My partner and I just had a talk about it. Basically, she celebrated her birthday today. I was on her party, and it was fun, but I left after around 2 hours to get home and relax a bit. After I arrived, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a lake and see the sunset. I agreed, we went to the lake and went...
I think when my partner put it that way, I also was a bit “huh, wait a second - I don’t really understand WHY it is romantically coded, but I get that it hurt you”.
Yes, makes sense. I think for my partner it was also really impactful that I did it on her birthday. For me, the logic was “okay, so I can’t go back to her party, because many people; another person invited me to fun activity, where I can participate; so why not?”
I think this is something I’ll try to learn that timing is really important to consider here. I think I only view the action itself, which I don’t think is wrong - but it seems that the context that it happened on the birthday of my friend is really important here.
Thank you - I think that’s a good sentence to keep in mind. We already have figured out lots of strategies to work so that none of us gets hurt by the actions of our partner, but I didn’t even suspect she might be hurt by it.
I think you’ve summarized it pretty well, and as far as I can judge it is exactly how my partner received it. I think I definitely needed a break from this specific birthday party, but also I needed a bit of time away from her. I am not sure however how to communicate it in an appropriate way though.
Hmmm, I understand. I can add some more information about it - let me know if you think it should be included in the main text. I didn’t include it because I didn’t felt it necessary for the question, but I’m not sure about it anymore.
Me and my gf got together in August of last year, so basically 8 months ago; we were friends for half a year before that. She got cheated on in her long distance relationship before.
The friend who invited me to the sea I actually know for almost as long as my partner, from the beginning of Uni. She had a breakup from a three-year old relationship a few months ago, and I was there to support her. I didn’t clarify before though if she was okay with me cuddling with people or not; I assumed it was with her, because it was okay in her LDR before - which was wrong of me. I overstepped the boundaries of my partner here.
The friend in question kissed me at the neck while I was at hers. I talked with her about it and let her know that I wasn’t okay with it, to which she reacted quite hurt. She then told me that we shouldn’t be friends, but two weeks ago she collapsed at Uni and I brought her home. Now we are meeting again.
While I’m writing this down, I’m actually starting to notice that there are a lot of other factors playing in why my partner is upset here. She has been cheated on in the past, which definitely leads her to feel uncomfortable about my actions, even though I obviously don’t want to cheat. I broke a societally unwritten rule of not meeting people in romantically coded settings on your partners birthday. And I overstepped the boundary of my partner before by cuddling with the friend without my partners consent.
You can see my other comment to the original commentor for more details. My partner got cheated on in her previous relationship, which definitely plays into here, and I overstepped the boundaries of my partner (and my friend overstepped my boundaries). For that exact reason though I let her know that I was going to the friend and when exactly I plan on going back, so that all people involved could feel safe.
Actually, now that you mention it I get the reference as well :/ I honestly haven’t thought of it at all - but now I better understand why my partner was so irritated about it. What I’ve done is really the absolute cliché “hey, I’m gonna cheat now on you” thing.
Got it - that is an amazing rule for me to use. I’ll keep in mind to reserve and spend holidays with my partner (unless agrees otherwise) and periodically discuss limits. We actually communicate quite a lot, which I think is a strong point of our relationship; while we aren’t perfect here, I’m pretty proud of our communication rules.
I think the reasons I left is because the party was a bit stressful to me, I wanted a small break from my gf (already prior in the day I was at hers to fix my phone) and I wanted to get groceries. I’m not sure how to communicate appropriately to my gf that I might need a break from her though.
Hmm, got it. Well, actually I left the party and then my friend called me; it wasn’t planned for me to go meet her until I already arrived home.
When I talked about this with my gf, she urged me to put in some research in myself - which I hereby do :) I understand that she doesn’t have to explain everything to me. But it also really hurts me when she told me that her two closest friends advised to break up with me if something like that happens again. So it definitely is societally frowned upon.
And thank you for the heads-up. The friend in question gave me a neck kiss, which I talked about and told her it wasn’t okay. She is now in a relationship, and I really have the feeling she pays more attention to my boundaries now. But I’ll keep in mind to stay vigilant. I don’t think she knew my partner had her birthday today, but thank you for the warning regardless - I’ll keep it in mind.
I’m non binary (read male though) and pansexual, my girlfriend is female and panromantic, my friend is female and biromantic. All of us involved are in a relationship though, so I presume my friend isn’t romantically interested in me (anymore).
My partner knows that I’m autistic, so she specifically clarified she has understanding of my inability to read social rules. I completely agree that the societal contracts often are bullshit, and I urge to clarify to me if something doesn’t work for her, not to assume that I know that anyways (because 99% of the time I don’t know).
And I agree with you, that for me not hurting my partner here is more important than saying “I’m right though”. While of course we didn’t talk before about this specific boundary and we had different assumptions, I don’t want to hurt my partner and I’m doing my part (obligatory Starship Troopers reference) to make sure I am not harming her more than necessary.
It’s by far the part of the game I like the least… there’s always a couple of gold nuggets I can’t seem to find. It’s boring, and also frustrating to see my food supply dwindle.
Als Psychologie-Student: Das System ist richtig scheiße gerade. Der Stoff des Studiums ist eigentlich ganz fein, aber die Kassensitzproblematik ist katastrophal. Solange es nicht mehr Kassensitze gibt, kann auch die beste Ausbildung nichts bringen.
I would definitely put Aurelian at the top. As far as I remember, he is the only emperor who actually made the coin worth MORE than less by adding more silver into it (he had to take it back because the wars brought the Empire to the brink of collapse, but still - the gesture is appreciated). He hold courts in the military camp and brought the a Empire through war and plague without a huge civil war or major territory losses. I think for his achievements, he deserves to be higher.
What are things considered romantic, to be avoided in a relationship?
My partner and I just had a talk about it. Basically, she celebrated her birthday today. I was on her party, and it was fun, but I left after around 2 hours to get home and relax a bit. After I arrived, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a lake and see the sunset. I agreed, we went to the lake and went...
It was worth a try
https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/0bcf5006-f810-42f0-840a-5b79202823b8.jpeg
I hate looking for gold in the caves (lemmy.world)
It’s by far the part of the game I like the least… there’s always a couple of gold nuggets I can’t seem to find. It’s boring, and also frustrating to see my food supply dwindle.
Say hi to Carl before his glorious victory!
Mehr Vorsorge soll Zahl der Suizide senken (www.tagesschau.de) German
Roman Emperor tier list time!
Which fediverse software do you use besides Lemmy?
Reddit if full of bots: thread reposted exactly the same, comment by comment, 10 months later (files.catbox.moe)
For the threads with the older one on the left: lemmy.world/post/14859950...
Scaling up (slrpnk.net)
Linke klagt gegen Wahlrechtsreform und Fünf-Prozent-Hürde: Gregor Gysi Interview (archive.is) German