Worst in these thoughts is that you never see clearly in the thick of life, only in the blissful decadent moments when you smoke some cigarette or take who knows what that will make your chronic stomach pain worse in the long run.
I used to smoke and drink heavily and etc and I know what you mean. Not to sound like a square, but lately I’ve been finding sobriety and journaling way better for clarity.
I don’t hit the same high peaks (or low valleys), but it’s like pop pop pop throughout the day: tiny hits of bliss and good feelings. Sometimes just for a second, but really that’s enough to get me through life I think.
Uhm, I have absolutely no idea why I would feel differently about my life or myself at 9pm vs. say 3pm or 10 am. Sooo… what? (Seriously, someone please explain.)
I can’t speak for everyone but personally I often spiral into a state of despair late at night, when I realize I’m 28 years old with no resume worth reading and no hobbies. Gets worse when I pull out my lockpicks and try to convince myself that I do have a hobby, but I’m just so awful at it that I never do it. I’m also into astrophotography, which I can’t do with a 20 year old telescope and camera, and with my minimum wage job, I’m not upgrading any time soon. Can I play my bass? No, it just sits in the corner collecting dust because I don’t have the money, time, or mental capacity to learn how to play it.
I’ll rant to myself about that and more for like half an hour, before regretfully putting on another episode of whatever anime I’m watching and then go to sleep
Then sometimes I get into a hope spiral where I think about the fact that there are infinite possible universes. Sure, in this universe I suck at both bass and lockpicking, but there are thousands of other things I’ve yet to try. Surely I’m a natural at something, I just need to figure out what. Is it ant farming? Skateboarding? Some third thing that I can’t think of? Who knows! Can’t know if I hate crochet until I try it, right?
And I’m still better at every random hobby I get into than most of the people I know. I may be a Lichess 700, but that ELO is 700 points higher than anyone I know. My personal best time solving a Rubik’s Cube is a 1:30, but most people’s PBs are DNF. I’ve no doubt that anyone pointing a telescope at the sky would see things clearer than me, but who’s the motherfucker that took his dinky little 4.5" dob out in a Bortle class 7 neighborhood and clocked a 4.5 magnitude comet at 1:30 am on a cold January morning, during a near full moon? I may suck at everything, but at least I suck at every thing.
Ah, in that case you need to follow a common security practice. You need to rub one out and see if your thoughts are the same after post-nut clarity. “Trust, but verify,” as the saying goes
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