Hello, AudioBoo and Internet World. I'm just weirded out. I've been sent as payment for a small project I did... Luncheon vouchers! I know it's churlish to complain when people pay you, but I've literally in my life, in 31 years of living on planet earth, I have never even seen a Luncheon Voucher. I thought they died out in the 80s, but I'm here with £14 worth of …
This is a Necropost - rescued from AudioBoo and transcribed by AI because I'm lazy. Hello there, AudioBoo. I'm just in the middle of another grand phone experiment. I'm moving back to BlackBerry. Yes, after about a year, year and a half of being an Android Boy, it's time to go back to BlackBerry. So I've picked up the Torch, which is the slider and I'm having mixe…
This is a necropost. Written, I think, in preparations for mock A-Levels and recently found on an old backup disk. People in our 6th Form were always sticking up funny lists and weird humorous print-outs found on the nascent WWW. This was either my attempt to relieve the pressure of endless revision - or just a way to distract myself from the stress of exams. I heartedly endorse all of the following tips for a successful exam.
Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh dear, better get cracking." and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper aeroplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop start talking about what a prat the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lesson all term long! Help.”
Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: “I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs”. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Giggle. Loudly.
Fifteen minutes into the exam ask for more paper. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head.
Be as vulgar as possible on the exam paper.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with a Siamese twin.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Hold an unlit cigarette in your mouth. If you are told there is no smoking, politely point out that you are not smoking; just holding an unlit cigarette in your mouth.
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Insist on going to the toilet. You will have to be accompanied.
Show up completely drunk. (you should start crying for mother).
COUGH!
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
Insist the person next to you is cheating.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? "Teletubbies" is on!!!”
Bring a water pistol with you. ‘Nuff said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Countdown. When they finally get you to leave begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a fight in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
Loud, Rumbling, Echoing, Deadly Farts.
Try to get people in the room to do a Mexican wave.
Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, ugly idol. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of flowers, pizzas, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
Get lots of people to call your mobile phone. Make sure it has an annoying ring.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the official exam rules, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Examiners Suck"
These exam stress relieving jollities were brought to you by...........
Campaign to Relive Accumulated Pressures!
This is a necropost. It was written in 1995 - presumably for a GCSE History assignment. I found it recently on a backup disk. As far as possible I've preserved the original spelling and formatting. I think we had been asked to interview someone about their experiences of the second world war. My great uncle had written a book about his time in the army but, ever the contrarian, I decided to interview my great aunt instead. She lived a full and interesting life - and I frequently miss her.
"Hello dear, would you like some cake or a drink?" Are the first words I receive before even asking my planed out questions. I decline the offer.
"I remember," she begins when questioned about the war, "I was about eleven years old, I was in Needham Market at the time when we hear that we were at war with Germany. It was quite a shock even though we were expecting it."
When asking about evacuation, this short but strong willed lady went slightly quiet, "My mother had died about two weeks before war was announced and the family was in turmoil, it was a welcome relief for me, my parents and my siblings just to get away from the tragedy. Unfortunately we were all sent to different homes on the south cost. This was unfortunate because 3 months later I was sent home because of fear of invasion. I wouldn't say I enjoyed evacuation, no, but I didn't find it that bad. After being sent home I was evacuated once more. This time I was not so happy with my new family, I just missed my father and sisters too much. I came home two weeks later.
I began probing about the bombing raids, living in the middle of London must have been pretty horrific.
"Luckily we never got personally bombed out, although once our windows imploded and I got a lot of glass in my back, once a couple of incendiary devices landed in our garden. Most of our lives were spent in the shelter either in the garden or in the cellar. Because of the war and the fact that schools were shut and I didn't want to go to the factories I began secretarial work. One day our office was almost hit by a V1. It was very frightening, once we got out my boss gave me my first brandy and my first cigarette!
The worst part about living in London? Everything! You could only travel by buses there was no night life, every thing was blacked out. There was a dreadful lack of food and clothes. I remember having to save all the potato peelings and suchlike to send away to feed the animals."
"Being Jewish must have affected you." I asked.
"No, no it didn't; people were to busy worrying about the war to worry about race, it also meant that we could swap our bacon ration for other foodstuffs. My father was affected because he had been brought to England from Russia when he was little, because when war broke out Russia was neutral my Father had to be issued with alien papers and his movements were restricted, as soon as Russia entered the war every thing was fine and he was no longer thought a threat."
Of course I had to ask about V.E. Day.
"We knew it was coming, it was a question of when. In the end although we all went to Trafalgar Square it was a bit of an anti-climax; there was still a shortage of food and clothes and the soldiers still weren't back."
"And finally," I asked "What was your greatest memory of the war."
"The moral," she said instantly "The moral was very high, we always thought we were going to win and Churchill's speeches made us sure."