m not too far from there and presenting as my true gender without fearing (too much) ridicule sounds… Freeing.

I live in rural Indiana in a small ass town so I feel like I need to hide under multiple layers of masculinity to even appear in public 😔

You’re right. We only have one shot at life. And I need to stop regretting and looking forward.

WalrusDragonOnABike, 6 months ago

If going to a city still seems to hard, maybe going to something like ren fest or a convention dresses as a character would be an easier step. Did that recently where my brother (who I'm out to) and I dressed as characters who are brother and sister. Didn't really have any bad experiences (some people clearly thought it was funny I was dressed as a girl but they weren't being malicious). Also had stranger ask me what I did for boobs, which was kinda weird but they just were curious (bra + small cheap breast forms). Otoh, I had a mom ask for her daughter if her daughter could take a picture with me and most people were just like "hey, it's [character's name]!"

onevia, 6 months ago

That’s a really good idea! I didn’t even think of that. Can I ask who you went as? 😁

WalrusDragonOnABike, 6 months ago

Nezuko. Brother already had a Tanjiro costume from the previous year. Cousin was gonna go as Rengoku, but couldn't get a costume in his size. TBF, my costume wasn't exactly a good fit either (I decided to wear leggings to compensate for the lack of length). My sister's friend and my sister (whom I'm not exactly out to nor did I warn them who I was gonna dress as) briaded my wig's hair while we were there.

onevia, 6 months ago

Ooo that’s from demon slayer right? I haven’t seen it yet, but heard it’s really good :)

That’s great that they braided your hair. Even though it was a wig :P sounds like they may be open minded ❤️

Transtronaut, 6 months ago (edited 6 months ago)

For what it’s worth, you’re far from running out the clock. If you’re still in your 20s you have a lot of life left to live and are lucky you’ve figured this out as early as you have, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

I don’t know what you’ve already done, but one approach is to try less extreme measures first and ease into it a bit. Clothes, makeup, mannerisms, pronouns, etc. You could consider stopgap measures like focusing on hair loss prevention/restoration as a way to buy time and feel like you’re doing something concrete while you sort your feelings out.

Some of these themes also touch on topics discussed in this post from a while back - you may find some of the discussion helpful: lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/4266431

EDIT: Forgot to specify; these are definitely common feelings, if my own experience and internet-binging results are any indication. You’ll get through it. ❤️

EDIT2: lol, I didn’t see who posted this until now. 😅😭🤣

onevia, 6 months ago

Girl, I love you 😂

Thanks for affirming my thoughts again and even linking to one of my old posts from my old account.

Like I’ve said before, I have days where I’m my new self and days where I feel like my old self and I think I’m just working on fully accepting this as I explore. I get ahead of myself with basically everything and forget to smell the roses 🌹