Sometimes I feel like I'm transitioning out of being queer

interrobang, 2 months ago

I’m nonbinary, married to a trans woman. Every time I lean into my more masc presenting side, part of me is sad that we don’t appear MORE queer, and part of me wonders if I’m subconsciously wanting to pass as a straight couple. Isn’t identity a fuckin trip?

The way I see it, people have been putting us in boxes our whole lives.

Straight afab didn’t fit me, bisexual kinda does, lesbian was better, now trans nonbinary omnisexual is me, lol.

Language is imperfect. All we can do is use that imperfect language to tell each other about our real selves, and anyone giving you shit for that is really missing the point… We’re queer because we looked at our assigned boxes and said “nope” 💜

midribbon_action, 2 months ago

“nope”! I love it! Lol identity is a fucking trip. It’s so amorphous, just as you find the words to describe it you realize you haven’t looked at it from a particular angle or accounted for certain behaviors or feelings.

Wahots, 2 months ago (edited 2 months ago)

I often hear the same thing from other bisexual people who marry or date people of differing genders, who feel ‘left out’ online or had a bad experience they wanted to share on something like r/bisexual. But know that you are always part of the community. I believe that IRL experiences can differ from (largely negative) online ones. Sometimes, these online spaces become largely focused on adversity or bad experiences. I found my mental health improved when I avoided subs dedicated to my sexual orientation just because stuff IRL has been much better overall (eg, I’ve never had mean comments IRL about me doing my nails, quite the contrary, actually!)

Find good friends through hobbies and social events. I’ve found my strongest friendships when I have diverse friend groups spanning the gender and sexual orientation spectrum. Even straight people! :)

flora_explora, 2 months ago (edited 2 months ago)

Oh, that sounds really hard. Sorry to hear!

I think it’s probably mostly a result of living in a rural area? If I had to live in an area with only cishet people, trying to blend in a little, I would feel disconnected to the queer community as well! And I’m a transbian xD

As a counterexample: One of my flatmates is cishet but all of her friends (and flatmates) are queer/nb/trans etc. We often talk about how she sometimes has the impulse to be ashamed of being straight because of how problematic cisheteronormativity is. But in my mind, she is also kind of queer because she tries in every way possible to dissolve cisheteronormativity. She is also surrounded by queer culture and is pretty far away from straight people in that regard.

And I think this is actually a really hard position to be in: to be a feminist and simultaneously being romantically and sexually attracted to straight men. Resulting in heterofatalism and all that.

It also depends on how you understand ‘queer’. Many would think not straight and/or not cis. To me, queer is very much political, not fitting in and trying to dismantle cisheteronormativity. However, queering cishet norms is not accessible to everyone and probably not advisable for anyone alone in a rural community? Also, I probably tend to be of that opinion because I’ve never fit in and get frequently misgendered the moment I step into straight spaces.

I am obsessed with crocheting atm by the way. I made a humongous millipede (over 1.5 m long) and many other little critters I can cuddle :) What are you knitting?

midribbon_action, 2 months ago (edited 2 months ago)

I’m so sorry about your experiences in straight spaces. It’s so easy to be respectful of someone’s identity and does so much harm to not be… I’m angry for you!

I agree about how cisheteronormativity needs to be deconstructed and I probably wouldn’t be friends with anyone that says that straight culture doesn’t have problems. In the end, I think it’s up to each het individual to parse which parts of the culture are problematic. It’s not like I can change my sexuality anyways, and I’ve definitely tried lol.

I’m finishing up a pair of socks at the moment! I’ve got a few things on cables or lifelines though, like a pink pig which would be my first stuffed animal!

hissingmeerkat, 2 months ago

That’s heartachingly alienating, I’m so sorry. I hope you find safe places to make friends both online and irl, where everything that you are now, have experienced, and want to be are valid and prominently welcome.

midribbon_action, 2 months ago

Thank you so much, that is very kind!

LadyAutumn, 2 months ago

I think a lot of people struggle with how others perceive their queer identity changing through transition. I’m sorry you were gatekept on that app and that you’ve been made to feel unwelcome in queer spaces. :( Being trans is queer and you deserve to feel welcomed in queer spaces. This issue doesn’t get talked about enough, the way sometimes queer communities devolve into organizing people into hierarchies based on “how queer” others perceive them. I hope that you find your experience in this transfem community open and accepting of you and your experience.

midribbon_action, 2 months ago

Thank you it already seems to be a welcoming space! I agree that queer spaces should be more accepting of, for lack of a better word, conforming individuals. My style is somewhat subdued, and I admire and appreciate the diversity of style in the queer community, but I just wish it didn’t seem like a requirement to stand out.

ada, 2 months ago

It’s hard. It’s something I struggled with for a long time. It felt like I had finally got to the point where I could accept and celebrate my queer identity, only to effectively lose it a couple of years later.

I’m panromantic, but heterosexual, and for a long time, I used the labels straight and transhet, as a way of trying to push back against the whole “a guy dating a trans woman is gay” thing, but eventually, I let go of the label, because I just couldn’t deal with the assumptions people made about my queerness. These days I just call myself queer.

Similarly, I felt invisible when I was out in public with my boyfriend. We both just looked like a regular cishet couple. I’d spent most of my life telling myself that’s what I wanted, only to discover it really isn’t what I wanted, because it erased another part of me that was important. It felt like stepping out of one closet and in to another.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what the answer is. At the moment, I’m in a poly relationship with another woman and an enby, so my queerness is right there on display, but when I was in mono relationships with men, it was hard to lose it.

midribbon_action, 2 months ago

That’s exactly how I feel! I think it’s compounded by living in a rural area. I want to fit in not only because that’s my childhood dream but also for a sense of safety. I’m not sure what the answer is either. Maybe this is just a stage of transitioning or maybe it’s possible to form strong bonds with allies, eventually, the way it seemed to feel easier with queer people before. I just know that I feel lonely at the moment and the queer community as a whole has seemed more distant to me.