If the harasser reacts angrily, we can learn to defuse the situation by separating the harasser’s action from their intention, which may not have been to hurt someone. “What you’re doing is acknowledging the emotion—like, ‘Hey, I hear that you’re really frustrated, that this is confusing,’” May says. “Then say, ‘Things like that can make our co-workers feel uncomfortable, and I know that’s not what you’re trying to do.’”
I like this part very much. As a matter of fact I think there’s no need to reserve this strategy for when the offender is getting angry. It should work especially well for the “ordinary” low key sexist or racist comments. Assuming the offender has the best intentions and is misguided paves the way for an amicable resolution.
Zeno Franco, who studies heroism and post-traumatic stress disorder at the Medical College of Wisconsin, thinks that we can turn masculine norms against sexual harassment and assault. “When has it ever been an acceptable norm that men instill fear in women? When has it ever been an acceptable norm that men turn a blind eye when other men harm women?”
absolutely. i always feel leery about making blanket statements about “what it means to be a man”; but without question, for me, it means protecting those who cannot protect themselves, pushing back and speaking out against those who exercise their power on others without regard for their well being. it means interfering in situations where i think someone will be harmed if i don’t, and trusting myself to be able to improve the situation, not just make it worse
sometimes, that means risking my own well being, too. i’m smart about it, not reckless; my own well being matters a lot to me too, especially because there are some people who are just fucked if something happens to me. but there are plenty of times i take that risk too and trust that, if things go wrong, they’ll be alright and they’ll understand
sometimes, there are things i see and need to act on because i couldn’t rightfully call myself a man if i didn’t
i’m trans, though. i don’t really understand the position of (often) cis men who don’t feel like this. maybe they’ve been told their own power is contingent on the system functioning as intended. maybe they’re just afraid, i get that
part of my ability to do this is that i’ve already been through hell. i know that if i mess up and do something to jeopardize my life, i can figure it out and fix it. i’ll survive. and it will have been worth it. maybe they don’t know that, they don’t have that kind of confidence in themselves
i’m also decent in a fight and i’ve spent some time learning communication and de-escalation skills (shoutout nonviolent communication) and i’ve spent over a decade in therapy
but i’ve always thought we should be speaking to men this way - are you really strong if you can’t protect those weaker than you? not to shame them about being weak; sometimes you are and that’s the reality of things. but is it truly strong to hoard power for yourself? how confident can you say you really are, if you’re afraid to use some of it for the benefit of others?
i haven’t lived an easy life, but it’s worth shouldering the burden to help make other people’s lives easier, too. it is what needs to be done, if we want to see a better society than the one we’ve grown up in
(i generalized a lot of this because the abuse of power, while influenced by gender, is not defined by gender)
So I was in a very stereotypically chauvinist situation last week: Two colleagues and I took a customer (all 4 of us men) out for lunch after(/as part of) a sales call. After the waitress left to put in our orders, the customer made a pre-excuse and then joked something like
well that’s definitely putting a rack on a shelf.
I don’t remember how I reacted. I’m also not sure what I wish I had said.
completely understandable, it sounds like it totally came out of the blue. i’ve gotten caught off guard a lot by shit like this too and been unsure of how to react, definitely don’t feel bad about it
if you manage to get your bearings, if something like that happens again, a good way to approach this sort of situation is to ask the person to explain the joke. so, for example:
“well, that’s definitely putting a rack on a shelf”
“haha… yeah uh, what do you mean by that?”
they try to explain it without sounding sexist but sound sexist and feel silly afterwards
honestly though, i would have asked them to explain it anyways. you clearly sensed the intent behind it, so i totally get that it was sexist. but like, wtf does that even mean?? putting a rack on a shelf? huh??? i would have filled in the details more but i genuinely don’t get it 💀💀💀
anyways, i’m sorry you had to hear that kind of shit from a client. it’s tough because i’m sure that’s a situation where you have to be really cognizant of the relationship. fwiw, you don’t need to chase them down or be really mean about the whole thing; usually getting them to realize by themselves that they’re being sexist is enough. you can just be pretty apologetic about not understanding their “joke”
Maybe Occupational Health and Safety should run commercials being like “If you’re a real man, you have a 3 point hold whenever you’re on a ladder and have someone watch you.”
I feel like empowering the “Real Man” bullshit, even in a subversive way, is generally a bad idea. Could be an effective campaign though, so maybe the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
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