batkaren

batkaren, 1 hour ago to random

“Pawn to queen 4,” I slur drunkenly.

My opponent looks to her associate. “Jeff?”

“Just give her the Big Mac combo meal,” he says. “Hey, Karen.”

I nod and vurp. “Jeff.”

batkaren, 14 hours ago to random

It’s come to my attention many of you are taking liberties when grinding your enemies’ bones to powder.

Granite mortar and pestle, or kindly get the shitting fuck out of my clubhouse.

batkaren, 20 hours ago to random

My boy Baker just took Best Ears at a street fair for dogs!

batkaren, 2 days ago to random

“The face of god will remain unknowable as long as the yoke of human indifference drags us down!” I proclaim, crapping my pants in this Walmart patio furniture aisle.

batkaren, 2 days ago to random

Saw a survey asking, "Where do you stand regarding current events?" and immediately thought, "Oh, I definitely oppose them."

batkaren, 3 days ago to random

Giving directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to an old mansion with a crone sitting on the porch—turn the angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

batkaren, 3 days ago to random

Getting some grumbling acquiescence and annoyed tones for asking the medical staff in this tiny room to please mask because I’m high-risk for complications from Covid.

batkaren, 4 days ago to random

Beavis and Butthead would be in their 40s now

batkaren, 5 days ago to random

Have we considered just winging shit without a president for a bit? See how it goes.

batkaren, 5 days ago to random

If my AI chatbot voice has to be coded female, I demand a 90-year-old chain-smoker.

batkaren, 7 days ago to random

Beaten and bloodied, the Other and I circle one another, each insisting on simulacrum status, both refusing the Prime's culpability.

batkaren, 9 days ago to random

There’s no such thing as “bad luck” when you break a mirror.

You’re merely experiencing the terrified energy leaking off inter-dimensional creatures loosed through the glass-crack barriers as they lash out blindly, frantic to return home.

batkaren, 9 days ago to random

The sun, heart-achingly in love with its children, blows a kiss towards Earth.

The coronal mass ejection flings magnetic plasma into the solar wind, dismantling the electrical grid and communications infrastructure across the globe.

batkaren, 10 days ago to random

Garfield looks up from the casserole dish. “Is this moussaka?”

“Yes,” Jon says.

Garfield breathes out, then asks in a low voice, “Has anything I’ve ever said suggested I want fucking EGGPLANT in my lasagna?”

“N-no.” Jon winces.

Odie barks obliviously in the distance.

batkaren, 12 days ago to random

Breaking up with someone before a movie starts, trying to storm off, squeezing by in front of them, slowly scooching past the whole seat row…

batkaren, 12 days ago to random

Great day for an old-timey comeback of mercury poisoning and brain worms!

batkaren, 12 days ago to random

[through a mouthful of hot cheetos over zoom]

“A DEMOTION!?”

batkaren, 13 days ago to random

Batman crouching down to collect soil, groaning at his popping knee joints.

batkaren, 14 days ago to random

“And why do you go on social media?” the therapist asks me.

“I guess...to have fun?” I say.

The therapist pauses. “And do you? Have fun, that is?”

We stare at each other a few beats, the silence sharp in my ears. I press my lips together and drop my gaze, slowly shaking my head...

batkaren, 16 days ago to random

Hello Fresh too much work?

Consider trying Fuck It, Rot.

batkaren, 18 days ago to random

Taking off my house hoodie and putting on my professional hoodie for a videoconference.

batkaren, 19 days ago to random

Undressing me with your eyes, getting cornea juice all over the fucking place.

batkaren, 21 days ago to random

But it won’t be the last time, amirite The New Yorker?

batkaren, 24 days ago to random

Paint brand names all sound like they helped frame the US Constitution:

• Benjamin Moore
• Dunn Edwards
• Dutch Boy
• Sherwin Williams
• Little Green Paint & Paper
• Zinsser Perma-White

batkaren, 25 days ago to random

Each Alien movie reflects Ripley in a different archetypal stage:

Alien: The Young Warrior
Aliens: The Mother Figure
Alien³: The Wise Sage
Alien Resurrection: The Regenerated Clone