How do you pick yourself up after getting your heart broken?

I fell for someone who lives in a different country. We met while he was passing through mine, and then he later changed some of his travel plans to come back and see me again.

We saw each other every single day for over a month, he met most of my friends, we went on trips together and overall he was very loving and did all kinds of things that made me feel like we had something that could last beyond a fling. He told me he would be back again.

His feelings changed not long after he went back home, and he only admitted it to me once I confronted him after noticing him become more and more distant over 2 months. He said he found it hard to stay emotionally invested in someone so far away.

I get that long distance is hard and that people’s feelings change. I just didn’t think he’d lose feelings for me so easily. It hurts more than ending a relationship that has slowly burned out over time, because I just can’t make sense of how quickly this happened. And I think a large part of why I got so attached is because I very rarely meet guys I’m genuinely interested in, let alone ones that treat me well.

Have any of you gone through something similar? If so, how did you cope with it? Was there anything that made it easier to accept, or do I just need to let time do its thing? I have a bunch of important things to finish this week and have already lost so much time crying lol.

Eggyhead,
Eggyhead avatar

In the past, I just kept myself busy. I threw myself into work and my hobbies. If I got hit with a sudden wave of depression, I'd just take a deep breath, accept that it hurts, and try to refocus on whatever I was doing. Rinse and repeat until it eventually just stopped mattering to me.

I also told myself that if I'm having to convince someone to stay with me, we probably aren't as compatible as I'd imagined we were. And if I need a second person in my life to feel fulfilled, all that means is that I'm not living a fulfilling life for myself in the first place. That's worth changing before even considering finding a partner. Finally, even if I convinced that person to return to me, I honestly wouldn't feel the same way about them anymore, so what's the point? There was probably someone better for me out there anyway (spoiler: there was).

Start doing stuff for yourself that you can be proud of and brag about. Start accomplishing something you know you would never have if that other person stayed in your life. Give yourself a reason to love yourself before even considering bringing another person into the picture, because it's not fair to them or yourself if you need to depend upon them just to be happy.

prenupbutter,

You’re absolutely right. I’ve accomplished so much since my last - and abusive - relationship. For some reason I was able to recover from it very quickly, and I say this as someone who took 5 years to fully get over my first (also abusive) bf.

I was VERY codependent and the relationship traumatized me, but less than 2 months after the breakup, I entered an international comedy competition and won first place. Suddenly people who didn’t give a shit about me before wanted me on their shows. I had all sorts of new opportunities thrown at me and now I have a huge list of things I can happily brag about.

I probably would never have taken that sort of plunge when I was with my ex. Maybe hitting rock bottom + the anger made me fearless, I don’t know.

I still struggle a bit with self-image and social anxiety, but I can see how far I’ve come and I think overall, I’m a pretty cool person.

Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t see that. You’re right, I shouldn’t have to convince someone to be with me. I’ll tell myself that next time I have a “everything reminds me of him :'(” moment (and I’m having a LOT of those, ughh)

Eggyhead,
Eggyhead avatar

Hell yeah! You rock and don’t you forget it.

RedditWanderer,

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

-Markus Aurelius

littlecolt,

This last time, I couldn’t.

I’ve given up trying.

orcrist,

Many people find serious long-term commitments scary. A short-term commitment might be serious too, but because you expect it will end sooner, it might be easier for someone to get into. As a result of this phenomenon, expect that international relationships are going to end, enjoy them until they do, and if you’re one of the lucky (?) few who break the trend, kudos to you.

PeWu,

It’s simple. I’ve just abandoned any prospect of having significant other. I don’t pursue anyone now

rjh,

I would not be too hard on yourself. Like you said long distance is extremely hard and kills relationships, even long term ones, let alone a young one like yours. It takes work - video calls, presents, routine conversation - and that comes from a commitment that you two hadn’t established yet. Or perhaps he was never willing to provide.

It is scary how quickly feelings can change, but I put that down again to how little you guys had known each other. I also had a 3 month relationship that was amazing, and we went LDR and it was like I couldn’t even remember their face or their voice after a while. If you had known him for say a year, it would have been a lot different.

rivingtondown,

I was in a long distance relationship that didn’t work out… this is going back about 9 years so I have a long perspective of it now.

Long story short I was in a short but emotionally intense fling with a girl who lived across the country. We had originally met in real life on a friends trip together (as we had mutual friends) and did a couple trips back and forth to see each other in person, spending every other night apart on the phone / video chat. She broke up with me after becoming interested in a guy back home, from what I heard from mutual friends.

It really hurt, I was crushed and didn’t know what to do with my time anymore. We had developed this routine that was now torn away from me and I just wanted to drown my sorrows. I ended up just going out to bars and clubs most nights to keep myself entertained. About a month later I joined the online dating pool and went on a few dozen dates trying to recapture the connection.

I found something far better though, with someone I learned I related too far more personally and hobby wise, she became my wife and we have a beautiful toddler at home i’m struggling to get to take naps by himself.

Everything about the other girl is a distant memory, I forget her names most times it pops into my head - and that’s going back years now. I still remember some lessons I learned from that relationship though.

That’s all to say, life moves on and that’s not just a sappy saying. You honestly will recover and be a better person for it.

GreatAlbatross,
@GreatAlbatross@feddit.uk avatar

Brains are very good at eventually becoming comfortable with a new normal.

They’re also good at being distracted temporarily.

If you can keep yourself busy with positive things (self improvement, cleaning, exercise, cooking), you give your brain space to become accustomed to the new status quo.

Meeting new people is always a good thing to do too, something to keep the social part of your brain from wallowing. Maybe join a local social activity (walking/hiking groups are great).

Parsnip8904,
@Parsnip8904@beehaw.org avatar

I have, though it ended up with that person disappearing and trying to commit suicide. It took me a long time to get over the associated trauma.

The way I see it now is that love isn’t something that will bind people to you and keep them with you forever. If you love someone, let them go, let them be free. If they still choose to be with you, then they love you too. If not, you couldn’t have held on to that person without causing resentment and pain to both of you.

I hope some of this helps :)

Vertelleus,
@Vertelleus@sh.itjust.works avatar

Eve: Time changes everything.
Dr. Gregory House: That’s what people say, it’s not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
-House

Make new memories people. If you’re a friend of someone in this position make sure to get them out and do things.

eddietrax,

Time and keeping busy are the only things that help. You’re going to obsess over this regardless, but it will get better with time. Just try to keep your mind occupied.

dominiquec,
@dominiquec@lemmy.world avatar

Time heals all wounds. Make sure you don’t keep reopening them.

Something_Complex,

Which is also a way of saying, don’t go dumping your issues on other innocent people who had nothing to do with it.

You will know when you are ready.

penguin,

It sucks to hear when you’re truly down. Feels like the pain will last forever. But it truly does start to fade after a while and continues to do so as time marches on.

I’ve been through excruciating heartbreak a decade or so ago and it’s just “meh” now.

somnuz,

That’s why falling in love is a very slippery road — in the emotional sense. If you fall, you will finally hit something, that’s how it works in nature.

Loving someone or building a solid relation based on love with someone is so much harder and not so automatic as falling, it requires committing and communicating — learning a difference is a key to not fall but to be more aware of the process and ones deeper emotions, especially someone else’s.

My guess is that’s why it is easier for so many people to love animals because they don’t fall in love with them, they just feel the love and act accordingly.

— Obviously, all this is a giant oversimplification because this is just a simple comment on the internet, not reality.

lasagna,

You probably dodged a bullet there. This sounds a lot like someone who is already in a relationship or at the very least has a similarly strong reason to move on. Did they invite you over or was it always about them coming over?

Only time really works for me. This will be extra tough on you because the first month of a relationship is peak honeymoon phase. We rarely see any negatives. The other person is essentially perfect in our eyes during that period. And that’s the memory and expectations you’re left with. In truth though, you have at best only met the tip of the iceberg. You’re not craving a person but rather the ideal your mind has built for them.

prenupbutter,

I’m pretty confident it wasn’t due to a secret relationship. He’s a digital nomad so he’s never in one place for very long, which he’d stated early on as to why he doesn’t expect to have a long term relationship with anyone.

So in fairness to him, he did try to manage my expectations. I knew it was a “situationship” and even told myself to not get too invested, just enjoy the moment with him etc and be ready to move on once he left.

I lost sight of that the longer we spent together, and despite what he said at the beginning, I naively thought that things were naturally developing into something more serious and that he’d be willing to do something long distance with me.

But in fairness to me also, he did say things like how he didn’t expect that we’d become so close, that I was the first person to make him reconsider moving back to his home country, and he did all kinds of things that imo, most people wouldn’t do for someone who’s just a casual fling. It’s just hard for me to understand that sort of inconsistency, but I guess all I can do is accept that people can be like that and that they’ll disappoint you as a result.

Sigmatics,

This sounds a lot like someone who is already in a relationship

That sounds a bit harsh. As a guy I can tell you it can simply be due to long distance. If there is little perspective to see each other regularly it’s easy to lose interest, especially if it’s not your first relationship and you haven’t spent that much time together to begin with like in this case

mrmanager,
@mrmanager@lemmy.today avatar

What you do?

You start getting into Linux, buy open source t shirts, grow a beard, listen to Stallman talks, and stop interacting with normies ever again. Only communicate through text travelling over open source technologies.

Make sure you spend enough hours in front of a keyboard to get a very pale skin color, reddish eyes and a rounded spine and neck. Pull down curtains so you see your screen better and avoid sunlight.

Drink lots of soda while sitting completely still so you gain fat and lose muscles.

I use Arch btw.

cefadroxilthranduil,

She might not want to grow a beard.

mrmanager,
@mrmanager@lemmy.today avatar

Girls can’t grow beards. But all genders can be heartbroken.

If you follow my advice you will not be heartbroken again. In fact, you won’t date anyone ever again, so you have lots of time to sharpen those skillz.

prenupbutter,

I had to quit my job not long ago to recover from burnout, and for some reason I decided to start using Arch btw even though I’m a kind of a linux noob (maybe as a more acceptable form of self-harm) and spent the next month locked away to tinker with it.

My setup is pretty much complete now, so I guess I’ll just focus on growing a beard this time. Thanks for the great tips!

refurbishedrefurbisher,

The beard has to extend to your neck. Very important.

prenupbutter,

Cut a newbie some slack! No one told me I had to use Arch as my first distro, I started with Ubuntu. Couldn’t a 5 o’clock shadow suffice as a start?

refurbishedrefurbisher,

files.catbox.moe/rujkc7.jpg

According to this chart, a 5 o’clock shadow would make you a SteamOS user. SteamOS is based on Arch, though, so… it’s a wash.

This could be an alternative: files.catbox.moe/7g2wmz.jpg

ArcaneSlime,

LMAO I’m on Fedora and that beard matches mine exactly. What sort of wizardy…

refurbishedrefurbisher,

The chart never lies, except for the times that it lies.

prenupbutter,

Oh my god there’s a chart? Lmaooo

mrmanager,
@mrmanager@lemmy.today avatar

Haha no problem. :) It’s a great distro. And you know the old joke…

  • How do you know someone is using arch?
  • They will tell you.

:)

prenupbutter,

It’s a great distro

I’ll agree once I can figure out how to at least get my laptop suspend on idle. Why are there no clear docs on it???

cole,
@cole@lemdro.id avatar

what desktop environment are you using… my laptop works great on Arch.

i use arch btw

prenupbutter,

Using bspwm because I wanted even more keyboard shortcuts to remember 🥴

cole,
@cole@lemdro.id avatar

I’m on the Gnome train myself

mrmanager,
@mrmanager@lemmy.today avatar

There should be. What graphics card dom you have? Usually these issues are caused by using Nvidia since they don’t care about Linux and the driver is closed source.

prenupbutter,

Ya I have Nvidia, but afaik the reason suspend on idle doesn’t work is because there’s nothing sending idle hints to systemd and I haven’t found any resources on how to do that. I still have so much to learn ;__;

mrmanager,
@mrmanager@lemmy.today avatar

This stuff is tricky and we all just follow wikis and try to fix things like that. We can’t all be kernel developers. :)

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