Overwhelmed and paralyzed by my homework. I thought I could hack taking 17 units, and I am technically, but I’m waring thin. Anxiety attacks, depression that lasts for week, and poor communication skills. I’ve been super irritable and sometimes I say things with a bad tone and make people mad, but I don’t mean to.
I feel all over the place, and I don’t have time to see my friends even though I procrastinate all the time.
I would be overwhelmed too with how you are describing it. I’m so sorry you are depressed and having anxiety attacks, that sounds terrible!
Does it help you at all if you get some perspective? Sometimes I like to ask myself, how much will this matter in one year? Five years? 10 years? This is not at all to minimize what you are going through, but to simply zoom out from the focus on “this will never end.”
Because it will. You will get through this semester, and one day you will look back and think “I was at a really low point, and I’m so glad I didn’t give up.”
I really hope you can find some time for friends because social engagement is highly regulating for our emotions. I believe in you 100%. You’ve got this!
I’ve been laying in bed for 10 days after suddenly spontaneously a couple Saturdays ago I just kinda couldn’t get out of bed so I didn’t.
Which meant that I didn’t show up to work
and it snowballed into doing it every day because I thought my life was over cuz I missed a day of work “No-call No-show” which is unacceptable really bad mojo, and panicking not able to face the reality or the consequences of any of it, I blocked all phone calls coming into my phone so they probably think I’m dead and that’s what I want them to think.
The first couple days their phone calls were constant, and then they got my emergency contact to call me, I ignored all of it and opened no emails and no texts and picked up no phone calls.
I even got to the point I was worried they would send a police officer looking for me for a welfare check, so I stayed hunkered down and thankfully that never happened.
But now I’m worried, what am I going to do for money since I don’t have a job anymore, I have enough money in the bank to last me maybe 2 months if I sit here and do nothing and don’t spend any money whatsoever, just let my automatic debits come out of my bank as they always do, and I have a month supply of food here, I can stay hunkered down, but eventually I will need something, what am I going to do
I really need to figure out a plan, my plan was death, but I’m not suicidal,
but I would go to the hospital and ask for euthanasia because I’ve done that before but of course they didn’t euthanize me, they just medicated me and sent me back out into the cold cruel world
but I don’t want medication because I’ve tried them all and it doesn’t work on me,
maybe I will go back to the hospital again but I really don’t want to. their beds are so uncomfortable it gives me severe back pain, I’d rather be at home in my own bed.
But damn the hospital food was so good when I was there in January, they accommodated my special dietary needs, every day they served me veggies & salmon & whole baked sweet potato & boca burgers & string cheese, no bread and no fried food and no sugar.
so Maybe I will go back into the hospital, or maybe I’ll become a plasma donor, but I think you can only earn like $50 a week for that, which is NOT enough to survive, and I do not want to go into the part of town where those clinics are anyway, just a bunch of homeless people and I do not want to be relegated to that demographic
Thank you for listening and thank you for creating this space where I could say this, it’s the first I’ve been able to speak of it and now I’m going to copy paste this into my journal FWIW
I’m so sorry you’re going through this crisis. I don’t think the hospital would be the worst idea at this point. I’ve been in similar conditions but honestly I just used hard drugs or benzos to force myself to work. That isn’t advice, I’m just sharing my own struggle.
Thank you for feedback. I really should go to the hospital but somehow I don’t feel like it’s emergency situation, I’m more feel like I should deal with my responsibilities in the real world but I just simply don’t want to & I can’t and I’m going on 11 days in bed if I stay in bed again tomorrow. So that is kind of a hospital-caliber problem, right?
I am grateful for one thing, my entire life I’ve never had any desire to touch alcohol or drugs or cigarettes or anything like that. My self-medicating therapy of choice used to be aerobics classes at the gym, up to 5 hours a day. Now I’m older and my body hurts, My drug is sleep. Bed. My glorious cozy nest.
I mean, you’re not physically hurting yourself but 11 days in bed is kinda severe. One thing is for sure, that can’t continue because otherwise you’re be even more screwed. So hospital, friend, family, or social worker. Or someone else. I think you need to get some assistance to get back on your feet :]
But, that’s what works for me. I don’t want to be pushy. Maybe you can white knuckle it? I wish I could.
I am sorry to see you this down. You should call your emergency contact. Or please go to the hospital.
If I - some random dude on the internet - care about you. You should at least try to care enough to get help. You are strong enough to make that phone call.
I believe with enough help you will get better. And I believe good days are ahead of you.
Also a tip: Get help now, since you still have some money. It will give you more time to find a job once you get better.
I’m having that “I want to get better but what’s the point” mental trap.
Update: I’m writing a song I need to hear
Things fall apart the center cannot hold/ The prices They will rise and you too will get old/ The dishes always dirty, laundry never in the machine/ No matter how you try it’s never quite clean/ And I can’t do this alone No I can’t do this alone
The world is getting warmer The world is getting dry/ The missiles on the ground are meant for the sky/ The rent is always due to pay for the mortgage/ Of a man who is a Lord who can’t even change a door hinge/ And I can’t do this alone No I can’t do this alone
The billboards promise youth and wealth and health and love/ But that’s for the shareholders when push comes to shove/ The math is so simple the accounts balance out/ But you were never who the ads talked about/ And I can’t do this all alone No I can’t do this all alone
I really like the lyrics, they hit hard. I think it’s beautiful that you are able to creatively express the pain you are going through. L
If that helps at all, the point for me was the being better part. I also kept asking myself, “What’s the point?” And when I got better, the point became clear. When I’m better, I actually care about myself and what brings me joy. I was able to make meaning of things.
To be fair, for me it took switching careers before I could feel truly OK. But first I had to get better… before I could better myself.
This week I attempted to make new friends. It did not go well. How the fuck do you ask for a person’s number without coming off like you’re coming on to them?! I’m not gay! I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT FFS. (coming off like coming on… english is weird)
Incidentally, whatever happened to the phoenix? At least in my area, it has totally fallen off. There’s very few activities and they are literally far between, both geographically and temporally. I remember almost every day having multiple stuff(s?) like rock climbing, basketball, fencing at one point… I never went, mind you, but I could’ve, and now I want to.
Making friends as an adult is hard! I’m sorry to hear you had an awkward moment. I think it’s much easier for me as a woman to ask for another woman’s number because that’s not seen as weird - although more often we just exchange Instas and communicate that way at first. Do guys do that with Discord? Sorry if that’s a dumb question.
It’s a bummer you can’t find activities, especially when you are in the mood for them. I hope you manage to find some entertainment/fun!
This week? Better than the last few. Still struggling with motivation, but I managed a task or two. I didn’t wake up wanting to die or feel completely hopeless. Felt… capable?
I can safely be around my nephew today. I don’t like him to see me if I am too low. He is a total joy to hang out with. I hope I can stay on track this week too. Weather is warming up.
I hope you can stay on track, too! It’s wonderful that you feel that you can be around your nephew. Social support and joyful social interactions can be such a mood lifter. I’m wishing you all the best this week!
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