I hate staying in other people's homes

Whether it is a male friend, my own family or my in-laws.

The single men are bad because their homes are disgusting and they have absolutely zero consideration for their guests. They never clean the floor, they don’t clean any surfaces, there are loose shavings of hair clogging up the sink, the toilet is discoloured. Men would happily leave you on a sofa without a blanket or a pillow if you were staying the night, and if they even have any food in the house, they aren’t likely to share it with you (this goes 10x over if the meal is breakfast).

Staying with my own family or my in-laws is bad because they are all WEIRD. No matter who I stay with, at least some of the following will apply:

• No washing up liquid for washing dishes
• Washing up liquid, but no sponge, or sponge is so old and disgusting it would do more harm than good to use it
• No toilet paper EVER
• Shit scratchy toilet paper that tears my asshole apart
• Bidet if there is one has water pressure of an incontinent elderly man pissing
• Weird last dregs of handsoap soaking in soap tray full of old soap water
• SHIT STAINS IN THE TOILET BOWL
• bogeys, blood, and spat out toothpaste in the sink
• if you are going to get a flat fucking sink where the water doesn’t drain properly at least clean up after yourself when you blast your nose into the sink
• No soap at all
• No liquid pump soap
• No toothpaste, or toothpaste is weird, fluoride free or really watery
• TOOTHPASTE HAS CAP OFF
• No sugar, or even sweetener
• Not my brand of teabags
• Not my brand of instant coffee
• Instant coffee that tastes like piss because it has been kept in a loose coffee pot with a spoon propping it open so now it has oxidised
• Shit biscuits
• What the fucking fuck are DARK CHOCOLATE milk digestives?
• No milk, or it is semi-skimmed or there is only soy milk or almond milk
• Seriously why even use semi-skimmed, just use water at this point you freaks
• stop buying lactofree you’re not lactose intolerant you’re shitting because you drink coffee in the morning
• There is NEVER ANY BUTTER
• A million different brands of margerine
• BUT ALWAYS UNSALTED
• Shit bread, if there is any, usually thin slices of wholemeal
• At this point I am convinced that I alone in this god forsaken country am responsible for propping up the dairy industry
• No olive oil, or if there is it’s because I bought it when I lived there and now it is rancid anyway BECAUSE YOU LEFT IT OUT IN THE SUN FOR MONTHS
• Sauces that should be in the cupboard are in the fridge
• Sauces that should be in the fridge are in the cupboard
• OPEN JARS OF MAYO IN THE CUPBOARD
• No lids on ANYTHING
• Everything in the cupboards is years out of date
• A million different knives, but none of them are sharp and there is no knife sharpener
• Glass cutting board
• Weird kettle which has only been descaled once (while I was living there)
• Mouldy washing machine
• Mouldy shower curtain
• Used bar of soap for showering
• No towels
• No hand towels so I can never dry my hands
• No microwave
• I went to the bathroom and there were bogies in the sink AGAIN
• not even in the sink this time, but on the surface beside the tap

A lot of this shit applies to every workplace I have ever had the displeasure of visiting as well. Apparently nobody in this country uses whole milk, nobody uses sugar or sweetener, and everyone’s favourite flavour of coffee is piss. My in-laws will actually help themselves to several teaspoons of piss coffee for the kick, meanwhile I, the good coffee appreciater, physically start to gag when I drink it. One time I had an exam while I was staying with them at 7.30am in the morning and this was all there was. My own good coffee had been opened, mixed into the shit coffee, and left with the lid off. For some reason my coffee tin was then filled with soup or something and put in the fridge, where it remains ONE YEAR LATER.

I will continue to update this list as more and more things continue to piss me off.