jessica

jessica, 2 months ago to random

Hmm, might have hit a roadblock.

drudgesentinel, 2 months ago to random

These targeted ads are getting out of control

This is our generations reverse mortgage ads

Lol "our"

jessica, 2 months ago to random

What an absolute mindfuck.

I keep peeling back layers and finding more shit to resolve.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

That realization leads to a dilemma, though.

The memories revealed to me … I want my other parts to share these, of course, but I also know that if we step on a landmine, the flashbacks could be crippling.

But it’s not fair to the others to ask them to hold on until a trauma therapy session, for instance.

If it were just me, I could use a distress tolerance skill to hold out until a heightened state passed.

No fucking clue how to generalize that to a system.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

The child has been bugging me for days now to play the 1988 version of Super Mario Bros. 2 and we kind of ever so briefly started the other night, but otherwise I’ve been busy working or in meditation and unable to play.

Sitting here smoking a cigarette the importance to him was revealed.

He would obsess over the game at his paternal grandmother’s during days in which our parents both worked.

It’s not about the game; it’s about safety.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

I really cannot tell whether I enjoy Sabaton or not.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

This morning is a Sabaton morning

jessica, 2 months ago to random

Good morning 🥱

jessica, 2 months ago to random

The part that vexes me going forward:

As I lean into and embrace my plurality, I need to refine my communication such that our story is coherent if not understood.

The distinction is subtle, but if the directive remains to tell the story, then that story must be told well.

I have no idea in a setting such as this on how to tell that story effectively. Because my reality is closer to an asynchronous thread dump than a linear account of matters.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

I’d say I’m at a crossroad but that’s not accurate. I’ve turned onto an eternal one way freeway.

I’ve worked so hard since those revelations in October to understand my existence.

I’m at the point finally where I embrace and own it.

And, peace washes over me.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

I’ve been sleeping most of the evening and am still exhausted.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

I would be less tired today if one of my parts didn’t start poking me at 4a, asking when we’d watch some Hallmark movies from 2008 that they enjoyed.

I fucked up by opening Pandora’s box. (Not really, but shit like this makes me realize all the off ramps have been destroyed)

jessica, 2 months ago to random

I am so tired physically

jessica, 2 months ago to random

I really need to get some sleep.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

Listening to Fight’s A Small Deadly Space album for the first time in a while.

I prefer it to War of Words and will die on that hill. 🫠

Halford sounds far more inspired and the mix, while unconventional, is beyond brutal.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

How the week started:

“Our shadow is malevolent and must be destroyed through guided meditation among other means.”

How it’s ending:

“Meditation has revealed that our original self doesn’t understand what nonbinary means and keeps misgendering me.”

I can’t even right now.

Back in October, I started from first principles to explain fifteen years of a lack of identity plus a lack of new memory generation and this is where we are at presently?

My therapist deserves a raise 😂

jessica, 2 months ago to random

idk man, you tell me

jessica, 2 months ago to random

My current plurality problem is that the original self, the child, doesn’t understand gender and keeps misgendering me.

I’m not even mad.

However, this week I’ve been way too deep in all of this. I’m tired. Exhausted even.

Knowledge is good and all, but I need some sleep.

jessica, 2 months ago to random

in my garden vibing gonna play Super Mario 2 (1988)