HONOLULU–In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.
“I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, ‘Holy fuck,’” said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans. “That’s it for us monkeys.”
Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to “start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible.”
Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with “thumbs” observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.
“It appears to be species-wide,” said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. “And it may be even worse: We haven’t exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale. Oh, Christ, we’re really in the soup now.”
Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.
“They really seem to be making up for lost time with this thumb thing,” said Dr. Jim Kuczaj, a University of California–San Diego biologist who has studied the seasonal behavior of dolphins for more than 30 years. “Last Friday, a crude seaweed-and-shell abacus washed up on the beach near Hilo, Hawaii. The next day, a far more sophisticated abacus, fashioned from some unknown material and capable of calculating equations involving numbers of up to 16 digits, washed up on the same beach. The day after that, the beach was littered with thousands of what turned out to be coral-silicate and kelp-based biomicrocircuitry.”
“My God,” Kuczaj added. “What are they doing down there?”
It is unknown what precipitated the dolphins’ sudden development of opposable thumbs. Some dolphin behaviorists believe that the gentle marine mammal, pushed to the brink by humanity’s reckless pollution and exploitation of the sea, tapped into some previously unmined mental powers to spontaneously generate a thumb-like appendage. However, given that 95 percent of the world’s dolphin experts have committed suicide since learning of the development, the full story may never be known.
“You must believe, sleek ocean masters, that many of us homo sapiens weep with shame and disgust over the degradation to which our species has subjected our All-Mother, the Great World-Sea,” read the suicide note of Dr. Richard Morse, a Brisbane, Australia, delphinologist and regular contributor to Marine Mammal Science. “If you are reading this, I estimate that it is the day we know as August 31, 2000. Please be decent and kind masters to our poor ape-race. Oh, God, I’m so sorry about the tracking collars.”
“Scientists once wondered whether dolphins, with their remarkably advanced social and language structures, are actually smarter than we are,” said Aoki, ushering reporters out of the laboratory he claimed “will either be a smoking hole or a zoo exhibit in the coming Dolphin Age.” “Well, we’re not wondering anymore.”
We’re all fucked, enjoy what’s left of natural beauty because it’s all going to be gone in the blink of an eye.
Humanity gets so fucking horny over the idea of alien life, meanwhile we have absolutely amazing, surreal, awe inspiring life forms ALL OVER THE PLANET. We’re living with fascinating, alien lifeforms, and we’re just watching them all go extinct while we furiously masturbate the dick of late-stage capitalism.
For all we know these creatures are the only companions we will ever know in the universe, and we’re just crossing species off the list by the thousands each year (and rapidly accelerating).
I feel like I’m drowning in despair—it’s enough to sometimes wish I was one of the fucking countless people who are just too small-minded/ignorant/selfish to care. Just blissfully reciting talking points created by rich old men, bumping and bumbling my way through life completely oblivious to the hell we’re collectively approaching.
When the soot falls from the first couple Antarctic wildfires sea level rise will happen so quickly even people who've been paying attention will be wondering what happened.
When a rat lungworm finds itself in a human, it does what it usually does in rats—it heads to the central nervous system and brain. Sometimes the migration of the worms to the central nervous system is asymptomatic or only causes mild transient symptoms. But, sometimes, they cause severe neurological dysfunction. This can start with nonspecific symptoms like headache, light sensitivity, and insomnia and develop into neck stiffness and pain, tingling or burning of the skin, double vision, bowel or bladder difficulties, and seizures. In severe cases, it can cause nerve damage, paralysis, coma, and even death.
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It's often thought that the worm can't complete its life cycle in humans and that it ends up idly wandering around the brain for a month or two before it's eventually killed off by immune responses. However, there has been some evidence of adult worms reaching the human lungs.
I’d read some research-result release that said there is a specific virus-fungus combination that all colony-collapse hives had both of ( & their immune-systems were essentially non-functional: they were infected with EVERYTHING ),
vs colonies which had 0 or 1 of the 2.
I don’t remember the names of either the virus or the fungus.
When we keep importing/exporting contaminated bits of wildlife, there are consequences.
This is one of those “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good” situations. The article is full of statements about how all pollinators are in trouble. The headline is clickbait. If honeybees serve as a poster child for pollinator awareness, that’s a good thing.
Yeah, I despise the honey industry profiteering off of this, when they’re even partially responsible for killing off proper pollinators, but if we stop using certain pesticides to protect the honey bees, that will likely benefit non-honey bees and other pollinators, too.
Laypeople don’t make the distinction between bees. They want to “Save the bees”, not save the honey bees. Of course the sentiment will be exploited by an industry.
biodiversity
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