It’s a sunny day, we’re outside, good mood, drinking a coffee. I try to strike a conversation, my gf says its too early for philosophical discussions. I tell her we can instead talk about whatever she feels like. She says she doesn’t want to talk about anything. We weirdly sit in silence for a while. I tell her it’s weird to me, we argue. Is this normal?
It sounds like she’s an introvert, and you’re an extrovert.
For you, chatting is effortless and energizing. For her, it requires effort and can be draining.
Meanwhile, you find mental exercises like deep thought or creating require effort and can be draining. For her, these are effortless and energizing.
You need to talk with her about her and your needs, and you must recognize the differences between you and find a middle ground where you can each be happy. That could mean you go out with friends to get your chatting needs and give her the space to recharge, and you and her find topics that interest her to talk about.
One last bit of advice: don’t treat this like it’s a you versus her problem. Treat it like it’s you and her versus the problem. The collaborative approach will yield better solutions and results.
These are the small moments that define a relationship. Your gf wants to have a quiet morning browsing her phone and you want to have a conversation. It is up to you if that is ok or not - your relationship should make you happy. You can decide that you are happy to give her a quiet morning, or you can decide that it makes you feel too weird and find a new relationship with someone that you are more compatible with. Every relationship involves compromise but only you can decide what compromise is right for you.
For me personally, downtime tends to be a moment where I seek no conversation with anyone. Just me, whatever my train of thoughts happen to be derailing into, and sometimes some music and/or some mindless activity like scrolling social media, as I was doing until this thread caught my attention.
Assuming this isn't a recent development or happening so often actual interaction is grinding to a halt, this is probably nothing to be worried about.
Yes it’s normal to enjoy quiet time together. If you were out to dinner or something and she ignored you to look at her phone I would say she’s being rude.
Well, it wasn’t dinner, it was morning coffee, but everything else is the same. I guess it’s acceptable to be less talkative and more on the phone in the morning, judging by the replies
The difference between coffee and dinner is huge. Dinner is something most people like to enjoy communally, with discussions about the day or current events as expected. Coffee is something that a lot of people don’t even concentrate on- drinking it on their commute or while working. Further, a lot of people only feel equipped to deal with the world after having some coffee.
She’s not broken, she just has preferences (like everyone). If they don’t work with yours, that’s one thing, but if you can internalize that this isn’t an insult, there’s no reason for this to be a bigger thing.
Based on your other comments of mentioning she was on the phone, it sounds like what was really bothering you was that the phone was getting attention and you weren't. So just say that.
You definitely need to get comfortable with having quiet time where you're both just reading, goofing off on the phone, or whatever. You can't talk 100 percent of the time.
If the actual silence is an issue just throw on some music. I can't think of a nicer time than starting the day with some coffee and music.
Some people are introverted and appreciate a little silence. Others are more extroverted and can talk all day every day. For example, I can have a nice relaxing day where I don’t utter a single word. And it’s not a problem when a couple doesn’t have anything to say at a given time. You can sit back and just enjoy your surroundings. Be in the moment, my dude.
Don’t fight over things like this. Seek to understand. Respect her. Ask yourself how you would want her to react if you told her you needed some time in silence.
This is something you should discuss with her in a calm way, after this moment has passed. What if you had done as she asked? Maybe you would have a better conversation if you took that time to think about what she wanted and why. Not from your perspective, from hers.
This isn’t a man/woman or relationship issue. This is the kind of thing you’ll encounter over and over. They are asking you to put their need for silence over your need for interaction. If, over the course of several instances if this, you decide you can’t spend your time with a person who doesn’t love chatting as much as you, that is a legit reason to go your separate ways and no hard feelings. But, really, you’re going to deal with countless things like this in all your relationships (not just romantic). You have to balance the incompatible aspects with the compatible. Nobody is perfect and you can learn things about yourself from the incompatibilities. No reason to argue and fight. Just say what you are feeling and try to stay calm and open to hearing their side.
I came here for advice and opinions, not to be scolded. You should really practice the way you give “advice”. I’m sure you’re aware it’s a different concept than giving orders.
Good lord, when somebody makes a suggestion you disagree with you think it’s an order. I’m done talking to you, I hope you’ll manage to find the help you need some day.
Your comments about your girlfriend come off a little like that. I already commented, but didn’t address that because I didn’t know how to. I read this commenter as trying to communicate that, but without telling you, it’s unhelpful.
It does feel like you’re trying to read something about society into her preference to wake up quietly, but her preferences are as individual as yours.
It’s normal to want quiet time, especially if you’re spending a lot of time together. Constantly interacting can get exhausting, even if you love the person you’re interacting with.
Consider why you feel the compulsion to fill silence with words. Lots of people (especially these days, with the constant over-stimulation from media and devices) aren’t good at just… Being a person. Just existing without any particular purpose or reason. Simply being is uncomfortable for these people, so they feel the need to force interaction on whoever is around them as a distraction.
It’s no different than reaching for your phone the instant you start to feel bored. Even if you’re bored with your phone already, (already checked all your notifications, already tired of doomscrolling, etc,) it’s just peoples’ first reaction to being bored. Give me an easy distraction so I don’t need to think about how bored I am.
Sometimes people just need to sit there and doomscroll for a few minutes.
My wife and I semi frequently will sit on our two couches in our living room, each dicking around on our phones, not talking to one another. It’s completely fine and natural. We just need to unwind, talking about whatever isn’t going to do that.
If I’m being honest, I’ve always thought the hallmark of a good relationship is one where both sides are comfortable being together without saying a word. Filling space with sound is easy. Talking is easy. Find someone who you can simply exist with, to be in a space without filling the silence with sound and yet feel completely comfortable…then you’ll really have found someone.
She may have been enjoying the sounds outside, she may be an introvert and was recharging, she may have been thinking her own thoughts and wanted to finish, maybe the coffee had not finished doing it’s work - sometimes silence is not about being angry or feeling distant from someone. She did tell you she didn’t want to talk about anything. Maybe that’s why she got upset?
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