My son is 21 months old and his birth was a catalyst for my egg crack.
Ever since he was born I parented as my authentic self (whether I realized that at the time or not) so largely my parenting has been just that. Being the best parent I can be.
My wife and I were talking earlier today and we both for some reason are having a hard time seeing me as a “mom” but also not as a “dad” Somewhere in between, but in all other aspects we both see me as a woman. Dysphoria withstanding.
I’m not saying I feel like the parental roles should be different per se, that doesn’t make sense to me. I view it as a full partnership and gender doesn’t play a part.
But then on the other hand I feel like I’m taking something away from my son by feeling more and more disconnected from “daddy” and more connected to “something else” Like I don’t deserve the title of mom or dad but something else. I desperately want to be mom but I love hearing my son run up to me yelling dada!. It warms my heart because that is his sound for me. For our special connection we share…
I think at the end of the day, I have some internal transphobia to work through because this is the one area of my transition where I have this sense of being a “trespasser” Being a mother has always been a dream of mine even when I didn’t have the words for it. So why don’t I feel like I am a mother? When in all aspects of life I am living as my authentic self.